Young Writers Society

Marmalade


----------------------------


Marmalade:
Sweet citrus
Soaked in,
And full of,
Subtle flavors -
Of chromatic love.

Sustained happiness,
Relished
Alongside,
Bitter skin,
Peeled away
And sliced thin.

Marmalade jars -
Pristine preserves,
Containing my joy
With solid glass curves.

Sealed tight expressions -
Smiles and laughs,
Squeezed out
From juicy
Orange halves.

Light shines through,
Showing no mar.
I can't wait to open
Another bright jar.

Hiya Inkwell!

You know, I never seemed to mention how much I love your avatar. Brian is totally the best thing since pancakes.

So, anyway, on to the review. I really liked this. It flows nicely for the most part and is fun! I've never seen someone write about marmalade before. I've never had it, because I tend not to like things like jam and preserves, but this almost makes me want to eat some. So you got your point across well.

I did have a few nitpicks, so if it's all right, I'm going to do a line-by-line:

Marmalade:
Sweet citrus
Soaked in,
And full of, >I'd take the comma out here, because since you've punctuated this, it would make the most sense to use the punctuation as if it were prose. Don't get me wrong; you've done this well for the most part. This, and a few other places, seems to have eluded that a little.
Subtle flavors -
Of chromatic love. >So if you're going to put a hyphen in the line before this, you may want to take "of" out.

Sustained happiness,
Relished
Alongside, >This comma could go away. Just because normally, it would be "alongside bitter skin..."
Bitter skin.
Peeled away
And sliced thin. >Sounds delicious. Also, I've just noticed (on my third time reading) the rhyme scheme. If it took that long, it means it's good, subtle, and not forced. Smooth. Kudos.

Marmalade jars -
Pristine preserves,
Containing my joy, >Another comma that is potentially unnecessary.
With solid glass curves.

Sealed tight expressions -
Smiles and laughs.
Squeezed out
From juicy
Orange halves. >This is my favorite stanza. It gives the marmalade somewhat of a personality, or rather makes it embody the love and care of the person making it. Good job.

Light shines through,
Showing no mar.
I can't wait to open, >Potentially unnecessary comma.
Another bright jar.

So, there you go. My advice is just watch out for those commas that want to sneak up and hide in your work in places they don't seem to fit.

So, that'll wrap this up for me. So long, fellow Brian fan--take care, and keep up the good work.
~Freyja

Vanadis wrote:Hiya Inkwell!

You know, I never seemed to mention how much I love your avatar. Brian is totally the best thing since pancakes.

So, anyway, on to the review. I really liked this. It flows nicely for the most part and is fun! I've never seen someone write about marmalade before. I've never had it, because I tend not to like things like jam and preserves, but this almost makes me want to eat some. So you got your point across well.

I did have a few nitpicks, so if it's all right, I'm going to do a line-by-line:

Marmalade:
Sweet citrus
Soaked in,
And full of, >I'd take the comma out here, because since you've punctuated this, it would make the most sense to use the punctuation as if it were prose. Don't get me wrong; you've done this well for the most part. This, and a few other places, seems to have eluded that a little.
Subtle flavors -
Of chromatic love. >So if you're going to put a hyphen in the line before this, you may want to take "of" out.

Sustained happiness,
Relished
Alongside, >This comma could go away. Just because normally, it would be "alongside bitter skin..."
Bitter skin.
Peeled away
And sliced thin. >Sounds delicious. Also, I've just noticed (on my third time reading) the rhyme scheme. If it took that long, it means it's good, subtle, and not forced. Smooth. Kudos.

Marmalade jars -
Pristine preserves,
Containing my joy, >Another comma that is potentially unnecessary.
With solid glass curves.

Sealed tight expressions -
Smiles and laughs.
Squeezed out
From juicy
Orange halves. >This is my favorite stanza. It gives the marmalade somewhat of a personality, or rather makes it embody the love and care of the person making it. Good job.

Light shines through,
Showing no mar.
I can't wait to open, >Potentially unnecessary comma.
Another bright jar.

So, there you go. My advice is just watch out for those commas that want to sneak up and hide in your work in places they don't seem to fit.

So, that'll wrap this up for me. So long, fellow Brian fan--take care, and keep up the good work.
~Freyja

Thanks for the feedback! I understand your concerns but I like the commas/hyphens because I wanted to have a lot of pauses, sort of like a sighs, because you savor every drop.

I really appreciate the care you took to review my poem, thanks!

Hi! This poem is simple and effective, and I really like it. Your rhyming scheme is very good, not forced at all, and I like your description. I've never tried marmalade but you make it sound quite appealing. I think perhaps you could get rid of the first line of the first stanza, because the poem is called marmalade, so perhaps it is not necessary to just say marmalade on the first line. I thik it might also sound a little better if the lines weren't so short or if you got rid of some of the commas, because it makes the reader pause a lot. But I really like the simplicity of this poem, and it's very original. Good job.

Thanks Matt for the positive feedback! I purposely made short lines so I could challenge my self to make the most out of limited word count. Maybe I will have to cut back on pauses though since your the second to suggest this.

Marmalade jars -
Pristine preserves,
Containing my joy
With solid glass curves <== The syllables don't really match up here

The commas were unnecassary, and the lines were a bit short and didn't match up with your pauses and syllable count. However, this poem was very well written, and I may give you a hint of advise. When you write a poem wrie it out in paragraph form and then see where pauses go, and mark them with commas. When you write it in stanza form, don't use commas, just go to another line. ~*Cheez_burger*~

Hello! I saw your poem and I thought I'd stop by for a quick review.

Like most people here, I haven't had marmalade. But this does sound yummy! Props there.

I can be pretty bad at just reading poetry; I tend to skip over any pause I don't think is needed. Which, in this case, was a few times. Mostly:

Marmalade:
Sweet citrus
Soaked in, <- here
And full of, <- here
Subtle flavors - <- here
Of chromatic love.

Sustained happiness,
Relished
Alongside, <- here
Bitter skin, <- and here
Peeled away
And sliced thin.

The rest of the pauses I liked and stopped for a moment at the lines. I did like them.

I also liked this poem because there seems to be a topic under the surface with your word-choice. It seems to be talking about love in general, not just your love of marmalade. I really liked that! The first two stanzas especially. That tone carries through the rest of the poem and gives a wonderful undertone. Gave me the warm-fuzzies. ^^

All in all, a really nice poem! Very cute and sweet, both figuratively and (by the sounds of it) literally.

PM me with any questions/comments.

~Rosey

I like this peice. It sounds bright and all at the same time makes me hungry. I found this to be simple yet full of meaning in every line... and still you made me hungry. Well I spotted one problem. It's lyrics poetry, right? Each line in here is really tight and short. Unless you had in Other Poetry it would fit perfectly fine. They need to be longer. Though, I do see what you tried to do. Nice job!!
~Pacific

i'm guessing you really like marmalade? haha personally i can't stand the stuff, but if you're willing to write about it, i'm willing to read about it.

so at first i didn't like this at all (probably has something to do with my bias). but really, this entire poem is centered about something that is consumed and, while being pleasant at the time, is soon depleted and gone. kind of like a one night stand. what i did like was your use of descriptive language. i was very easy to picture what you were saying, which is a big deal. especially this one line:

"with solid glass curves"

i don't know why but i loved it.
you also had some good alliteration in there as well: "pristine preserves"

over all, this poem is a little shallow for my taste (and by shallow i only mean you can't really read into it that much), but your style of writing is interesting and pleasant to read. i think if you wrote something you truly cared about, it would be magnificent.
unless you really care about marmalade, in which case i meant no offense

Hi! Okay, the first thing I thought when I read this was: "Oh my goodness! Another person who loves marmalade as much as I do!!!! So I, as a fellow marmalade lover, loved this poem just for that. I agree with everyone else's nitpicks, I don't really have any after those. Great job! Keep writing!

--Dreamy

I just came back to read it again













<3 Cheez_Burger

KatherineF92 wrote:i'm guessing you really like marmalade? haha personally i can't stand the stuff, but if you're willing to write about it, i'm willing to read about it.

so at first i didn't like this at all (probably has something to do with my bias). but really, this entire poem is centered about something that is consumed and, while being pleasant at the time, is soon depleted and gone. kind of like a one night stand. what i did like was your use of descriptive language. i was very easy to picture what you were saying, which is a big deal. especially this one line:

"with solid glass curves"

i don't know why but i loved it.
you also had some good alliteration in there as well: "pristine preserves"

over all, this poem is a little shallow for my taste (and by shallow i only mean you can't really read into it that much), but your style of writing is interesting and pleasant to read. i think if you wrote something you truly cared about, it would be magnificent.
unless you really care about marmalade, in which case i meant no offense

I'm sorry that it didn't seem serious enough for you. My goal was to pleasantly express the pleasure I obtain from marmalade while using a careful rhyme scheme and word choice. I'm a fan of pleasure, which can be like a one night stand at times. I wanted to make a positive poem about pleasure though. I was inspired by hedonistic philosophy and some beautiful poems I have read that simply relish in the little things. Savor your marmalade and it wont be gone so soon!

I absolutely adore this poem. The hidden meaning within such a simple topic is astounding. I disagree with previous reviews, this is not shallow at all. You've really captured something negative about human nature in such a positive way that meaning is hidden from plain sight. Bravo!

I absolutely adore this poem. The hidden meaning within such a simple topic is astounding. I disagree with previous reviews, this is not shallow at all. You've really captured something negative about human nature in such a positive way that meaning is hidden from plain sight, whether you intended to or not. Bravo!