Young Writers Society

Little Bird, nothing makes sense for me.
I used to have friends, but now they are gone.
I used to have a girl, who was pretty like a swan.
And from all the money I had, now I have none.

I look at you, Little Bird,
I look at your broken wings.
And I wonder how, with all the misery in this world,
Still there are people who live like kings

They are the kings of selfishness
The kings of pride
And I am still here, missing my bride

Fly when you are ready, Little Bird,
And take with you this kiss
Tell my girl that
She is the only thing I miss

This is a magnificent piece or writing you have here. Your style in this poem is great, and I can understand what it is talking about-it's just not a huge jumble of some words. I see that all of the 'ending words' rhyme, so it has a nice flow to it.

Great work! I can wait to read some more!

I can't find much to critique. I'm not the best of poets myself and I think this one is structured and written well.

They are the kings of selfishness
The kings of pride
And I am still here, missing my bride

The three line stanza breaks up the pattern, and I was wondering if it was intentional or not. I think it's a powerful stanza somehow, the focus of the poem. I like it.
It's simple, but sounds genuine, so hats off to you. Hope to read more poems from you in the future!

Awesome poem Adrianna! No mistakes as far as i can see!
Keep writing! <3 Aku

Awesome Adriana! This poem definitely made me think, it made me question a few things, it was really powerful. And that's how a poem should be. In my opinion. They should get the reader to feel something other than entertainment. Don't get me wrong, entertainment is a good thing, but other feelings should be encouraged as well, as I believe. Other than a few missing commas, there is nothing wrong with this poem. Are you sure it's your first? I think you should continue on with poetry, because you're really good at it. Keep writing, talk to you later, and may the Force be with you.

Awwww.... Okay I read the poem and I love the theme of the little bird with the broken wing. You've got a hidden poet in you. The poem was simple yet it conveyed your message across to the readers. It was understandable. And I feel sorry for the person who's lost everything. I like how you described,

Adriana wrote:I used to have a girl, who was pretty like a swan.

You were able to actually describe the situation of the person and his feelings altogether. Your finishing paragraph was very good. The flow remained throughout the poem. You should write more poetry and let me know. Keep it up

Adriana!! This was very emotional and touching. The impact it implies and shows is very amazing. You make a wonderful poet ^^. I loved this. I can't really find anything new to be fixed it was so mind blowing. I really loved the details and the descriptions and I truly can't wait for you to write another poem. You're amazing! Good luck and may you get many helpful reviews. <3
Soulkana^^

this is an awesome piece of literary artwork adriana. and is this your first poem?? well you've done far better than a beginner.congratulations!! i just love this poem.it has an intense meaning of its own.
well,all the best for future
keep on shining!!:)

I used to have friends, but now they are gone.Too direct
And from all the money I had, now I have none.Same issue here
I look at you, Little Bird,I look at your broken wings.This was a nice line
Fly when you are ready, Little Bird,And take with you this kissTell my girl that She is the only thing I missThis was an amazing ending. i THink this is on Eillen, what 1st time? Na, u got featured work for this- I really hope you get to be ea successful writer. Good work.

Hey there, I really liked this!

Still there are people who live like kings.

They are the kings of selfishness,
The kings of pride.
And I am still here, missing my bride.

Fly when you are ready, Little Bird,
And take with you this kiss -
Tell my girl that
She is the only thing I miss.

Great emotion in this poem! I really really liked it! Other than the punctuation above that I put in purple (I added it) I think it was perfect!

Great job.

Keep writing,
Just

I think this is a good piece of work
Tho, there are few things which would've looked nicer... atleast in my perspective -



Little Bird, nothing makes sense for me. <<<<< sense to me would've been better I think
I used to have friends, but now they are gone.
I used to have a girl, who was pretty like a swan.
And from all the money I had, now I have none.

^ And the rest are pretty darn good

I look at you, Little Bird,
I look at your broken wings.
And I wonder how, with all the misery in this world,
Still there are people who live like kings
^ Good job there
(There is a good flow here as you continue where you left off. Thumbs up)
They are the kings of selfishness
The kings of pride
And I am still here, missing my bride
(But here, the flow is kinda missing, according to me)
Fly when you are ready, Little Bird,
And take with you this kiss
Tell my girl that << cut "that" followed by a coma
She is the only thing I miss

Overall, good thinking. I loved the concept of the bird. Well, one more thing - I had the urge to read more as I felt something was missing.. may be this would've been better off if made a bit longer? I was just thinking...

Then again, this was interesting. Keep writing!

Seriously, Adriana!
I loved this poem of yours! it's the best I've read in a While and I just can't believe it was your first. It deserves a feature, you know!!

TheGuiltyOne wrote:Little Bird, nothing makes sense for me. <<<<< sense to me would've been better I think
I used to have friends, but now they are gone.
I used to have a girl, who was pretty like a swan.
And from all the money I had, now I have none.

^ And the rest are pretty darn good

I look at you, Little Bird,
I look at your broken wings.
And I wonder how, with all the misery in this world,
Still there are people who live like kings
^ Good job there
(There is a good flow here as you continue where you left off. Thumbs up)
They are the kings of selfishness
The kings of pride
And I am still here, missing my bride
(But here, the flow is kinda missing, according to me)
Fly when you are ready, Little Bird,
And take with you this kiss
Tell my girl that << cut "that" followed by a coma
She is the only thing I miss

I don't know if it's helpful but I agreed with everything, TheGuiltyOne said...
Keep writing, honey. You will be great. And here is a like!!
________________Monica__________________________________________

In that first stanza with all the commas, I think it might flow better if you make them into separate lines.

Adriana wrote:I look at you, Little Bird,
I look at your broken wings.
And I wonder how, with all the misery in this world,
Still there are people who live like kings

One of my favorite stanzas! It really has a fantastic message and speaks very powerfully.

Adriana wrote:Fly when you are ready, Little Bird,
And take with you this kiss
Tell my girl that
She is the only thing I miss

This was a perfect way to make the poem come to a close, I love your writing style Keep writing!

Hi, Al here for a review!

I like the poem 'Little Bird' in a sense that it speaks about how people today act selfish and proud, but there is nothing for them to keep and be proud of. Also, your title 'Little Bird' speaks about how animals have no care in living luxuriously and nonchalantly, a total opposite of humans.

At first, though, I thought you're comparing you're little bird to how humans live. Then I heard of Kings and whatnot. And I think that part is a little to far from the rest of the poem except for the rhyming part. I advise you to add few verses that show human to bird comparison; it's a bit cliche to compare humans to animals but it really works. Then add some verses about the kings of these and that, not just two.

Plus, it's a bit weird because you talked about three things here: your life, the bird and other people's lives. There a great combo to fix together in a poem, but I think you need to connect them properly because I can't get the story right. Again, add some verses to the poem. Don't worry about the length because it's a story on it's own!

Bear in mind that I'm not the best writer out there. I would just like for you to know about the things in my noggin'.

Here's my favorite part:

I look at you, Little Bird,
I look at your broken wings.
And I wonder how, with all the misery in this world,
Still there are people who live like kings

Rating:
It lacks something but I can't get a finger out of it. Try to review it for yourself. Remeber that for an artist, the most important opinion for your work is your own. Keep it up and good luck!

Your Quick Critic,
Al