Young Writers Society

Soft
Gentle
Alluring
Sweet
It matters not
What you say
I’m candle wax
Under the fire
Dripping slowly
To the cold
Hard floor
Below

Drifting
Floating
Sweetly
Each day
Through my mind
I can hear it-
Matter not
Petty words
Insignificant
Unknowing
No meaning

Deaf
To all
But the sound
My world.
A sound
With ridges
A record
Begging
For the needle
Your Voice

Love. Love love love unconventional style. The beginning may be a little bit too short, with the four lines of a single word. It is a little bit off putting at first.

One thing, if you're going to have any punctuation, you have to use it consistently.

Deaf
To all
But the sound
My world.

Here you have a full stop, but it is almost the only punctuation in the whole piece. I'm not adverse to people writing poetry like this without punctuation, but if you're going to use any, go all the way and actually use punctuation.

I really like the imagery you've used at the end with the record player. Nice Work.

Hello. I don't think we've met before. I'm here for a review. Let's get cracking.

First, I would like to comment on what Fizz said. I respectfully disagree with her opinion on your punctuation. While she is right in saying that this sort of blank canvas style is interesting and can be effective, I think sometimes a little punctuation is necessary. Punctuation's purpose is to enforce clarity and to resolve ambiguity. If you want to purposely imply double meaning or are being intentionally ambiguous, select the appropriate punctuation (including no punctuation at all). But if you mean to communicate a certain idea in a certain way you must ensure that your audience understands exactly what you mean, again, by using the appropriate punctuation. Dropping all punctuation simply in an attempt to be 'artsy' will only serve to confuse your audience and cripple your poem.

Now, your poem.

I do not like the way you've started your stanzas, the first and second especially. I could whip out the tried and true "show, don't tell" advice, but I hate it when people do that, so I shan't. Let's take a close look at this.

Soft
Gentle
Alluring
Sweet

There are two major problems with this. First, the subject. I don't know what you're assigning these qualities to. I can only assume you are referring to your subject's voice, which I can guess from the title of the piece. If this is indeed the case, it's a little off-putting. It's like the beginning of (the original) Star Wars - the very first scene is an epic space battle. The audience is like "Woah! What the hell is going on here! Who's fighting who? Why are they fighting?" or something to that effect. It's quite jarring. But it's ok, because that scene is a battle - by nature unpleasant. Somehow I don't think you're aiming for the same sort of effect here. When addressing such a delicate subject you should ease your audience into the shallow end, inch by inch, rather than shoving them off the high-dive.

The second problem here: you've implied assumed knowledge. As soon as you say "soft" I think of all the things I connect with "soft". I think of what "soft" means means to me. Herein lies your problem; do you and I think of the same thing when we think of "soft"? I doubt it. I can only think of things I've already thought of. It's like eating pizza for dinner every night for a year. If it was amazing pizza, and different every night, sure. But this isn't amazing. It's the same pizza I've been cooking every night, day in day out. There is nothing new and amazing and slap-me-across-the-face-get-my-attention about just "soft". Here is what you need to do: you need to force me to think of the same thing you think of when you hear "soft". What is "soft" to you? What colour is it? What does it smell like? What kind of noise does it make? How heavy is it? How fast can it run? Can it stand on its head? If you don't tell me what "soft" is, I'm trapped with the idea of "soft" I've always had. It's just another word, marching in time with the ranks upon ranks of other words. If I wanted to know what "soft" meant to me I would have read the dictionary, not your poem. This applies to all the adjectives here, and the verbs and adverbs in the second stanza. Do you understand what I mean?

The rest of the piece is hit and miss. There is a good image at the end of the first stanza. One way you could improve that though is expand it a little more. Yes, you're like dripping wax. But is that a good thing or a bad thing? Do you prefer the cold floor to the heat of the flame? You've set up a great pitch, now all you need to do is follow through to knock it out of the ball-park.
The second stanza is where we run into trouble again. The second stanza is basically a waste of space as it is. You essentially say nothing. You hear this voice, 'drifting', and saying sweet nothings. Then you repeat various forms of 'insignificant'. Hardly worth a whole stanza, especially seeing as it's hardly a brilliantly original concept. I want another image here, Hathor. It's no good just telling me what it is, or what is happening. I want to know what it is like. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Poetry is the art of compressing a thousand words into ten. Paint me a picture, preferably one I have not seen before.

We get back on track to a degree in the third stanza.

Deaf
To all
But the sound
My world.

This is another good start, another potential picture. But again, expand it. What is it like being deaf to the world? Is it serene? Is it lonely? What does this silence sound like? What does it taste like? What colour is it? Does it move in slow motion? You've given my a foothold, now finish the job.

A sound
With ridges
A record
Begging
For the needle
Your Voice

Another almost-image. A record sitting in the player, waiting for the needle to be lowered. Good. Compare and contrast this image to a different image and you've sealed the deal.

Overall, a shaky start, a listless middle, but a potentially solid end. This piece is the skeleton - it needs muscles and flesh. But it's standing, so that's a start.

It's been a pleasure reviewing this, Hathor. PM me if you'd like to discuss it further

K.

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