Young Writers Society

Hello everyone ,
Today I have written a poem about my best friends slow depression and heartbreak.
A Sad story which has left her depressed for life.
All Reviews accepted thanks!
Lorna
Xxx


Your love was worth the sun and the moon ,
I hoped that you would kiss me soon ,

But when I looked into your eyes,
They seemed to take me by surprise ,

You slowly turned so very dark,
You broke my heart and left a mark,

A scar was left where my heart should be,
I hate the scars I want to feel free,

But now I'm trapped in eternal depression,
Over your constant aggression,

Stuck in your deep dark nightmare,
Lost without you there ,

I feel worthless and cold,
Doubtful , alone and old,

Now all I need is a brand new start,
To slowly mend my broken heart,

I will never be the same again ....

Wow! I enjoyed this poem very much! You, however, went off of the rhyming scheme at the end though. If you did it on purpose, it's okay, I do that too! But wow... The heartbreak that this poem shows us... It's truly moving. This poem is truly a work from the heart. Very nice! Keep writing! And, if I may ask, what inspired you to write this? (Thanks for sharing your awesome poem with us!)

Hey lorna!
Great write! Totally loved it =) Great job on the rhyme and the words and imagery.
Thanks for sharing and hopefully your friend will feel better soon. Will pray for her <3

Very good job Lorna, I found this poem truely moving and you have capture the essence of your friends heartbreak superbly! Unfortunate for your friend to go through such pain though :/ keep up the good work anyway!
LonelyBones

Hey lornydoo :3 This is a really great poem, and I love how you took from life. The imagery was awesome, and I could picture this all in my head. The best parts were the first and last thirds. The middle... lacked. But that's okay, because you can always make it better . I think what you need to work on is moving this poem away from the cliche emo/goth sob poem because I don't want it to be that, this poem made me sad, and I hope your friend feels better soon, whatever this idiot did isn't worth it <3. My favourite part has to be this;

Your love was worth the sun and moon,
I hoped that you would kiss me soon.

It's just so sweet and magical, ironic to the heartbreak.
So, onto the critiques.
1) You change tenses in the second stanza, everything else is past and then this one is present. You should change 'look' to 'looked' and 'seem' to 'seemed'.
2) In the third stanza you say it left a mark, but I think if you were truly heart broken there'd be more than a faint mark, there'd be rips and cuts and bruises and scratches! See if you can reword this a little .
3)Fourth stanza - ah :/ this is the kind of cliche I meant, I know that your friend is depressed, and that's bad, but isn't there a way you could describe that a little more subtly, but still conveying that pain and sadness?
4) Oh Lornydoo! I think you can find a much better word than nasty in the fith stanza. c:
5) Fith stanza again; the phrase "without you always there" is a bit confusing O.o maybe cut the always.
6) The sixth stanza's second line is slightly disconnected. I'm not sure how though T-T. I think changing 'lonely' to 'alone' would sound much better .

Overall this is an amazing poem, you really conveyed the emotion of heartbreak *likes*

Keep up the writing,

~Tinkem

Hi,
Great poem! I absolutely love depressing poetry about love and life in general and this poem really enchanted me
One thing was that you fell of track with the rhyme scheme at the end, but you may have done that on purpose, which is cool. You did a good job conveying the emotions in this poem. Keep writing!
~Sharitm2

Hi,
Great poem! I absolutely love depressing poetry about love and life in general and this poem really enchanted me
One thing was that you fell of track with the rhyme scheme at the end, but you may have done that on purpose, which is cool. You did a good job conveying the emotions in this poem. Keep writing!
~Sharitm2

XD Hey Lornydoo,

This poem was in three words, very very good! The first line for example was Awesome!

"I loved more than sun and moon,
I hoped that you would kiss me soon

" Simply ethereal and perfectly capturing, I loved it XD
The rest of the poem was fine, nice, clear, and precise. I understood exactly where you were coming from though I felt that a few of your rhymes did not stun as much as they could have, this poem has potential for power, for effect, do not be afraid to bring it there

Unfortunately I'm not nearly clever enough to think of any specific constructive criticism for you other than keep at it

Oh, and congratulations on being featured! XD XD XD

Your love was worth the sun and the moon ,

nice intro

I hoped that you would kiss me soon ,

But when I looked into your eyes,

peering into the soul

They seemed to take me by surprise ,

You slowly turned so very dark,
You broke my heart and left a mark,

A scar was left where my heart should be,
I hate the scars I want to feel free,

great tone

But now I'm trapped in eternal depression,
Over your constant aggression,

nice rhyming

Stuck in your deep dark nightmare,
Lost without you there ,

I feel worthless and cold,
Doubtful , alone and old,

love the emotions and fierceness

Now all I need is a brand new start,
To slowly mend my broken heart,

I will never be the same again ....



10 out of 10

well, I'm goin through the same thing,and I hope for the sake of her, and me, we don't fall away as friends...as for the writting aspect of it, I think you did an exclent job with communicating the cuases and effects of your situation. I completely lost myself in your poem, and I defietly want to see more fom you .