Young Writers Society

Eroding away the light,
Overwhelming voids of blight,
Illumination oh so bright,
contingency on rainy night.

Life ascending,
Amorphous Cirrus,
The sky is crying,
Birds keep flying.

Thunder reverberating,
artificial pain,
flowers bloom in vain.

Lightning revalating,
enlightening wren eyes,
uncloaking stratus lies.

Atmospheric cries storm through lands,
rainbows arch over cataclysmic ends.

For some reason the way this is written makes me think it was from the future... I don't know why, it just seems like a future-space-techno poem, if that makes any sense :P

Haha but I liked it!

Nice poem!

At first the rhyme in every line irritated me -- it felt as though the words were chosen solely for their rhyming value, they sounded forced, unnatural and stood out way too much. What's more, there were some strange lines that simply didn't rhyme at all, smack in the middle of this strict pattern. But this adds to the poem by giving it an unnatural, strange, pulsating tone. Beware of being at the mercy of your rhyme -- say what you want to say, don't warp the message to fit the rhyming.

I was unable to find any word "revalating" and I'm not sure what you mean to say there. I like "cataclysmic", though. It fits in.

skwmusic wrote:The sky is crying,
Birds keep flying.

Now that is strange. A crying sky is a slightly tired line, but paired with the flying? It looks to me like a forced rhyme, unless you could enlighten me as to the meaning behind it? Usually birds don't fly in a storm.

I liked the poem as a whole -- it gave the right feel for a rainstorm.

I enjoyed the poem, but it might need some editing.

I really liked this! Your word choice was quite impeccable. I quite enjoy the every line rhymes, it gae it a very whimsy feel. The over all mood of this poem is great. I can't come up with any suggestions so, Keep writing!v

This is good! The only thing I have to say is that it can get a little abstract, which makes it a little difficult to actually picture and visualize in the reader's mind. Your rhyming is good, but a little forced at times. One thing my Creative Writing teacher told my class was to not rhyme unless it flowed perfectly and fit the poem. Yours does fit, but sometimes it feels a little forced. Sometimes those forced rhymes can take away the power of the poem. I actually think this would be better if you didn't rhyme...but that's just my opinion. Some people enjoy rhyme, so do what you see fits the poem best

The only stanza that I was particularly thrown off with was this one:

Lightning revalating,
enlightening wren eyes,
uncloaking stratus lies.

I can picture the lightning, but the "enlightening wren eyes/uncloaking stratus lies" is a little..fuzzy? I'm not sure what you're trying to say exactly in the last line. The second line is a little bit awkward too (could possibly be from trying to rhyme?). Maybe try and reword it?

Otherwise this was good! Just read it out loud, try and see if it creates a picture in your mind, makes you feel an emotion, and it'll be great

Keep writing!

<3 Sara.

Hey guys thanks for the reviews. I use lots of sky imagery in this poem so that could explain alot of the strange word choices. Wren is a type of bird and stratus is a low altitutde cloud (relatively speaking). The rhyme scheme in the 3rd and 4th stanza switches from AABBCC... to ABCABC so that's why it might've thrown ya'll off. As for what I'm really trying to say, well I'm not giving that away. I'll make some revisions to see how I can make it a little easier but its more than just about rain.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but for some reason, I feel as if the poem is supposed to be about how blind people are, making their minds clouded and rained down on with lies. People are dying from ignorance of truth but are still believed to be under this light of life that is supposed to be their source of growth? That's what I got out of it. I'm probably wrong lol

But I have to say, the words in the poem were pretty strong and well chosen. I think that I would have to agree with the thrown off rhyming pentameter. It's like you want to send a specific message but you don't want to make it too obvious, so you wrap it up with different deep meanings disguised with rhyming. I too think that the rhyming is forced, however I think that the mixture of rhymes was a strange yet unique way to put the poem.

If that's what you got out of it that's what you got out of it. I know why I wrote it but to tell you how to interpret something is wrong even if I wrote it for a specific reason. Well apparently my rhyme scheme is unpopular so I will keep that in mind for future poems .Thank for you input :3