Young Writers Society

II.

I remember your blue-blue eyes
Hooded against the climbing sun
And your hand, warm, lost within mine.
The night had been safe, sweet,
Evening drifted by like honey.
You told me to never, ever let go;
Of course I didn't, would not,
Until you did so first.

I.

I curse you and your
Listless, black heart.
Openly weeping as I walk
Veiled by day-to-day life,
Engraving my splintered
Yesterdays onto the fabric
Of all these sunken tomorrows
Until I slip into the seams.

Hey:) I really liked this! Experiment successful, me thinks
Some nitpicks:

Evening had drifted by like honey.

- I think the 'had' disrupts the flow a little bit. Might be better without it.

climbing sun

- I like this.

Of course I didn't, would not,
Until you did so first.

- Amazing stanza. Maybe put an 'I' in front of would not.

I curse you and your
Listless black heart.

- Wow, huge change from love to hate. I like. The 'listless' is used well, even if I haven't really seen someone use it in a poem before. Also, a comma after the 'listless' would be appropriate, as you're listing the adjectives for the heart.

Engraving my splintered
Yesterdays onto the fabric

- Favourite stanza. Amazing.

Well, you certainly conveyed emotions very well. The writing is outstanding, no grammar errors.
I loved how you made me feel for the character writing this, and even though you used metaphors (a lot), it was still understandable - at least you weren't plain and boring with descriptions. So, congrats on that!
I also like how the stanzas have a sort of 'countdown' - from two to one. Very deep and meaningful. Let's hope there isn't a 'zero' - that one would probably be total depression or death :S

Overall, I really loved it - keep experimenting!
And, keep up the great work.
Polly xx

WOW! I really loved this poem. And, thanks for mentioning the love and hate bit because I totally didn't see it until you pointed it out. I thought it was interesting that in the hate part you talk about a seemingly beautiful night, if somewhat bittersweet, and in the love section you 'curse' her/him and 'weep'. Very nice. My favorite part was :

Engraving my splintered
Yesterdays onto the fabric
Of all these sunken tomorrows
Until I slip into the seams.

My suggestions:

II.

I remember your blue-blue eyes
Hooded against the climbing sun
And your hand, warm, lost within mine.
The night had been safe, sweet,
Evening drifted by like honey.
You told me to never, ever let go;
Of course I didn't, would not,
Until you did so first.

I.

I curse you and your
Listless, black heart. (oh! Such a great description!)
Openly weeping as I walk
Veiled by day-to-day life,
Embroidering my splintered (that goes better with your fabric theme.)
Yesterdays onto the fabric
Of all these sunken tomorrows
Until I slip into the seams.

Never stop writing.