Young Writers Society

Oh what a pretty smile
that she wears upon her face.
If she truly let her feelings show,
she knows she would be a disgrace.
All her hurt is locked inside
so that she will seem strong.
She tries, and tries, and tries to hide
so that she'll still belong.


Oh what a pretty smile
on this broken little girl,
who only asked for love
when heart ache swallowed up her world.
If only light would shine in
and break the dark shadows apart,
but heavily she guards this
hidden corner of her heart.


Oh what a pretty smile,
too bad it is a lie.
A lie she shows to others
so they won't notice when she cries.
No one sees the faded scars
where her heart has been broken.
And when she tries to show her true self,
others think she's joking.


Oh what a pretty smile....
If only they could see,
this little girl whose wearing it,
this little girl is me.
Faking it is easy,
pain is nothing I can't take.
But being turned from for myself
will make my smile break.


And so I hide behind a mask,
But not one made of clay.
Instead it’s made of smiles
to keep the prying eyes away.
My pretty little smile
is a face I wear with pride.
For no one else sees past it
to what’s buried deep inside.

Oh, my Gosh! I love this!

*Ahem* Hi there, Dearws.

Let me tell you, you have an amazing ability to make your poems flow. Plus, I don't think this is clichè at all, you've managed to show us an everyday situation (because there are plenty of girls that feel like you, I'm pretty sure) in a creative way. Though, in the first stanza, I don't think three 'tries' are necessary, it's kind of annoying, I think, I'd keep just two of them. But that's just my opinion. xD Another thing is that I noticed some of lines are punctuated and others are not, so I'd work with the punctuation as well. It would make your piece look more professional. But you clearly made a great job! Keep it up! ^_^

~Solly<3

i was smiled when i read this poem.Lol
The theme you grab here is so cool,smile and love theme will always be a fresh theme to be grab.Good job from you,i like all the words you use here on your poem.n_n

Oh what a pretty smile....
If only they could see,
this little girl whose wearing it,
this little girl is me.
Faking it is easy.
Pain is nothing I can't take.
But being turned from for myself
will make my smile break.

I loved this poem. It flowed very nicely. I can completely relate to your poem and I love that. However, for every broken girl, their is a time to dance.

Hey Dearws! Dogs here with your review today! I really like this piece, i really like how it flows so well and i really like how you took an old and worn out topic and turned it into something new and original. Wearing a mask of smiles rather then a mask of clay. Very clever! This poem has great emotion and good imagery. Props to you for writing this emotion, which is not an easy task.

Anyways this poem is excellent and i really do enjoy it, however, you use a lot of everyday, common, overused words. Reading the same words in a different poem all day just gets a little boring. Add a little more PIZZAZ to your poems! Broaden your vocab! It really leaves a bigger impact on the reader. If you are having troubles doing that i suggest that you take one of these overused words and look them up in a Thesaurus. I do this in my poetry all the time and trust me, it really helps.

I don't expect you to change anything in this poem because you have such a strict rhyming scheme and changing anything would be difficult. BUT ON YOUR NEXT POEM! I exepct such a fantastic variety of vocab that i'm going to be blown away. i HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR YOU! Only because I know you can meet them. Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Thank you all for reading my piece and telling me your thoughts on it. I find that for once I was able to truly be honest about myself and now I feel that I'm growing closer to feeling comfortable with my true self who I only just really met yesterday.

GeeLyria,
thank you for saying you loved this piece, I find that extremely encouraging along with the fact that you believe there are others that feel what I do. I have yet to really meet one that was really ready to open up if I've met one at all. I include myself in that statement as well. I'll try to be more careful about punctuation in the future, I just was in more of a rush in some parts of this piece than I was in others resulting in the unbalanced punctuation that I do have. I also used three "tries" mainly because of the flow of the poem. I would have used left if the rhythm had remained the same. i'm aware it's overused and I apologize a bit for that, but if you read the poem aloud, you'll see what I mean. It just doesn't work with two.

Rysa93,
Thank you for the review and the kind words. I appreciate that you liked it.

Mickeystwin33,
Thank you. I hope one day I'll have the strength to dance even though fear still holds me tightly.

dogs (or rather Tucker if I'm not mistaken),
Thank you very much. I find that this piece was easy to write, but maybe that has something to do with the less than challenging vocabulary and the fact that I'm writing from experience. I'll take your advice with my next piece. I think mainly I just wanted to concentrate on expressing the feeling in a clear way this time, but yes, I completely understand the idea that more elaborate ways of describing instances or even just emotions could impact the reader in a strong way. But I also must say that if the reader spends too much time being lost trying to translate the poem there is the chance that the meaning behind the words can be lost entirely. The words may be a little overused or elementary, but I find that when I want to reach a large audience, my best bet is to speak without the use of an excessively difficult vocabulary. I want as many people to understand as possible. Or maybe I just find that the rhythm was easier to follow this way... I honestly do not know what I was thinking when I was writing this, only what I was feeling. Thank you for your kind words and for the compliments. I hope my next piece reaches your expectations.

Thank you all again for reviewing this.

- A

I really agree and I really love it. This is such a common phenomena but no one has ever described it better than you.

Oh what a pretty smile
on this broken little girl,
who only asked for love
when heart ache swallowed up her world.
If only light would shine in
and break the dark shadows apart,
but heavily she guards this
hidden corner of her heart.

this is my favourite stanza and it's absolutely beautiful. I like the sound of the phrase "broken little girl". My other favourite part in this stanza is the last four lines. They are precisely how I feel, it's like you read my mind, the minds of all those girls out there who faced this problem and summed it up in those four lines. Thank you, now I somehow feel better knowing that someone knows how I feel.

Great job, keep writing!