Young Writers Society

I.
She’s so beautiful, isn’t she?
Bright blue eyes on a porcelain face,
dimples turned to puddles in the rain.
To compare her and me -
the contrast of a flower and a stone.

No, there is nothing to compare;
you gently pluck her jacket like a final
petal as if to count, “she loves me,
she loves me not.”
I love you. You love me not.
My two friends, you’re quite a pair.

II.
Perhaps it was not a sign that
your hand was so contoured to
fit my fingers, that striations of our
eyes were scarred the same.
I never cried telling you goodbye.

I won’t cry now.

I wouldn’t do that.

Oh, that’s a lie.

IV.
You adore her when she opens
to the sunshine, and even more
when she withers in your arms.
We’ve all been together long enough
to know that this is not pretense,
and you have looked long enough
into my eyes to see that I am strong
enough to cope. Like a stone,
I'm too heavy to carry along.

I'm dreaming in the rain, wishing
I could break enough to suit you.

I loved this poem, and how you compared her to a flower and yourself (or the writer) to a stone. By saying

She’s so beautiful, isn’t she?
Bright blue eyes on a porcelain face,
dimples turned to puddles in the rain.
To compare her and me -
the contrast of a flower and a stone.

gave your poem depth and beauty. The only problem I had with the poem was that it took me a second read to understand what you meant by saying

you gently pluck her jacket like a final
petal as if to count, “she loves me,
she loves me not.”

It was a little difficult to understand, until you think about it a little. Next thing I have to say is that in the spoiler it said that you were unsure about the format, well I loved it. I thought that it really amazing how you separated each piece. And I can't wait to read some of your other poems. Great job!

First impressions:
It different from most love poetry I've seen. Others tend to go all either "I hate him ex" or "I can't live without him" , and that tends to be that. I like the strength of the speaker in this poem, she's too strong to give into temptation and bow to his level. I want to give the speaker a night out shopping or the like, she seems so sad, but on the right track.

I don't really see anything odd in the setup of your stanzas, either. I rather like the numbering, too, it gives it some reference for how far you've read, if you lose your place, and so on. Most of the phrasing is subtle but sweet, which I like. The part with "she loves me/loves me not" is kind of trite, and just didn't quite fit, although I also like the way you twisted that up in the last line of the first stanza. Potential solution to this is to put in a line other than "she loves me not' after the first mention of the "loves/loves not" thing.

In the fourth stanza, the use of the word pretense seems a little heavy. Maybe another word? Or it might just be me and my sleep-deprived-ness, but I think you should play around with that word some. See what you can come up with.

Overall, it's had some of the fewest things to critique on, actually. I had to dig around and try to find something that I could suggest improving. You've done very very well.


And, I really, really love your line "our eyes are scarred the same". Gosh, how much better can it get? I can see the flecks of color in their eyes, I can see the reflections of each other in their eyes and just imagine how the patterns of their irises themselves are so compatible...and then it's yanked away, when I realize, they aren't together anymore.

One last thing...the title really does it no justice at all. I don't know what else you'd like to call it, but please, if you change nothing else about it, work on the title some. The title sounds whiny and irritating, but the prose is beautiful. So, maybe more of the prose to be seen in the title, eh?

Wow.

In every stanza I found something to love, it just bristled with brilliant lines I wish I had come up with.
Reading this was like the equivalent of getting a depression injection, there was so much truth and emotion behind it, and it really felt like it could be twisted to fit anyones bad relationship story. Fantastic job, you are a mold breaker my friend, someone who goes with originality over all else. This bleeds a unique vision and delivery of a well known concept.
Loved it! Keep writing!\

-Jess