Young Writers Society

Something I wrote after a long time. The title of this poem is one invented by me since I wasn't able to find an existing alternative. Eisoptro- in Greek means mirror and the suffix -polis means city. The word 'Eisoptropolis' thus literally means 'City of Mirrors' .If you for some reason find it inaccurate please let me know.

Note : I sometimes post poems as notes on my facebook account under the alias "Pseudonymous Rex". I just wanted to make it clear so that if someone stumbles across this there, he/she should know that this isn't plagiarised material.
P.s : I've temporarily disabled the above named Facebook account.

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Lost he marched, knowing not whither to go
Lost he marched, trapped in a vision of ages past
Morpheus’s victim evermore
Swimming through the shadows Chronos cast.

An ethereal dream he walked, of woe, of splendor
An ethereal dream he lived, of tears, of laughter
A dream about her
Lost evermore in his mind, in his own city of mirrors
He remembered, a touch that was hollow
He remembered, a voice with no words
Forgetting to remember yet again
Ever suffering, an Atlas to the burden of his sorrow.

Ever lost he marches, still knowing not whither to go
Ever lost he marches, still trapped in a vision of ages past
Morpheus’s victim evermore
Swimming through the shadows Chronos cast.

First of all, let me say I love your signature, more specifically the Bilbo Baggins quote. My sister and I say that when we enter big parties XD XD XD.

An ethereal dream he walked, of woe, of splendor
An ethereal dream he lived, of tears, of laughter
A dream about her
Lost evermore in his mind, in his own city of mirrors
He remembered, a touch that was hollow
He remembered, a voice with no words
Forgetting to remember yet again
Ever suffering, an Atlas to the burden of his sorrow.

Wow. Never change this ever. It's so great! Especially the line 'He remembered, a voice with no words'.
That;s awesome. I just really love the whole thing, I couldn't tell you to change it, because I like it just the way it's written.

Classical mythology has always been one of my most favorite things ever, and that your poem references it not just for flavoring automatically makes it awesome in my eyes.

That said, there were a couple of areas where the rhythm felt off. Some of the lines felt a bit overly-long. In the case of "Lost evermore in his mind, in his own city of mirrors", "evermore" is quite a mouthful, and it makes the line as a whole feel a bit clunky and overwrought.

In contrast, "Ever suffering, an Atlas to the burden of his sorrow." is just plain long because it's wordy. "Ever suffering, an Atlas to his sorrow." gets the point across just as well, but succinctly, and it flows better.

Really, the only way to catch trips and snags in the flow is to read your poem aloud, or have someone else read it to you, taking notes of odd-sounding pauses and stumbled-over phrases.

Right now, you've got a good base that makes good use of repetition, but it could do with some paring down to make the piece feel more finished and polished.