Young Writers Society

She lives in the dark
For her to hide her painfull mark
You won't see her cry
Cause her eyes show no fear

For her soul can't dissolve in light
The emptiness in her mind
A heart made of concrete ice
In show against the hallowed dark of her

She questioned of her very existence
How this demon got a hold of her?
A haunting conscience blinded her eyes
She neglected the world in His hands

She was already fallen
She locked the door of her heart
To keep her safe inside
To restore her innocence and be whole again

*This is my very first attempt in writing a poem. Feel free to tell me what you think.

I'm not that into poetry, so i don't know if my opinion will be worth much, but i found that the flow of your poem was difficult to follow. I don't know the technical term, but i couldn't sense a beat that i think is critical in lyric poetry. The content was dark, but i think you have a beautiful idea. I love the biblical referancesties. I thought it gave a perfect image for what you seemed to be going for. I think you should persue poetry, though work on the flow a little. For me, it helps if i sing it as a song to the twinkle twinkle little star music. If it sounds awkward, i change something. Poetrys really hard. This is very good for a first attempt.

yes,i showed this to a friend and she seemingly couldn't understand the flow of my poem. and yep,the content is dark. coz i read too much of gothic poetry. it's my biggest influence in writing. and oh,thank you for your comment. i'll try to work on the flow. <3

Hey there! Welcome to YWS! I am happy to read you first posted work and I have to say that I quite liked it! Here is a review to help you go through your errors and to help you edit.

She lives in the dark
For her to hide her painfull mark (you should try adding some punctuation here. Maybe a semi-colon)
You won't see her cry
'Cause her eyes show no fear

For her soul can't dissolve in light -
The emptiness in her mind,
A heart made of concrete ice
In show against the hallowed dark of her.

She questioned of her very existence
How this demon got a hold of her?(You don't need a question mark. Try a semi-colon again.)
A haunting conscience blinded her eyes
She neglected the world in His hands.

She was had already fallen,
She locked the door of her heart
To keep her safe inside
To restore her innocence and be whole again.

So once again, I like this poem and I think that you just need to work on punctuation - that's the only comment I have to make on your grammar and of course the little corrections I made in red.

I think the poem tells a beautiful, yet depressing story and flows really well in my opinion. Keep writing and I know you will be able to achieve great things!

Hey! Thanks for the review. It was a helpful review to know my errors.
And thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it.

xoxo

I read it. There doesn't seem to be very much to say regarding flaws; there are none as far as I can tell.

Instead of any glaring weaknesses, I'd say to just work on making stronger points. In other words, try to get your meaning across as powerfully as you can, and don't bog yourself down with any unnecessary words.

i.e.-

She questioned of her very existence
How this demon(s) got a hold of her?
A haunting conscience blinded her eyes
She neglected the world in His hands

Revision:

She questioned her existence
How demons got hold of her?
Haunting conscience blinded her eyes
She neglected the world in His hands

Not only does omission help with clarity, but it also helps with flow, etc.

You've got a pretty great start here- way, way better than mine!

Another helpful review! I wouldn't realize I was using too much of unnecessary words till you mentioned that. Try to minimize it next time. Thank you!