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Regurgitation of My Paradoxes



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Mon Oct 31, 2011 4:03 am
amygabb says...



Spoiler! :
This is a poem-thing that I played around with. The first have are several paradoxes, then I reversed the order, broke them up, and combined them to form s different meanings and ideas. I am not in love with it (like most of my other stuff) so tear it apart. :D Thanks.


Regurgitation of My Paradoxes


I don’t care,
Maybe I just care too much.

I hate myself to the core,
But love my exterior.

I envy the person you are,
You won’t let me see the real you.

I am fearless,
Though a coward at all the wrong times.

I am talented,
I will never amount to anything.

I am a good friend,
That’s why my friends secretly hate me.

I am intelligent,
People whisper I’m stupid.

They think they know me,
I don’t know who I am.

I don’t know who I am.

They think they know me,
People whisper I’m stupid.

I am intelligent,
That’s why my friends secretly hate me,
I will never amount to anything.

I am talented,
Though a coward at all the wrong times.

I am fearless,
You won’t let me see the real you.

I envy the person you are,
But love my exterior.

I hate myself to the core,
Maybe I just care too much.

I don’t care.
Life is not about how you sing in the sun, it is about how you dance in the rain.
  





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Mon Oct 31, 2011 10:09 pm
GeeLyria says...



Hi there amygabb.

Bahaha... Okay, this poem is not supossed to be funny, I know. But I love that you added sarcasm to it, since almost every teenager speak that language aaaaaall around the world. Now, you said... "People whisper I'm stupid" twice the exact same way, and I kind of dislike that. Add more beauty, be creative, find other ways to say the same thing. That'd make it more enjoyable. But I definitely like it a lot, no doubt. And I seriously love the "I am fearless" line. <3

That's all. Keep Writing!

~Solly<3
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."
  





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Thu Nov 03, 2011 11:25 pm
wewinwelose says...



I liked the twist at the end of how you put the lines together in an order that changed the meaning completely. However, you could work a bit on the start of it, just to make it make a bit more sense. If I could say anything, It would be to expand a bit, maybe deepen the vocabulary and visual images (you have none right this second). I really liked it, but I had trouble understanding it. Remember that you're writing something for others to understand, so make sure it will make sense as much outside of your head as it does on the inside of your head.


I don’t know who I am.

They think they know me,
People whisper I’m stupid.

I am intelligent,
That’s why my friends secretly hate me,
I will never amount to anything.

I am talented,
Though a coward at all the wrong times.

I am fearless,
You won’t let me see the real you.

I envy the person you are,
But love my exterior.

I hate myself to the core,
Maybe I just care too much.

I don’t care.


I loved this part :) You did a really good job! Don't stop writing :).
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.~Groucho Marx

I have a passion for all things literary, and I love to review the work of others :). PM me with a link and I'd love to review for you too!
  








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