Young Writers Society

God only knows I need you,
Tears bracing my cheeks,
Questions forming inside me,
Lies cradling my heart.

Please turn on your phone,
Read my texts of denial,
I didn't say good bye,
Why did you go?

The lights switched off,
Staring at the computer screen,
Waiting for your name to pop up,
Waiting for you again.

The drone of music comforting my mind,
All the hopes inside of me,
Dying with such elegance,
My life lying around me.

How did it come to this?
How did I become so reliant on you?
Please just turn on your phone,
My heart has become an unread message.

Please, please don't go...


--------------------------------------------

Sorry just in need of writing - feelings of the day.

Aah. I must say I thoroughly enjoyed this. Although, I'm not feeling myself today, so that could be another factor. I liked the way you epitomized your relationship in a text message, which was effective, for me, because I text message all the time in that sense. I liked the way you related you to the phone and the phone to him. Only comment is that you should drop the "?" at the last line:

"Please, please don't go?"

And replace it with either an elipsis or a period, depending on what kind of an effect you want. I'd like the period over the elipsis, but you may think the elipsis suits it best. It's your choice.

I have to agree with him (darn you you take the words out of my mouth!) It's sort of vague and mysterious, which, for this poem, is a good thing. I really do enjoy your poetry, Wulie.

Hey - thanks guys, same you're always nice about my work . And brad well thank you hehe. I'm not to sure I like this poem I like the theme, because it's how I felt at the time however it seems to be good ! keep comments coming if there are any.

This is a very nice poem.

Questions forming inside me,
Lies cradling my heart.

Loved that last line.

Please turn on your phone,
Read my texts of denial,

I think this poem was good because it's so easy to connect with...I can feel exactly the same way.

The lights switched off,
Staring at the computer screen,
Waiting for your name to pop up,

I do that, so I really liked this bit.

My heart has become an unread message.

Perfect.

I'm a sucker for questions in poems too, so that's another reason why I liked this.

Really lovely, thanks for sharing.

God only knows I need you,

This began very beautifully.

Please turn on your phone,
Read my texts of denial,

I liked this part too, but I had to read it twice to really understand it.
First of all, I personally don't refer to them as texts, perhaps you should say text messages? I don't know, just my suggestion.

I didn't say good bye,
Why did you go?

This part was slightly awkward, maybe you should change it to:

I didn't say goodbye;
But you left me anyway.

Sometimes, questions at the end of stanzas can give the poem a strange approach.

This was really good! The theme was cool, and a lot of the lines were really beautiful!

The lights switched off,
Staring at the computer screen,
Waiting for your name to pop up,
Waiting for you again.

For some reason, this stanza seems forced to me. The idea is good, but maybe it needs to be replaced with something that means the same thing, but is worded differently. I'll keep thinking about it, and if I think of an example, I'll try it out you.

The drone of music comforting my mind,
All the hopes inside of me,
Dying with such elegance,
My life lying around me.

Simply gorgeous! I love it, it's my fave stanza!

Keep writing, I really like your style. Plus the [] around your titles are really original; I always know who wrote it. Very very cool.

Thank you ! I really do enjoy reading you comments!
Wu