Young Writers Society

A little iffy about the title still...Any advice/comments would be appreciated.


It’s not enough, never enough
To wonder at the sun,
I want to feel the heat,
Anything to feel alive,
You’ve drawn the lines so clearly,
This is right, that is wrong
And there’s nothing in between,
But I’m tired of living through your eyes,
Hiding behind the pretty shades of hypocrisy,
You’d die for these plastic prisons,
But I’d rather live without them,
I’m done with all that now,
Passing all the boundaries,
Breaking all the rules,
You know I like the rush I get
When I defy the labels,
So break me, burn me,
I’ll bleed again but I always heal,
You keep looking down for me,
But I’m no longer there.

I liked this poem. Mostly the ending. However, I think that it would sound much better if you took out some of the "Buts" and "Ands." Try reading it without those--and I'm sure it'll sound a lot better.

First of all, it's h-y-p-o-c-r-i-s-y. You spelled it wrong in the title. Second, you skip around a lot. It's very confusing to the reader because we think 'woah, didn't I just read this?' It's not fun for us, let me tell you. I'm going to mess with the lines a bit, see how it fits. Remember, this is just a suggestion. Love the words, hate the order. So, what I'll do is put a number next to each line. Then you just stick them in order...or rather, I'll do that myself.

It’s not enough, never enough =1
To wonder at the sun, =2
I want to feel the heat, =3
Anything to feel alive, [. Space. It makes no sense whatsoever if you keep on going here without the new stanza.]=4
You’ve drawn the lines so clearly, =9
This is right, that is wrong =10
And there’s nothing in between, [get rid of comma, put . New stanza.] =11
But I’m tired of living through your eyes, =12
Hiding behind the pretty shades of hypocrisy, =13 [no comma, new stanza]
You’d die for these plastic prisons, [OOOK...this makes no sense to me, so forgive me if I'm just being stupid] =13
But I’d rather live without them, [again...majorly confusing] =14
I’m done with all that now, [be rid of these commas!] 15
Passing all the boundaries, =5
Breaking all the rules, =6
You know I like the rush I get =7
When I defy the labels, [huh? what? does this mean?] =8
So break me, burn me, [ I absolutely love this whole section.]
I’ll bleed again but I always heal, ['passing all the boundaries' to 'when I defy the labels' should be moved up to after 'anything to feel alive' These two sections are nearly identical in meaning. They should be together.] =16
You keep looking down for me, =17
But I’m no longer there. [ I love these two lines! Great ending]18


Here's what your poem would sound like if you took my suggestions into consideration.


It’s not enough, never enough
To wonder at the sun,
I want to feel the heat,
Anything to feel alive.

Passing all the boundaries,
Breaking all the rules,
You know I like the rush I get
When I defy the labels.

You’ve drawn the lines so clearly,
This is right, that is wrong
And there’s nothing in between,
But I’m tired of living through your eyes,
Hiding behind the pretty shades of hypocrisy,
You’d die for these plastic prisons,
But I’d rather live without them,
I’m done with all that now.

So break me, burn me,
I’ll bleed again but I always heal,
You keep looking down for me,
But I’m no longer there.

I'm sorry... I don't mean to like take over your life or something but I need to harshly critique SOMETHING!!!

Thank you very much. Though I actually hate putting poetry into a format, I think it takes away from it.

(And sorry about the spelling mistake, I do that quite often, sadly)

I love this! Excellent writing.. and I agree, the second one makes a little more sense. But the original is amazing!