Young Writers Society

I've lost my pen --
my veins are clogged
with black poison.

somehow, the ink
still flows from my fingertips,
and I'm not able
to stopper it.

perhaps the ink is now
refined,
new words forming
from the dust
of the old.
or
perhaps it merely
ruined
the innocence of something
that was once
brand
new.

I really liked this. Okay...

somehow, the ink
still flows from my fingertips,
and I'm not able
to stopper it.

perhaps the ink is now
refined,
new words forming
from the dust
of the old.
or
perhaps it merely
ruined
the innocence of something
that was once
brand
new.

Okay all the blue words I think need to be capitalized. But since its a poem I think its purely your choice.

Okay BAI !! I really liked your poem!

~Dmari

Lunasol,

I enjoyed reading this as a contemplative piece of poetry. The structure really aided that, the way the lines break mid-thought, reminds me of thought bubbles, or stream-of-consciousness.

I know you made a conscious choice not to capitalize your words, which is fine. But if that's the case I would leave all the "I"s un-capitalized, or else capitalize the start of sentences as dasiamari mentioned. This is to stay consistent and show that you're confident with your decisions. Capitalizing some words / not capitalizing others is flip-floppy.

Since we're talking about poetry and choosing when and when not to capitalize - I thought it appropriate to mention punctuation as well. Often times what I usually see is lack of punctuation/lack of capitalization OR standard grammatical rules. I don't normally see a poem that has punctuation/ no capitalization or no punctuation, but capitalization (Well, I've seen an exceptional few for complex reasons). Part of the reason is because caps & punctuation go hand and hand.

The way that your lines break - the flow is smooth and if you choose to not capitalize, it shouldn't hurt your poem if you take out the punctuations as well. This might help the poem seem more like "thoughts" since often our thoughts are unruly, incomplete, and the exact opposite of an ordered, well-punctuated sentence.

This is only a suggestion/something to think about - I know a majority of what I've said is largely based on my own interpretation of the poem's likeness to contemplative thought. Ultimately, you are the author.

One specific thing I would comment on - I would join the last two words together in the same line. It seems the emphasis is on "brand new" together, not on the individual words. You always want to be careful with this particular style as it has a tendency to sound choppy.

I hope this helped. I know I've commented on a lot of little things, but honestly, the flow here is marvelous and I like the ideas in this. I like how this poem makes me stop to think. Keep writing, I'd love to read more.

~ as always, Audy

Hey, dogs here. Hey Luna! I like your piece, it's a very unique topic and i really like how you tell it to the reader. But i still have just a few nit picks. FIrstly, in the first stanza, this is great! I really love the imagery your are throwing into the readers head but the stanza is just to short, it sounds... out of place. You should add some other fantastic imagery in there to make it sound a little better.

Furthermore, in the end of the second stanza: "and i'm not able/ to stopper it" Oh man, i dont know why but "stopper" in this line sounds sooooo out of place, i suggest you replace it with "stop", it just flows better.

Now the last stanza is really good, you use great vocab and great imagery in that last stanza. My only suggestion is in the 10th line of the 3rd stanza you say "that once was" instead of "that was once". It just sounds better in my mind but it's your call.

Anyways great writing, i really liked this poem. Keep up the good work!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh