Young Writers Society

When Time Passes with Quiet Feet


When time passes with quiet feet,
And the marrow of the earth,
Calls out its dismal retreat,
And returns to dust in marching beat,
‘Tis the moment of the birth.

And when the darkest tempest roars,
And the endless cosmos bends,
And the highest heaven pours,
The rawest and hottest godly ores,
‘Tis the time the vision ends.

And when the drum sounds its tattoo,
And smoke rises from the fields,
When all is strewn with sinew,
There is a day that all men rue,
‘Tis the day the devil yields.

When time gives out its final cry,
And shudders in its final breath,
And the seraphim reply,
With a loud, triumphant sigh,
‘Tis the time of evil’s death.

I did like this, mostly because I'm a sucker for metered poetry. The abaab format was a little strange to get into, but it could be done.

However, there were several things...

"The rawest and hottest godly ores"

This sounds a little forced. I don't know... just doesn't sound right.

And then the drum sounds it's tattoo. What in the world is that supposed to mean?

Snoink wrote:
And then the drum sounds it's tattoo. What in the world is that supposed to mean?

tat·too1 ( P ) Pronunciation Key (t-t)
n. pl. tat·toos
A signal sounded on a drum or bugle to summon soldiers or sailors to their quarters at night.
A display of military exercises offered as evening entertainment.
A continuous, even drumming or rapping.

Probably a bad word choice for that.

The problem with that, Grif, is that "tattoos" does rhyme for the abaab pattern. But... then you're still stuck Tim, because this is the first definition that comes to mind when someone reads "tattoos" is this:

tat·toos

1. A permanent mark or design made on the skin by a process of pricking and ingraining an indelible pigment or by raising scars.
2. A design made on the skin with a temporary dye such as henna or ink.

It seems like a no-win situation...

This was very well written and I understand how hard it is to make something sound impressive with such limited means and complicated rhyme pattern. All in all, under all the challenges you had to overcome, it is good. It's meaning is bland, but it is good. The ending of each stanza was rather a disappointment - it would flow better if you cut them all out altogether, but, then again, that may just be my personal opinion conflicting with my bad judgement of poetry.

There is such a thing as a on a drum. I knew what you were saying. Some of the ryming was a bit forced, and choppy, but it was pretty good.