z

Young Writers Society


No Cure



User avatar
279 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 40
Reviews: 279
Wed Nov 16, 2011 5:05 pm
MasterGrieves says...



There is no cure to force.
They'll always be a place.
When our dreams snap in two,
All of our hopes are shattered.

Cure...for the love;
It means everything.
Cure...for the love;
It would be just nothing.

And there's so much to force.
"I'm afraid we must go".
Promises never kept.
The lies that they've told.

There is no cure to faith,
There is plenty of force.
There is no cure to faith,
All of those broken souls.

Cure...for the world;
It means everything.
Cure...for the heart;
It would be just nothing.

And the cure to this force,
Is to pray for tomorrow.
And not to drown in lust,
Up to our necks in sorrow.

There is no cure to faith,
Yet still plenty of force.
There is no cure to faith,
Medicine for dead souls.
The Nation of Ulysses Must Prevail!

If you don't like Mikko, you better friggin' die.

The power of Robert Smith compels you!

Adam + Lisa ♥


When you greet a stranger look at his shoes.
Keep your money in your shoes.


I was 567ajt
  





User avatar
171 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2594
Reviews: 171
Wed Nov 16, 2011 9:10 pm
wewinwelose says...



Alright, the general gist of this was very good, but here are some things I'd like to point out:

There is no cure to force. This just grammatically does not make sense. it's lie saying "There is not time to break." There is no time to break WHAT? Are you trying to say that you can't cure force? If so you should replace to with for, otherwise, this just doesn't make sense. Explain what you mean
They'll always be a place. A place for WHAT? Do you mean a place where your dreams are snapped? If so then there doesn't need to be a period here, and you should write "Where" instead of "When." If not, try rephrasing this, or elaborating, because this is an incoherent sentence fragment just like the one above it.
When our dreams snap in two,
All of our hopes are shattered. Hopes for WHAT?

Cure...for the love;
Why do you need a cure for love? What's wrong with love? EXPLAIN.
It means everything.
Cure...for the love;
It would be just nothing. How can it mean everything, and nothing? You have to explain. You can't expect the reader to know everything that's going on in your head that makes this poem make sense. You have to walk the reader through your thought process.

And there's so much to force. Force still doesn't have a place in this poem. What are you trying to force? Why are you trying to force it? What's wrong with the way it is? You have to EXPLAIN.
"I'm afraid we must go". Go where? Who's speaking? Who're they speaking to? Why must they leave?
Promises never kept.
The lies that they've told.
What promises? What lies? Who's they?

There is no cure to faith,
There is plenty of force. WHAT FORCE?
There is no cure to faith,
All of those broken souls. Why're the souls broken? What souls are you talking about? Why do you need to cure faith?

Cure...for the world;
It means everything. Why?
Cure...for the heart;
It would be just nothing. WHY?

And the cure to this force, WHAT FORCE?
Is to pray for tomorrow.
And not to drown in lust,
Up to our necks in sorrow.

There is no cure to faith,
Yet still plenty of force.
There is no cure to faith,
Medicine for dead souls.


Alright, so I know you're going to come back and try to explain it to me. DON'T. Your job as a writer is to make the reader understand without you having to explain. If you have to explain it to me, you haven't done your job. "The cat was funny." Makes sense in my head, because I know what the cat did, who the cat was, where the cat was, and why it was funny. You do not, and you do not understand why the cat was funny unless I explain it as such: "My cat, Lady Grey, was funny because she kept playing with the small bird in the tree outside my house." Explains the who, what, when, where, and why that is needed to make my sentence coherent, concise, and complete. This poem isn't bad, it's not great either. Once you fully explain what's going on in your head, I'm sure it will be amazing :).
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.~Groucho Marx

I have a passion for all things literary, and I love to review the work of others :). PM me with a link and I'd love to review for you too!
  





User avatar
66 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1651
Reviews: 66
Sat Nov 26, 2011 10:49 pm
unmarkedterritory says...



Nice creative piece! I love the flow of your words and the sounds they created! I understand the theme detachment is for sure present in the poem! Although maybe you would focus on one kinda of detachment for example; detachment of body and soul, self from the world, from love and there are so many more! You can probably make 3 or so poems form the ideas in this one! But your writing is insanely beautiful and you should never stop! Love the title by the way :)
  








Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
— Sir James Dewar, Scientist