Young Writers Society

That Can't Be Jesus, Where's the Crown?

I look back in time to Jerusalem,
Encompassed by a wall as thick as the earth,
The fire of God burns as candle-light,
Dusty-footed children play happily,
Jerusalem Unbeatable,
The City of David,
The Land of the Lord,

In its walls lies a Rabbi,
Hated by all,
Except the taxmen,
He's the Pub-Preacher, bar Bishop,
Ha, He's just another cult leader,

But my Messiah comes with a sword!
Riding the clouds, and cloud coloured horse,
He slays the sinners!
He wrecks the wicked, plunders the politicians!
O, where is my Messiah?
Jesus Christ of Nazareth?

And back to reality I see a lady... a woman,
Skin tight shirt,
Mini-skirt, high-riding stockings,
Passionate lip-stick smeared over fat lips,
She breathes from her mouth,
Slowly, chest in and out...

Urgh. I begin to walk away,
But then I see the Rabbi,
In a tattered T and ragged jeans,
Sitting by the woman,

He says,
“Good morning ma'am,
How are you today?”

Her smile, she will always be beautiful,
That is all I'll say,
An angel in lingerie,

Five months later I meet Him in the street,
Chaped lips and tear stains on His shirt,
I offer him something to get a drink,
“Please no, rather tip me with your company.”

The Rabbi has been around the world,
And has now returned home,
To see his friend – the prostitute,
One last time,

His words string out like a poem,
His eyes are rich like oceans,
And indeed mine water like them,
His name was Jesse Christophers,

Then one day when I was the beggar,
The fraud out of jail,
Lying on the roadside,
Waiting for my death,
Abandoned by my Messiah,
There comes Jesse,
Tattered T and ragged jeans,

He tells me He didn't have to go forever after all,
And he's in town for three more days,
So up and down the town we'll go,
To visit our friends the harlots and frauds,
The gangmen and cons,
The priests and paupers,
My Messiah and I,

---

Oh dear, the edit makes me feel sad because Snoink and Nyiiri liked the previous version. But I'm pretty sure I don't want to be so harsh in my language anymore, so I've changed this to be more narrative. If there's a mod reading, please move this (or PM me on how I can move it myself ).

Hey! Your poem is interesting and it feels like your angry at the world or someone. Anyway, I like the use of acronyms standing for different things. I can picture everything, the golden sand,endless beach...etc. I think, however, that instead of saying 'over expanse of waters', you could say,'over an expanse of waters'. I think you left the last S hanging. What are the sponsors and supporters for? Normally a sponsor is meant to help someone change their life positively so you should show the irony.
All in all I think everyone has their doubts on this religion but in the end it's good to hold on to something that isn't human.

Dude, your title rocks so hard that it's amazing.

Anyway, for the first five stanzas, I thought it sounded too much like a cheerleader. Not that sounding like a cheerleader is bad, but in this particular case, I kept wondering, "Is there any point for this style?" And I didn't see one. It sounded more like you switched styles in the middle of your poem because you couldn't continue with the cheerleading style.

In any case, I really liked your second half of the poem. It doesn't have a conclusion though, really. You should ad one.

Hi'
I know it has been like a year since I read the poem but it feels really different. Did you change your whole poem? I haven't seriously gone through the poem yet because I'm in shock but I'll get back to you soon

"His words string out like a poem,
His eyes are rich like oceans"
^^ Very nice lines. I love how you describe our Savior with such feeling for his compassion and love. Champion.

This is beautiful, and so true! Lovely imagery and tone. There were a few spots where I didn't feel the rhythm of the poem, but then you got back to it, so it fixed itself. There weren't any grammar mistakes that I could see, so good job All in all, awesome piece. Very descriptive and captivating. Keep writing!

~Jess

Hi again,

I still miss the old poem but we have to make room for change. Anyway, I like your use of imagery and there is no negativity.