Young Writers Society

I wrote this with King Max (my brother) a bit ago while we were camping. It’s mostly about him... but I don’t like the flow of it. And I think I want to expand it. King Max is no help, I love the kid , but he’s even more useless than me when it comes to this stuff. Any suggestions? Criticisms? comments? This one might be hopeless... but I want to rescue it from whatever black hole it’s trying to crawl out of...

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I know not what lies ahead
A path ordained in dark
Though I know not where I will tread

Without hope, blindly I wander
Living for a fruitless moment
No reason to keep from surrender

Unrelenting misery day to day
Hidden behind an attractive lie
Feelings hidden by what I say

Little known of what will be
Good and bad becoming my life’s story
Only our sweet melody can set me free

I thought this had some very good word uses and overall, I liked it, but the rhythm bugged me. I understand that not all poems should rhythm, but with your rhyme scheme so beautifully done, I felt that the lines kind of jumbled together in my mind because they lacked rhythm. It's like your reading it and enjoying the rhyme scheme and then you reach a line that is too long or too short to be in rhythm with the other lines and it just throws you off.
Other than that, I thought this was very well done.
Nice job...keep writing

I tried to make it flow better... what do ya think? I'm still working on the chorus... It'll come, right?

I know not what lies ahead
A path ordained in dark
I cannot know where I will tread.

Without hope, blindly I wander.
Living for a fruitless moment
No reason to keep from surrender

Unrelenting misery, forcing me to play.
Disguised by a beautiful lie,
Feelings hidden by what I say.

Little known to me of what will be,
Good and bad become my life’s story,
Only our sweet melody can set me free.


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Still not sure about that last line... I wanted to end it with something to do with him and his guitar... but I didn't want it to be too specific. any sugguestions?