Young Writers Society

I love you always was written,
______painted on her lips as a mother would on her wedding day.
And the slip of his fingers across her shoulder,
so soft, so hypnotic like the sway of reeds in the summer breeze,
______it brings her eyes closed, enchants her.
These are the moments that build upon this violent past—
the silken nuances that won’t weather with time,
____________but will erode the heart of a boy so miserable in his own world.

He is the villain, the shadow that passes between moonlit trees
______that makes you fear the whispers from your own lips;
and these moments are the gunshots into his throat, the slice
____________________of a paring knife beneath his eye.

I will love you always, she said beneath the autumn trees;
it was November and the crack of leaves between cold fingers sounded
___________________________so life-like, like the breaking of misshapen bone,
the strangling pop of a heart poised tight as cello strings.
He hastened his breath, touched her hands so carefully and said
_____________you are the beauty I will see in every sunrise until I die,
and he tried to kiss her, his lips brushing against her coat
___________________________as she withdrew.

But memories are but thunder clouds, transient and fading with the wind,
and the coldest moments make beautiful sequins in a wedding gown;
_____________this he learned as he watched her down the aisle,
gliding above the stone walk of the church, touching
___________________________nothing but his happiness that could not suffice.
And I love you always was written across the altar, whispered in
__________________________________rings of winter smoke between wedding bands.

This, he swore, until death did he part.

First, a question: What I got from this is that this man is in love with this woman, who swears she'll always love him, but then she ends up marrying someone else. Is that what you meant? Just curious.

Okay.

Love the imagery and the metaphors and the language, I just have a few things--

"I love you always was written,
______painted on her lips as a mother would on her wedding day."

These are beautiful lines, but the ending of the second is highly ambiguous. As a mother would what on a wedding day? Would the mother paint her lips, do you mean? I think it is what you mean, but it's confusing and feels a bit incomplete because of this.

Also, you change tenses between these first two lines and the next three lines, from past to present tense. A tense change between stanzas doesn't feel as noticeable or awkward - I don't mind the change from the present tense of the second stanza to the past tense of the third stanza, but a tense change in the middle of a stanza is obvious and weird to read.

"But memories are but thunder clouds, transient and fading with the wind,"

Here the two "buts" sound repetitive. I'd just fix that by getting rid of the first one.

I love your tone, how you make a wedding seem like such a solemn, dreary thing, and I also love your language. Good job!

~Blue

I like it. It's not too long, like some other things I've read, and I didn't get bored. It has good grammar, punctuation, etc. It really is a completely emotion-filled poem, if you understand what I mean by that. It's really good!

I love this. 20 like and only 2 comments!? Well, I think I will be changing that! I actually like the ambiguity and the structure is very tastefully done. The use of italics adds to the semantics and you should keep doing this in some of your other poems that you will write. The flow was almost beautifully broken...it was like I was listening to a stream of consciousness from a lost lover.

I really did like this, and you should keep with this style of writing, the structure suits the style and the lexical choices really stand out with italics. The only thing I would say if I was being REALLY picky would just keep it relevant. The smilies were lovely but I couldn't help thinking that 'the sways of reeds' were possibly not quite descriptive enough. How about 'the sway of violent reeds' hmm..needs some thought..I couldn't help trying to add to it as it I was jealous I hadn't wrote it myself!

Well done, it was beautiful and I urge you to never stop writing unless you find perfection. Which in poetry, is subjective and therefore not possible. When you stop pleasing others, it becomes a whole new thing.

- Hayley

Lumi,

I loved this. See, I was just talking to someone just the other day about how scary weddings can be and you managed to capture everything I felt about it. I felt the tone was cold, chilling - almost haunting and bitter. The structure itself helped capture the essence of it, I think, the way it reads like a string of faded memories (the italics by the way were a nice touch).

My favorite would be that fifth stanza.

And I love you always was written across the altar, whispered in
__________________________________rings of winter smoke between wedding bands.

I love the irony here. How, something we regard as permanent is being compared to "rings of smoke". I just felt that was beautifully done. It makes that last line hit hard. Is he swearing for the newlyweds' demise? Or their happiness?

It isn't exactly clear, but that's what I love about it.

The nitpicks (and only because I had to force myself to find some):

it brings her eyes closed, enchants her.

Not particularly fond of the use of 'brings' here :/ There's a stronger verb than that surely.

the strangling pop of a heart poised tight as cello strings

Mhm. I don't know if it was the use of 'pop' or maybe the comparison to cello strings, but just something about that imagery sounds a bit off and out of place. Maybe it's because most of your images/metaphors so far have been a comparison to nature of some kind, and here, when you compare it to musical instruments...?

Not sure. Might want to look over that. I sort of see what you're getting at, but...

Anyway. That part about "He hastened his breath" is also somewhat awkward. I don't think it's necessarily incorrect, but it makes it seem as though he were deliberately hastening his breath. Kind of like saying, someone is deliberately panting. It makes a weird image, because usually we pant, or in this case, our breaths hasten without our realization of it. But to say it so directly, "he hastened" sounds like he's doing it deliberately.

Does that make sense?

In any case, these were really just minor things caught upon second and third read-through. They're not even that especially jarring. So thumbs up! I don't like things, very often, but I'm glad that this has been enjoyed and featured ^_^ I particularly can relate to the sentiments in this, great job! Also...is he the speaker the one on the altar? Or is he in the sidelines watching his beloved get married to someone else? I felt like it could be either, or, but maybe I'm seeing things.

~ as always, Audy

I really liked this. I though that this was one of those poems that one could read and find more then one meaning to it, the obvious meaning, and then the secrets that you have to find once you read it a few times. I absolutely adore when things like that happens, and poems are an amazing way of doing that because you can do so much with so little and it's so much easier to create something like that then it is with stories and novels. I thought that it was great! I can't wait to read more from you because you seem to be a writer that has a lot of potential here. Keep up the good work!

the epic-est part of this was that I understood, for once. Either my English sense has gotten better, or Lumi’s decided to spare the ppl with low reading IQ. Probably the latter, makes better sense.

I love you always was written,
______painted on her lips as a mother wouldhave on her wedding day.The comparison was nice


These are the moments that build upon this violent past—
the silken nuances that won’t weather with time,
____________but will erode the heart of a boycalling a grown man a boy, is odd so miserable in his own world.



I will love you always, she said beneath the autumn trees;
it was November and the crack of leaves between cold fingers leaves between fingers, or under shoe steps/ sounded
___________________________so life-like, like the breaking of misshapen bone,
the strangling pop of a heart poised tight as cello strings.I’ll assume you studied on music or sth

You keep contrasting, but then it works out. Good work.

This poem was amazing! I read it over and over and over and loved it even more every time I read it again! I even read it to my mum and she loved it! As for nit-picks I have only one or two:

Lumi wrote:But memories are but thunder clouds, transient and fading with the wind,
and the coldest moments make beautiful sequins in a wedding gown;

I think it should just be "And the coldest moments make beautiful sequins ON a wedding gown;" It's just that sequins go on a wedding gown, not in one

Lumi wrote:And I love you always was written across the altar, whispered in
__________________________________rings of winter smoke between wedding bands.

You should just take out the word "And" making it "I love you always was written across the altar, whispered in rings of winter smoke between wedding bands." It makes it a bit more dramatic and a little easier to read

Overall, this poem was beautifully constructed and just beautiful in general! The only extra nit-picks I have are just to take away some "ands" here and there. It doesn't exactly matter where, just where you would like. It would make it flow easier I loved, loved, LOVED this poem! Keep writing! BRAVO