Young Writers Society

I know this is probably a terrible and cliche poem, but I was convinced to post it and at least get some feedback.

No more tears for the thirsty, longing dust
To scatter so far away
No more walks on the plain of regrets
Striving, aching to destroy

No more cries for the stillness of the night
No more breaking hearts
No more wounds that run to deep
To heal after time apart (I hate this last line... anyone have any suggestions?)

Yeah, that last line is no good. And so what if it's a cliche or not. That's not the problem with this poem. The problem is that it seems very empty, and has no realy feelings behind it.

As Rei said, the problem with this poem is not that it is a cliche but that it feels empty. It's definately got potential for something better. Maybe if you used a bit more description and work on the ideas that you've already got. It also seems a bit vague so you could work on that (although some poems suit being vague... maybe not this one). Could be the start of a very good poem, though!

I think this could be part of an awesome poem if you added more depth. The "to" in the second-to-last line should be "too".

The first two lines also seem really awkward. Maybe it's the comma? Just the way it's worded? Whatever it is, I think you should rethink those lines if you decide to make this a longer poem.

First of all, I'm not good a poetry. Next of all, I tend to like structured poetry a lot. With that in mind, my opinions may or may not be valid, depending what kind of goal you're reaching.

With that said, here I go!

The way it's phrased is kind of strange. You go on at first by saying:

No more...
word word word...
No more...
word word word...

No more...
No more...
No more...
word word word...

See how strangely it's phrased?

This might work, except the metering is slightly off. The first verse, it seems like you're trying to rhyme. But... well... it doesn't rhyme. Then in the next verse, it seems as though you've given up.
10
7
9
6

9
5
7
7

This was counting syllables. As you can see, the metering is almost there, but not quite. You can add words to it, or delete words, depending what you want to say.

As far as meaning...

Generally, I am a fan of poetry that is very simplistic to read, but when you reread it, it is not simple at all. Think of Robert Frost or Shel Silverstein. *grins sheepishly* Anyway, this poem seems to be trying to be part of that category, but needs to be textured a bit. For one, ask yourself what you are trying to say in this poem. Don't worry about rhyming, metering, or anything of the sort, but rather concentrate on the meaning. The general theme of the poem is no more pain. All you have to do is develop it more.

This does NOT mean you should add a bunch of pretentious words to it, nor does it mean to make it five pages long. It just means, use imagery that is so forceful that the writer cannot help but to walk away stunned. The first two lines does it for me. "For the thirsty, longing dust" brings to my mind a barren desert, only sparsely vegetated with cacti, and the cacti do not look green but rather are so dust-covered that there seems to be no life there at all.

As you can tell, I like those lines.

But as you go on, the imagery is just vague wisps of thought that do not convey an image and simply confuse the reader. What are you trying to say?

Forget metering and rhyming for a while, and concentratre on bring fresh, powerful images to support the point of this poem. With better imagery, it will turn this poem for cliché to powerful.