Young Writers Society

Right guys- this is a long poem. Last one before I upload part one of my story. It was written a few years ago, so be aware this isn't very advanced, about my soon-to-be girlfriend Mimi. Here it is:

Mimi has everything I want in life
She has a face which melts the ice in their eyes
The queen as she looks down on her empire
The type of smile that could seek truth from a liar

She is an Asian princess and I am to be the prince
We will have romance- way more than you think
Her eyes are crystal and cleaner than an angel's song
I want to be in her arms like I belong

Where else to go to if she says no?
What will I see? Who will ever know?
Her lipstick intact the glades in her hair
Angelic she sweeps right through the air

But I am not good enough no not even for mankind
I know that this swan will never be mine
She'll fall in love with some other lucky guy
She'' fall in love with someone else tonight

I want to hold Mimi and kiss her sacred cheeks
A kiss so tender for her I won't sleep for weeks
A peculiar little flower notorious to please
She gives me great pressure never at ease

Under neon rays of love and of light
The darkness sheds away from her voice and her might
Sweet sugar kisses and fruits that will never decay
God it would be lovely to have her
even for just one day

Awww...this is sweet. I like your words and your sentence structures...I hope you get this girl if you want her this much. Probably could use some smoothing up, a few touch-ups. But I like it. Very good.

I already have got her- it was written two years ago . God I am so lucky.

Yes, this is a very sweet poem. A girl can never resist a man who expresses his feeling through art and literature. Great job!

Thank you; she is very pretty. I have an unashamable thing for Asian girls.

xD Ha, you're the third I've met so far. Being an Asian girl, I find this amusing beyond belief.
And you wrote this two years ago? Wow. I don't really want to think about what I wrote two years ago. xD
Just to clarify, is this meant to be rhyming or not? Because I picked up a few rhymes, but I don't really know. You probably shouldn't listen to my feedback on rhyming though. I am admittedly terrible at it. I find it incredibly impressive whenever anybody rhymes anything at all. xD
As it has been noted, this is really sweet. I can't find too many (or any, fine) things wrong with it. I'm sort of weird with writing that deals with a lot of emotion. I feel it can go wrong really easily, but this did not by any means. I like the originality of the descriptions.
One thing: "Her lipstick intact the glades in her hair"
I don't completely understand this sentence, maybe it's missing punctuation or a word?
Also, you're missing the two 'l's on the second 'she'll'.
In conclusion: .

This is so passionate, my eyes teared up. You are very lucky to have a girl that you love so much. I hope she knows how much she means to you. Now, some critiques: I think that having her name makes it a little less professional. This isn't a bad thing, you wrote this out of love. But if I where to submit this somewhere, I would take out her name. Again, I'm very happy for you!

Awe! I thought it was ADORABLE! It was really sweet and cute.. And honestly I hope you get this girl if you want her this bad! It's a great poem! I liked the rhyming.. the imagery.. (she sounds georgous) and everything about it! You did an amazing job.
If you need any critiques on anything just message me.
Good luck! Keep writing! This was amazing and very, very sweet!
-Hayley

I already have her hayley10019. I wrote this two years ago.

aw o my gosh that's so sweet! Have you shown this to her? I think most of us girls are suckers for poetry! I just love this it's really cute.

Unsocialbutterfly, this was written around about 2 years ago. I did show it to her

Hi, AJ! I'm here to review this prettyful poem that had me exploding with confetti, sprinkles, and rainbows. 8]

So as I've said before, this poem was very pretty. I can tell the speaker loved this girl very much. The imagery was beautiful, and the tone was clear. Both points are very awesome in a poem! The lack of punctuation made my brain flip a few times -- 'twas a little hard to read without fullstops and such, but besides that, I really liked this!

There were a few things that had me thrown a bit, but they're small. Really just format/style nit-picking, so most of it could be ignored if you wanted!

Mimi has everything I want in life
She has a face which melts the ice in their eyes
The queen as she looks down on her empire
The type of smile that could seek truth from a liar

Whose eyes? D: Must not be Mimi, otherwise it'd be "her." So... It's not the queen's eyes. That would be "her" too. xD *flail* Also, she has a queen or her face melts the queen? The grammar got all funky in this stanza! (Pretty sure you meant she was the queen the speaker wanted in life, but it wasn't clear!)

She is an Asian princess and I am to be the prince
We will have romance- way more than you think
Her eyes are crystal and cleaner than an angel's song
I want to be in her arms like I belong

The third line didn't fit with the rest of the stanza. I was like, "waaaaaait." It kinda fit more with the face bit in the first stanza. xD

Where else to go to if she says no?
What will I see? Who will ever know?
Her lipstick intact the glades in her hair
Angelic she sweeps right through the air

The first two lines didn't flow with the second two lines. The speaker was developing doubts, which was really, really awesome. Then he started admiring her again quite suddenly, and I was like, "no. D:" I like the angel theme you keep bringing up though!

But I am not good enough no not even for mankind
I know that this swan will never be mine
She'll fall in love with some other lucky guy
She'' fall in love with someone else tonight

There are the doubts I'm looking for.

God it would be lovely to have her
even for just one day

Put this on the same line! It disrupts the reader's flow while reading. D:

I looooved the ending here. I like how the poem started with admiration, scooped into doubt, and then ended with admiration again. You had excellent imagery and tone here, which I think are very important in a poem, so you've certainly got a gem here. I think Mimi is a lucky girl!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Awwwww I looooved this poem soooooo much!!!!!!!
Wow i hope you do get this girl!It was so sweet! A guy who can express himself in such a beautiful way deserves alot! LoL

Anyways back to the poem! I loved the rhymes, it addeed a plus to your poem, for me. (Well personally that's cause ive got this thing for rhymes T_T)

Umm what else? Nothing... Im afraid i aint got no correction to make! xD
Just keep rocking poetry will ya?! xD

Oh My God!

How do you write such ROMANTIC Poems :O ♥♥♥
I hope Mimi will always be your's!!

How you express your love for her ...
It's just wonderful.
It was magical.

I think you're incredible effort you've given here is amazing!
And I think you should continue to write romantic poems and later on to novels

♥♥♥
Loved it!
I so give this a 4 ¾ /5

Well Done!

Hi ajt!

I really loved this poem. It was so nice to know the story behind it... and this is so cute! I don't have any criticism except it was difficult to read in some parts without and commas... and there were no full stops, but I bet you know that already.

Good luck in your relationship!

Deanie x