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Beloved's Smile



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Thu Nov 17, 2011 12:04 am
artsy says...



This is for my Creative Writing Club at school. We're working on imagery, and our prompt was to write about something descriptively but NOT reveal what it is. I'll just go ahead and say, it's about a person's smile, and that person being someone the speaker loves. (Hence the title, 'Beloved's Smile') Tell me if you could've guessed what the poem is about if I hadn't told you what it's about! We'll be working on this for a few more weeks, and I need all the help I can get! Some verse, structure, and flow improvement is greatly appreciated, since I only concentrated on the descriptiveness. xD Thanks for reading! :]

~

Pure as snow,
untouched by the footprints
of shoes or plants coming through
the ground, searching for an escape.

Ridges as the side of cliffs-
indentation, each of them different
on every individual one.

Tracks lay on the land
for two years, they will be
destroyed soon, sadly.
I love the colors that
change, such as the leaves
in autumn.

They will be bare soon,
but more beautiful than ever,
when you beam them across the
room, radiating happiness onto others
Your light making up for the blown
fuse box in the corner

Needless to say,
I doubt I'm the only one whose
stomach is invaded by swarms of
butterflies when I see it, feel it-
the light that can melt ice and
put me to ease, give me comfort
Yet, your reasons are just as pure
and genuine as my reason
for returning it.
"You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes - you can steer yourself in any direction you choose!" - Dr. Seuss
~
Will Review For Food
  





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Thu Nov 17, 2011 2:58 am
GeeLyria says...



ARTSY!! Hi there, my friend! ^_^

Ooooh, for the club you talked to me about. That is so awesome. And, oh wow, this is lovely. You've done a great job creating a creative imagery. You let your words fly around your imagination and you transformed one simple and common topic into some new art. Great job!

~Solly<3
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Sat Nov 19, 2011 2:07 pm
ZombieSquirrel says...



I am in love with the second and fourth Stanza's, they radiate creativity, I have never heard such a unique and beautiful way of desribing a smile, it made me think of my favorite Defontes songs :3 I really didn't find a fault in there. I thought everything was neat, and flashy. Brilliant job!
  





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Fri Dec 09, 2011 11:15 pm
dogs says...



Hey Artsy! Dogs here with your review today! THis is a great piece of poetry! I really love the imagery you use and how you connect all of that to a smile and your analogy is fantastic! I love poetry that is strong in imagery and that imagery is based off of one metaphor. That can be very difficult to do and you pulled that off very well, although if you didn't tell me that it was about a smile I probably wouldn't have been able to figure it out but that is partially because I am incompetent...

Anywho! I love the opening stanza. Very good. Well thats all I really have to say! Keep up the good work!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
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I communicate much better on paper than I do when I open my mouth.
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