Young Writers Society

Our love shine's bright
through the starlit night,
where the moon glimmers and glows
on my lonely world down below.

I sit alone on my beach,
and look up to see you reach
from your perch up in the sky.
Please hold me tight, until we die.

On the wings of an eagle,
my love for you flies.
soaring higher and higher,
and touching the skies.

I lay on my beach
and stare into space,
to watch the stars move
into the shape of your face.

Your silver hair shimmers and shines,
around your perfect face that it intwines.
Your starlit eyes twinkle and glow
on me, sitting here down below.

Always and forever are
these moments with you
They are just like a dream,
that somehow came true.



TuckEr EllsworTh

It was decent, though in some places the rhythm was totally off, but not at all a bad effort, I honestly enjoyed it, and will probably re-read it a few times. Keep up the good work, and never stop writing.

I lay on my beach
and stare into space,
to watch the stars move
into the shape of your face.

This was my favourite stanza! It's brilliant! I guess I like it a lot because it formed a picture so quickly in my head. The rhythm is good, the rhymes don't seem forced or unnatural.

Your silver hair shimmers and shines,
around your perfect face that it intwines.

Here the rhythm is seriously jumpy. The second line just has way too many syllables. I can't think of how you can rework the sentence, but if you can't either, I suggest that you say 'Your silver hair shines and shimmers...' and then make it rhyme with 'glimmers'. That should work much better.

Also: you said 'shine's'. It's just shines.

It's a love poem, which can sometimes be cheesy, but here it's just sweet and joyful. Great job, I loved it!
-Anna

Hi there dogs!

Nice to see you keep on writing poems. That's great! 8D

Okay, since I'm a fan of you as a poet, and you know it... I'm going to be truly honest with you. You have the talent of making a poem beautiful; taking words and transforming them into art, making it flow and rhyme, it's like every word you choose were picked carefully<3 And that's great.

But now I'm going to give you a new challenge now! (Still being honest, cause I'm awesome like that. And knowing that I'm not any better than you at writing XD) Aaaaaand Nicholas Sparks should hear this, too. Take these kind of simple and worn out topics, and try converting them into originality. I want you to take a sentences like "Please hold me tight, until we die" and show us how to express that beautiful feeling in newborn words. Teach us that there is a way to take common and transform it into a brand new piece of art.

That, my friend, will make you even more awesome! ^_^ And I'm challenging you cause I believe in you.

~Solly<3

Hey everyone! Thanks so much for your comments and suggestions on my poem! Real quick though, Ignatious, do you mind letting me know specifically which stanzas where the flow was way off and then i can work to fix it. Also I did change my rhyming scheme in stanza 3 and 4 just to get out of the sometimes boring A, A, B, B, C,C ect. rhyming scheme, if you don't think it fits let me know and i'll change it, thanks for the comment! Also, Annaseale, thank you so much for your comment and i totally agree that one line of mine is wayyy to long and seems a little bit forced. I will defnitly figure out how to fix that Thanks! And GeeLyria <3 <3 <3, again thanks for all your support on my poems and liking them all so much. I'm so happy that my writing has the effect on you that i really am trying get on all my readers. As you may have noticed I am an imagist poet and i usually don't write love poems (really cause my girl friend wanted me to) because put love into an image is god near impossible! And i accept your challenge! Although it may take forever and i have to tediously select the right phrase to start this new style of writing for me I WILL EVENTUALLY COMPLETE IT! Thanks everyone so much!!!!




TuckEr EllsworTh

This was actually pretty good and I am very impressed. I thought the whole thing had a very nice flow to it and it kept me interested throughout the whole poem. It was very clever on how you said the stars formed liked her face, i thought that was cute. Keep it up with the good work!

Your rhyming scheme is all over the place and at times it seems forced. As well as that, the poem was sweet, but flooded with cliches.

Our love shine's shines bright
through the starlit night,
where the moon glimmers and glows
on my lonely world down below.

The 'my' both works and doesn't. I read it over a couple times and there's just something that seems off about it. You'll probably keep it as is, but consider how "the" would sound.

I sit alone on my beach,
and look up to see you reach
from your perch up in the sky.
Please hold me tight, until we die.

There really isn't much flow in this, it disrupts the rest of the poem.

Your silver hair shimmers and shines,
around your perfect face that it intwines.
Your starlit eyes twinkle and glow
on me, sitting here down below.

Pretty sure intwines isn't a word... "entwines"? "intertwines"?

Hope this helped!

first of all, i just wanna sayi really liked your poem. it was sweet and very beautiful, and i'm not gonna just point out all of your mistakes.

Our love shine's bright
through the starlit night,
where the moon glimmers and glows
on my lonely world down below.

this makes me wanna look at at the sky and stare at the stars until dawn. i've always thought the stars were beautiful. and then there's the moon. i've always loved looking at the moon. i like the flow of this. wether or not its a cliche shouldn't matter.

I sit alone on my beach,
and look up to see you reach
from your perch up in the sky.
Please hold me tight, until we die.

really don't think there's much to say about this. i'm not trying to be rude or anthing.

I lay on my beach
and stare into space,
to watch the stars move
into the shape of your face.

when i read this part it made smile.

watch the stars move
into the shape of your face

this really is a cliche, but works and i like it. when you look at the stars and watch them move into the shape of someone's face it really says something.

Your silver hair shimmers and shines,
around your perfect face that it intwines.
Your starlit eyes twinkle and glow
on me, sitting here down below.

yes that is a mistake, but only a minor one. i like the way you desrcibed the way that person looked to you.

Your starlit eyes twinkle and glow

for some reason i've always like the words twinlke and glow, so you get etra points for that.

Your silver hair shimmers and shines

silver is one of my favorite colors, so there's more brownie points for ya.

Always and forever are
these moments with you
They are just like a dream,
that somehow came true.

this is what really got me. somtimes i can be a really big sucker for stuff like this. and dreams come true usually only come once in a lifetime.

Always and forever are
these moments with you

i find this corny but sweet

over all, yes your rhyme scheme was a little erratic, but i like the flow and i really got a good feel for this poem. i really liked this poem and hope to see more of them. keep writing!!!

Hello... WOW!! I love this poem so much.. I just felt like I could read it again and again and again and again. The emotions flowing in it are really sweet and strong.. Not exaggerating at all but this had to be one of the best poems I had read.. Now for the only nitpick I have. I think that the flow was a little off in between, special the 3rd and 4th stanza.. Otherwise, according to me, it was a flawless.. Loved it!!
Harshita:)

Hello... WOW!! I love this poem so much.. I just felt like I could read it again and again and again and again. The emotions flowing in it are really sweet and strong.. Not exaggerating at all but this had to be one of the best poems I had read.. Now for the only nitpick I have. I think that the flow was a little off in between, special the 3rd and 4th stanza.. Otherwise, according to me, it was a flawless.. Loved it!!
Harshita:)

Hello... WOW!! I love this poem so much.. I just felt like I could read it again and again and again and again. The emotions flowing in it are really sweet and strong.. Not exaggerating at all but this had to be one of the best poems I had read.. Now for the only nitpick I have. I think that the flow was a little off in between, special the 3rd and 4th stanza.. Otherwise, according to me, it was a flawless.. Loved it!!
Harshita:)

Locked. Plagiarized.

http://www.healinglovenotes.com/love-po ... eagle.html

http://www.love-meter.net/love-poems/p/a-wish.html

http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/luther-va ... yrics.html