Young Writers Society

Turismo212 wrote:Payday

Payday comes around again
But Only Once a week
I'm sitting staring thinking
Whys the world so bleak

The start was good, but the last line sort of fell apart. Do you mean 'Why is the world so bleak'...it might sound better.

Payday comes around again
Only the Sixty quid
The bank just ate my credit card
I think i'll make a bid

I like that verse. All in all, it was good, but a but short.

Only the second time in my life i have every had anything to do with poetry but i thought i would give it a shot.

Lol, that's cute, in the short-little-humerous-poem-just-for-fun sense. I love the rhyiming. And quid is such a fun word. I'm glad you put that in there. Quid Quid Quid Quid Quid.. Sorry. Such a fun word..

Turismo, this is good for beginner work, and the message is only too true.

Thanks

I like it. It's cool and kind of funky. It's really good considering you've not written poetry a lot. You manage to make it rhyme and work (i.e. make sene) which can be quite tricky!

Hey, not bad for a beginner... In fact, pretty good! And too true...

Payday

Payday comes around again
But Only Once a week
I'm sitting staring thinking
Whys the world so bleak

Payday comes around again
Only the Sixty quid
The bank just ate my credit card
I think i'll make a bid

Welcome. If you want a real review that will be harsh but honest, read on. Otherwise, keep reading. I didn't like it. The rhyming was forced. Rhyming poetry is rarely good; it takes an amazing amount of talent for that. Before I go on to the subject of the poem, I will correct gramatical errors. Corrections are in bold.

Payday comes around again,
But only once a wek.
I'm sitting, staring, thinking,
Why's the world so bleak.

Payday comes around again,
Only the sixty quid.
The bank just ate my credit card
I think I'll make a bid.

Okay. There are your gramatical errors. Now. The subject bored me. It wasn't original, it had no emotion. You state facts, you tell, not show, it wasn't good. The last line is horrible, it sounds like you put it in only to rhyme. This is nothing that hasn't been said before and I feel that you can do much better. Again, criticsm may be harsh, but it is useful.

Ciao

Nicole