Young Writers Society

Life

Life is a game, played by all
Winners, losers, big and small
All apart from those with whom
Death came for within the womb

Death, disease, famine, pain
War, hate and hurt all reign
Through pain is man of woman born
Is then cut down and greatly torn

It makes you wonder where the Maker is
Will He so return to what is his
Will He forever remain silent
As the earth grows much more violent

Man is the virus of the earth
He brings infection through his birth
He is the cause of these troubled days
Maybe he will repent and turn from his ways

Hi there Robster! (Or shall I call you James? Ha ha!) Anyway, I'm Rose and I'll be reviewing this piece today!

Pertaining to the first two stanzas, I have no criticisms other than the capitalization of the first word of every line, which isn't necessary. The rhythm and rhyming were flawless, in my eyes at least; they came off feeling effortless, effective, and not at all stereotypical. Very nice work there!

It makes you wonder where the Maker is
Will He so return to what is his
Will He forever remain silent
As the earth grows much more violent

This stanza sort of destroyed the effortless rhythm I was so fond of in the first two stanzas. What you are trying to say is excellent, but I don't feel like you said it to the best of your advantage. I know you're capable enough to do it well because you did it in the first two stanzas; I just wish you would've in this one.

Man is the virus of the earth
He brings infection through his birth
He is the cause of these troubled days
Maybe he will repent and turn from his ways

I love the first two lines of this. You lost the rhythm on the second two, in my opinion. Again, I love what you're trying to say, but I just don't like the execution. A little bit of editing could fix my issues with this piece easily, though. Other than a few missteps I see with punctuation, I love this poem.

Overall, great work! Remember, as long as you love what you write, my or anybody else's opinion doesn't matter. You're the one who needs to be happy with your work, and as long as you are, you can't go wrong.

Always keep writing!

-Rose

RobsterJames!

Another priceless topic. Amazing job, boy. It was to the point, concise and complete. It flows greatly, it rhymes and makes sense, and the message just let me amazed. xD Although there's one thing I suggest... I think the title is a very important part of the piece, so making it look catchy and interesting counts. Just have that in mind; the title is part of the piece. I'm sure you'd have more views and certainly more likes if you take my advice. I think more people should read this. xD That's why I say this. But other than that, you did a great job. Glad to see you remember God when you write.

Great job! And, God bless.

~Solly<3

wow, i'm usally not one for rhyming poems, but this was pretty good.

Life is a game, played by all
Winners, losers, big and small

i think you're right about this. sometimes people win and sometimes they lose.

All apart from those with whom
Death came for within the womb

the flow was a little off, but i liked it.

Death, disease, famine, pain
War, hate and hurt all reign

when i read this it made me think about all the crap that'sgoing on in the world. i thought this was pretty powerful

It makes you wonder where the Maker is
Will He so return to what is his

i don't really believe in the whole maker thing, but i do wonder sometimes.

Will He forever remain silent
As the earth grows much more violent

in my opinion,yes i do think he'll remain silent. God gave us free will to do with whatever we want, so why would he interfere?

Man is the virus of the earth
He brings infection through his birth

you hit the nail right on the head with this. i think this is completely true. to me, this is the best part of your poem.

He is the cause of these troubled days
Maybe he will repent and turn from his ways

i don't think he'll repent and turn from his ways. man thinks of himself as too mighty, at least that's my opinion.


over all i thought this poem was pretty good. i think you nailed. the flow wasn't perfect, but your rhyming was good. one more thing, your puncuation was off. puncaution is an important part of your writing,especially when it comes to poems. it helps th reader get the flow of your poem. but like i said your poem was pretty good so KEEP WRITING!!!

I loved this, there are a lot of descriptory words used and that makes it interesting to me
keep up the good work!!

Definetly makes you think. We being humans do poison the Earth, inevitably almost. I especially enjoyed the last stanza because I think it brought the underlying truth straight up through the suface, bursting up into the sky.