Young Writers Society

And I swear I wont let you win again,
the angels above bleeding for you,
the pearly white gates of perfection
Covered in roaring fire of hate

And I can't come home now,
My faith drowned in my innocent blood,
I'm running out of places to hide,
from these twisted laughing ghosts you left behind.

Your sadistic lies inprinted in my eyes,
my mind to insane to be loved,
Such a pretty face full of hidden scars,
Eternal brusies burning through my skin

If it was only that simple I would go,
but I'm trapped in this loneliness,
and you're never coming back,
forever I will be chained to the past.

Can't live by these rules any more,
the chains soaring through my skin
my body tainted red with your destruction
I loved you I believed in you

For the wrong reasons


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Again just random thoughts... (( been edited ))

hey wulie (cute name)
im not sure how serious people are in their critiquing around here so dont get too offended k?

And I swear I wont let you win again,
the angels above bleeding for you, (this is nice)
the pearly white gates of love, (this on the other hand is a CLICHE)
Covered in hate. ehh (maybe you could use some imagery)

And I can't come home now,
My faith drowned in innocent blood, (in my Own innocent blood? whose?)
I'm running out of places to hide,
from these ghosts you left behind. (describe ghosts - what do they look like?)

Your sadistic lies inprinted in my eyes,
my mind to insane to be loved,
Such a pretty face full of hidden scars, (this is good)
covered bruises lay on my skin. (clarify - bruises lie under my skin ? under my skin i m all brusises?)

If it was only that simple I would go,
but I'm trapped in this loneliness,
and you're never coming back,
forever chained to the past. (who is chained? the narrator or that boy she wants?)

Can't live by these rules any more,
and I miss you I miss you now,
I guess its to late to tell you ,
I love you? (oo a bit cliche though im sure sincere maybe you could work out something different for the end or just rephrase)

Thank you muchously I wasn't offended at all its really helped me I shall try to edit it now thanks

ok so 1st of all did u edit the 1st post cuz if so then
woolmittens' post made more sense...

heres what i think...

I loved you I beleived in you

ok so 1st its not 'beleived' u spell it 'believed'.

A little to much.

agen i spotted a typo... i think u mean 'too much',
not 'to much'. dont know if u typed that wrong or
not tis hard to tell...

apart from that i like it - the rhythm is gud & it
seems like it has a really deep meaning to it...

gud work! :thumb:

i like this version much better. ending is perfect

Cheers - I prefer it now though I still feel it needs some perfection