Young Writers Society

Let me remember what life was once.
Time and time again I've forgotten all,
And yet, I remember. Life was once full of choices, a dance
With a mysterious stranger, dark, handsome and tall.
Don't you think I remember all of that reckless romance?

Do you think I've forgotten what life used to be?
I was once one of those reckless roses, dancing on the floor.
Shining with joy, dizzy with glee.
They admired me, they loved me, they did adore.
I wish I was like that again, young, careless and free.

To look back is bittersweet.
It becomes ever more difficult to remember.
Let me tell you, my friend, that even so, it has been a treat.
And now that they are dying, those sweet embers
That hold us to life, all I ask of you is simple and neat.

Will you dance with me before I die?

This probably sucks, seeing as I'm a new hand at poetry. I usually write stories, but I decided to start off with a poem. ^^ I hope it's not too bad...

Hi Leza! I'm going to rearrange it like I told you I would just so it will flow a little better, plus it will be a little easier to read. Surpisingly it's only the first stanza that is odd.

Let me remember what life was once.
Time and time again I've forgotten all,
And yet, I remember.
Life was once full of choices,
A dance with a mysterious stranger, dark, handsome and tall.
Don't you think I remember all of that reckless romance?

All I did was break it at the end of a sentence and bring it down to a new line.

Overall it told a good story. Although it was a little repetitive. Your narrator is obviously trying to remember something; yet, she says that she forgets but acts like it's insane that some one think she did forget. Maybe says something like "And yet, now I remember." So we know that she has forgotten before but now in the end she can remember what people think she cannot.

Oh I hope this helped and I wasn't just rambling.

~peanut~

Thanks Peanut! ^^ It helped, and I'll keep it in mind the next time I write a poem.

Hi, I'm Grin

I honestly can't think of anything to suggest you do with this. Peanut got it in one.

Maybe you could try and get a little more emotion into it. I can't explain how, it's one of those things that just sort of happens, but it's slightly low. Only slightly, but there it is. I'm afraid that's all I can do that's helpful. Sorry about that.

On the plus side, you'll be getting a gold star! I thought this was honestly fantastic and I really enjoyed it.

Hope something in there was helpful!
~Grin

Hey Leza! I remember you in chat... though you probably don't remember me because I wasn't very talkative at the time. XD

Anyway, it's nice to see a story writer write poetry. Why? Because pure poets tend to not describe anything interesting and such, but look what sorts of imagery you have! A dance, a tall, dark, and handsome man (they're the best!), and a nostalgic look on your life. What's not to love?

A couple of comments though! This doesn't really seem like narrative poetry, simply because you're using metaphors and stuff to describe an instant... narrative is all about the story! So if you want me to move this to a more appropriate forum (probably dramatic) just send me a PM.

Next, this line is a bit awkward: "Every time I look back, it becomes ever more difficult to remember."

So many words! I would trim it.

Hope that helps! Still, all in all, it's a lovely poem. You should be proud!

Hey Leza! I just wanted to say great job. I myself am a story writer who trys at poetry, and I'll tell you, you're way better at it then I am . I congratulate you on that...and I don't think there's much I can add on this one, but I hope to read more of your poetry, and I'll have to take a look at some of your stories .

Hello,

Let me remember what life was once.
Time and time again I've forgotten all,
And yet, I remember.
Life was once full of choices, a dance
With a mysterious stranger, dark, handsome and tall.
Don't you think I remember all of that reckless romance?

Tall, dark, and handsome...I've heard that one before. It's cliche -- try to describe this character differently. It's a perfect opportunity to stretch your budding poet's metaphorical muscles. I also did not like the fact that you described the stranger as "mysterious". Very uninspired.

Do you think I've forgotten what life used to be?
I was once one of those reckless roses, dancing on the floor.
Shining with joy, dizzy with glee.
They admired me, they loved me, they did adore.
I wish I was like that again, young, careless and free.

You almost grasp at what is, in my opinion, true poetics here. Unfortunately, you fall prey to phrases and images that have been used many times before. I like the fact that you metaphorically linked roses and dancers -- that's good -- but the rest of your language is flat and boring. Glee, joy, young, careless, free. Not a whisper of a thrill in these words. I want to be fed with impressions and images and phrases that are new and exciting and unused! Also, watch out for the repetition of the word "reckless".

To look back is bittersweet.
It becomes ever more difficult to remember.
Let me tell you, my friend, that even so, it has been a treat.
And now that they are dying, those sweet embers
That hold us to life, all I ask of you is simple and neat.

Bland words. You hint at poetics again with your "sweet embers".

Okay...So this could use a little work. As I said many times, your language is rather dull and a tad cliche. Also, your rhyme scheme was a little difficult to pick out, probably because you need to work on your rhythm. Read up on meter and how syllables and word emphasis influences it. To improve your poetic language I can only advise you to read poetry. The more you read, the more fluent your poetic muse will become. Try looking at the world from different angles, angles that people generally wouldn't look for.

Good luck with editing.

-Kylan

Hey! :D
I very much enjoy your poem! So I don't have any critique to offer to you because I think your piece is lovely the way it is, but a few things that others have said could be changed. Especially things that Kylan said. I find this poem quite relatable to me though, which is one reason why I like it so much. Anyway, good job and keep it up! :D

Bonjour, Leza!

(Remember how I was telling Ahmed how I am a vicious dinosaur, especially when it comes to reviews? ... yeah, it's nothing personal. )

It's not too bad -- there's room for improvement. "Life was once" sounds awkward, and why not go for the customary "life once was"? I understand that playing on words is wonderful when trying poetry, but don't stray too far. Some things are better kept simplistic.

[[[And yet, I remember. Life was once full of choices, a dance
With a mysterious stranger, dark, handsome and tall.
Don't you think I remember all of that reckless romance?]]]

"And yet I remember" is a really boring phrase that doesn't do much for me, dearie; I'd cut it out, because it's not helping me much understand the poem, and remember was used before, so it sounds like heavy repetition.


Look out for repetition and phrases like "to look back is bittersweet" that may ring as cliche and/or boring. Be fresh, be original, use new images and metaphors. I know you can.

June

Hi Celtic!

*digs out old poetry* I love reviewing old things. So I dug out your oldest poetry and discovered, that it was really good. I loved the story behind it and it just seemed so imaginative and creative.... It had a really nice rhythm to it and I absolutely adored the ending.

Deanie x