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Only One of Billions.



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Sat Oct 22, 2011 7:58 pm
Boolovesyou says...



I am only one of billions
Can he see me?
I am only a fruitless tree,
yet I receive his love.
I am not a flawless soul,
I have not had a huge role .
Would the world be the same
If my soul never came?
He is the shepard,
but I am no special lamb.
His love engulfs me,
and influences me to believe.
Even though I am not special,
I will always be his child.
Last edited by Boolovesyou on Sat Oct 22, 2011 10:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.
  





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Sat Oct 22, 2011 8:09 pm
StoryWeaver13 says...



I am only one of billions
with beliefs of millions.
But can he see me?
I am only a fruitless tree,
yet I receive his love.
I am not a flawless soul,
I have not had a huge role . Right here it loses its rhythm a little.
Would the world be the same
If my soul never came?
He is the shepherd,
but I am no special lamb.
His love engulfs me,
and influences me to believe.
Even though I am not special,
I will always be his child.


I'm not hugely religious, but I found this sweet. I don't have a lot to complain about; it was simple, and I liked it for that simplicity; it added an innocence that was really warm and nice to read.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
  





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Sat Oct 22, 2011 9:29 pm
shiney1 says...



Hey Boo :)

Nice poem you've got here. It made me smile, and I wanted to reassure the narrator that, "Yes, He does hear you, honey."

I did have a few issues with the poem itself though.

I am only one of billions
with beliefs of millions. Read these lines over and over. It does not make much sense (the second part, at least).
But can He see me?
I am only a fruitless tree,
yet I receive His love.
I am not a flawless soul,
I have not had a huge role. This line kind of disrupts the flow, maybe if you shorten it to smooth it out that would help.
Would the world be the same
If my soul never came?
He is the Shepard,
but I am no special lamb.
His love engulfs me,
and influences me to believe.
Even though I am not special,
I will always be His child.


So that's the short version. Those are just some suggestions, but you should try to improve on this one, it's beauty could shine brighter.
"If you ever have a problem don't say 'Hey God I have a big problem.' Rather 'Hey Problem... I have a big God and it's all going to be okay."
  





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Sat Oct 22, 2011 11:24 pm
GeeLyria says...



Beautiful! <333
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."
  








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