Young Writers Society

Tears run down my face.
Things I just can't erase.
Your face haunts my dreams,
it makes me want to scream.

I'm not a perfect person,
you of all people should know.
I guess I've learned my lesson.
I guess it's time to go.

"I used to be love drunk,
but now i'm hungover."
I'd love you forever,
and now I'll see you never.

A tear falls off my face
as it finds it place
amongst my broken river.
Where it lies forever.

I wish you'd leave me alone,
crying here down below.
Your voice chases,
all the life left in my face.

I see you now in my dreams,
your smiling face gleams.
But now I have to wake
and again, I feel my heart break.

Sometimes, I wish you were here,
to wipe away my tears,
As they run down my face.
This is just too much to erase.

This is one of my most emotional poems i have ever written. Well at least for me it was, partly cause this all happened so recently. Anyways i wrote this, it's not very good. But i figured i'd let you guys check it out anyways. Oh and yes that is a picture of me up above, i just thought it might strengthen the emotion. Well whatever, enjoy! Thanks everyone!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi!
~Here to review
Like you said, this was a emotional poem. You conveyed your emotions through it quite well. The flow was good, not wavering at any point. Also, the rhyme seemed natural, not forced.

dogs wrote:Tears runs down my face.
Things I just can't erase.

Runs? Tears are plural so it should be run.

dogs wrote:I guess i've learned my lesson.

Capital.

dogs wrote:and now i'll see you never.

Ditto.
Okay, you seemed to be doing that a lot. 'I' should always be capital.(whenever used in the context of a person) Always.

dogs wrote:Your voice chases away
all the sanity left in me.

I think you should put a comma after away.

Keep writing~
- Angel

Readers feel your emotions through this poem. I think this is cool except for the part in which you quoted the lyrics from Boys Like Girls, perhaps you could have altered the two lines or replaced it with something else to make this piece seem less plagiarised (because it'd be such a waste that it seems taken from somewhere else when overall it is a good piece).

Hey dogs

This is a good piece and I like it mostly because it's something you've written with your raw emotion. The only nitpick I have is that it sounds too cliched, but nevertheless, it is a good effort!

Keep the ink flowing, my friend!

Murtuza

Hey guys! Thanks so much for the comments. Woohoo! grammatical win for the dyslexic! Thanks so much for pointing out those little things Angel, i'll fix those. And Joanne, this isn't plagiarized in the slightest. Partially because I have quotations around those two lines so i'm siting my source, therefore it isn't plagiarism. But if you are saying that i should change it to make it flow better i totally agree, it seems a little out of place. And murtuza, thanks so much for your comments! And yeah i know it's totally cliche, my creativity is on a low right now. lol, I'll think of something more original to write... eventually.
Thanks so much everyone!!!!!!





TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey Dogs.

I have the distinct feeling I've heard this before— twice, in fact. The song My Immortal is an on-off favourite, and I've heard Love Drunk floating around periodically. A quick lyrics check confirmed quite a lot of the lines are lifted.

You have changed it, mind. And in changing it, you've done what I call the "college student's trick." This is, when you change just a few words around and call it "your own."

You can still get expelled for plagiarism by doing that.

I'm not actually going to critique this because so little of it is yours. I can go on about how some of your tweaked parts of My Immortal rely on simple rhymes that don't fit the quality of the source material, or the rhythm changes so it doesn't feel like you're following much of anything.

It is just fine to take inspiration from a song, and take one or two lines from that song, but one or two lines only. I've done it before, where I take inspiration from a song and use a line or two. But I always have proper attribution to who wrote the lines for the song, where I got the inspiration, and I do not take more than a handful of lines. Then the poem is a homage, an exploration of what I feel, something more my own. But I would never truly call those poems "my own" because they have a few lines from somewhere else, for the sole reason that they have lines from somewhere else.

Get back to me when you have something original.

~Rosey

Gotcha Rosey, i changed those 2 and a half stanzas i modified from "My Immortal". Enjoy!






TuckEr EllsworTh