Young Writers Society

So schizophrenic
The idea is burnt
The time is now stretching
A crash back to Earth

I will listen to you now
I will give you something
Have some water
And have some chances
Say you tried for me

Take the chance
Have a quiet night for once
Sleep in your own little bed
With your head in such a state
Let the alcohol take hold
Let the pressure go to your head

Your pulse is vibrating
A tremor for your blood cells

Pleasures wrapped in a blanket
A blanket crimson and hollow
Emotions are private
Never the one to socialize

Lose your sleep
Wake up in the middle of the night
Maybe you'd like to try
Maybe wanna run and hide
One day you will step inside
And realize there's nothing to hide
And maybe you will understand
One day in a stranger's hand

Strangers are kept in silence
And the kiss of life is stained
With our memory
Our fragile memory

Nothing remains
Nothing ever did change
Chances wasted on this
Preventing other things
That we wasted away

Holding away for dear life
And helplessly making the link
The fury in your eyes
The tiger swiping it's paw

Filthy and dirty

Where do we leave?
How do we carry on?
Do we forget everything?
Shall we continue on?
Where is my release?
Where is my little girl?
Where is she now?
Why not?
Why won't you let me see her?
Is she dead?
Where are you?
Who to see this crime?

"Have fucking courage woman!"
"But mister, tell me where to-"
"You should know better you cunt!"

The baby cries in my head
Her mother's swollen red cheeks
From years of abuse and treachery
The seconds count down

We used to kiss
We used to touch
We used to embrace
Paris 1996 outside
In the rain

We loved
We loved
We loved
We loved

This was really nice! The only problem that I had with it is that it's lacking a lot of punctuation!! Fix that and it'll be great. I'm not much of a poetry writer but I thought that this was really good! Keep up the good work!
Jess

The amount of fascination I have can only be compared to the amount of confusion I have as well...

All I can really get from this was there was someone that the speaker saved (?), they fell in love (?), had a child (?), and now that child is missing (?). Even that I'm not sure of. With just addressing the verse structure and rhythm, it was very well written. But the idea you wanted to come across to the readers...yeah not so much. Sorry if my review kind of sucks, but I'm a little confused of what this is about, so I might not be able to give you accurate enough advice.

The time is now stretching
A crash back to Earth

It might sound better if you put a crash landing back to Earth.

Have some water
And have some chances
Say you tried for me

These are some charming verses you have put together. I especially like the And have some chances/Say you tried for me. It shows the emotional side of the speaker talking to someone they care about, or at least the process they're going through. What I mean by that is that the speaker is willing to give the person of interest more chances AND water. So, they're willing to nurture them physically and emotionally.

Take the chance
Have a quiet night for once
Sleep in your own little bed
With your head in such a state

You get more of that caring sensation from the speaker in these verses much like before. They're deeply concerned on the state of this person, and it clearly shows by how they want them to rest, to take this chance to heal themselves.

Let the alcohol take hold
Let the pressure go to your head

The tone of the stanza takes a turn here. The abruptness isn't awkward; it actually isn't that abrupt really. The phrase, Let the alcohol take hold gives a clear indication of the change of tone, and the line, Let the pressure go to your head locks in the mood of 'something's going to happen' in a dramatic way. Bravo, you did an excellent job on turning the tone of the poem in just two lines. Not many skilled writers can do that.

Your pulse is vibrating
A tremor for your blood cells

This takes the new tone set in the last two lines of the previous stanza to a more emphasized state. It's a sudden realization, but it backs up the thought of the readers' 'something's going to happen', but the dramatic effect expected is magnified after reading this stanza. However, it seems that this stanza comes a bit short. I think it might sound better if you added more verses with this exact state of tone; make it more descriptive, even if it is an abstract poem.

Pleasures wrapped in a blanket

This is the moment the readers were waiting to happen. It comes to quickly though. There must have been events, emotions, thoughts, etc., leading up to this particular line of the stanza. Add them, again, description is key, even in an abstract poem.

A blanket crimson and hollow

I just didn't understand this line. What's hollow about the blanket? Is it the feelings between the two people wrapped up in it or something else? This goes back to the description thing; describe it more without actually saying it. Perhaps it might just be me though...

Emotions are private
Never the one to socialize

Good two verses, but where did they come from? It jumps from the blanket to emotions. Add another verse maybe comparing the two ideas in the same stanza. It will have more of a solid connection and a better flow.

Lose your sleep
Wake up in the middle of the night
Maybe you'd like to try
Maybe wanna run and hide
One day you will step inside
And realize there's nothing to hide
And maybe you will understand
One day in a stranger's hand

This is probably my favorite stanza in the poem. Why? Because it describes the aftermath of what had happened with description! The only problem I have with this is the last line. Putting One day in a stranger's hand makes it seem like the stanza should continue. Add a closer line to this one, or maybe reword the last verse? Again, might just be me...

Strangers are kept in silence
And the kiss of life is stained
With our memory
Our fragile memory

Nothing remains
Nothing ever did change
Chances wasted on this
Preventing other things
That we wasted away

This was what I was looking for. The descriptiveness that flows flawlessly. Amazing job.

The tiger swiping it's paw

Didn't understand his part. I thought at first you were referring to a comparison of something the two want to get away from. A comparison to what they're holding onto dear life for. Again, might just be me.

Where do we leave?
How do we carry on?
Do we forget everything?
Shall we continue on?

I don't see many verses in poetry with continuous questions, so this part is good. The questions flow together and link to each other in some way.

Where is my release?
Where is my little girl?
Where is she now?
Why not?
Why won't you let me see her?
Is she dead?
Where are you?
Who to see this crime?

This part I didn't get right away. It seems like her release was beating her daughter (???????) and she's run away from her parents (???) again, I have no idea what is happening in this part of the stanza. Clarify, pretty please?

"Have fucking courage woman!"
"But mister, tell me where to-"
"You should know better you cunt!"

Random dialogue much? This confuses me even more.

The baby cries in my head
Her mother's swollen red cheeks
From years of abuse and treachery
The seconds count down

So it did have something to do with abuse, but not the way I expected, or was it? The last line seems to want to belong in the first line, next stanza. Be careful where you split your stanzas. Some of them may seem incomplete or worded oddly.

We used to kiss
We used to touch
We used to embrace
Paris 1996 outside
In the rain

Reference to the person of interest or the child? Nice little rhyming device at the end, despite the confusion.

We loved
We loved
We loved
We loved

I think saying We loved once would suffice, or maybe adding another line or two in between each of the We loveds.

I thought, overall, it was well written. Some parts were insanely confusing to me. If you wouldn't mind, and if you have the time and patience, can you explain to me each of the parts I found slightly confusing? I like this poem a lot, I wouldn't want to know what the sketchy parts meant if I didn't.

Keep writing! Hope the review helped. :]

This isn't a review, this is just a reaction.

I liked moments in this. I liked the "have some chances, say you tried for me." I liked the "Have a quiet night for once Sleep in your own little bed." Can't really put my finger on why. They just seem to fit together nicely.

But other than these few moments I just feel indifferent. The messiness of the structure and the fleeting glimpses of characters and events just make me...not care. I refuse to work to find meaning in something, it has to be presented to me or I feel cheated...as though I'm making the story, not you. I'm an arrogant reader

That's my reaction, anyway.

Babs

Alright AJ bro..this piece might get a little confusing but I do understand the message you are trying to persuade. The piece is actually not written for audience as I feel like it is taken from the inner soul of the writer. It is written by the writer for its writer. Not much of cliches used and I saw you used some sophisticated English words there..This is actually a good piece. I wont criticize your punctuation for I am a mess when it comes to that too! High five Aj Bro!

Okay, I loved the poem but like anyone I thought I'd give you some pointers you know things you could improve on and things that you did well. Okay, so I like the basic idea of the poem,

Where do we leave?
How do we carry on?
Do we forget everything?
Shall we continue on?
Where is my release?
Where is my little girl?
Where is she now?
Why not?
Why won't you let me see her?
Is she dead?
Where are you?
Who to see this crime?

this was my favorite part because it shows the unanswered questions that life can pose.
Believe it or not I'm actually having a little bit of trouble finding anything wrong with this poem, personally I don't like the end of it

We loved
We loved
We loved
We loved

it just doesn't make much sense to end like that but again personal preference, if you like it then okay.
Other than the ending there was not much wrong with it... actually there was nothing wrong with it.
Keep writing, good job.
Respectfully,
Aliyah Pillage (Jessicarlielove)

I love the way you have captured emotion. Although i lost track at points where some bits rhymed and some didnt other than that i thought it was fantastic. My favourite stanza (i think thats what they are called) is :

Take the chance
Have a quiet night for once
Sleep in your own little bed
With your head in such a state
Let the alcohol take hold
Let the pressure go to your head

Great Job!