Young Writers Society

I'm not who they think I am.

Death girl is not a nice name.

I'm not afraid of you anymore.
You loved me,

but like the earth
loves the trees.
not because you
think I'm beautiful
(I know I'm not)

not because I'm me
(because even I don't know who that is)

and now I'm forgotten
like the wind
hated
cold

desperate and starved for warmth
starving for your touch
warm and kind
but you couldn't love me
because I'm dead
so dead

so hold me
in your teeth
let me bleed
set me free
right now let me go
so I'm not alone
freezing this cold
strikes deep in my bones

It's only natural to
love
death
when you walk
barefoot
on the edge of the silver,
pouring your blood
in the spring
in the rain.

I love only emptiness,
the essence of my being,
pouring from my skin.

I'm kissing the blade
that slits my throat.

My lover,
a soulless murderer
with blood on his sleeves...

I'm not Death Girl
I'm not afraid, just small.

I'm not who they think I am.

Hello again, Belarus! Rose here!

First off, I like the feeling of this poem. Your character seems confused, lonely, and resentful, but I still get a feeling of strength from her. However, I feel like there a few flaws in here. I'll point them out for you. If you don't agree, feel free to keep this poem as is, because, at the end of the day, your opinion is the one that matters most.

I'm not who they think I am.

Death girl is not a nice name
or haven't you heard?

I love the first line. I get a lot of emotion from it, and I understand that your character's hiding something, something that I want to know.

The second line is, frankly, creepy and I love it! I almost feel like one of the creepy little kids from horror movies would say it. It's innocent but malevolent. Moving on into the third line, I'm disappointed. You lost the sense of calm creepiness you captured in the first two lines. I would suggest either omitting the line from the poem or replacing it with something that would carry on with the feeling you established earlier.

I'm not afraid of you anymore.
You loved me

but like the earth
loves the trees
not because you
think I'm beautiful
(I know I'm not)
not because I'm me
(because I don't know who that is)

I'm not a huge fan of this part. It just seems flat compared to the awesomeness of the first two lines, and I'm not quite sure what it means. Maybe if you added some punctuation, I'd be able to understand it. Since I'm not quite sure where the sentences begin and end, I'm not sure how to punctuate this.

and now I'm forgotten
like the wind
hated
cold

I love this. I do disagree with you about the wind being hated, because I'm absolutely in love with the wind (it's been a huge inspiration for me in both art and writing), but I get your point.

but remember
I'm not Death Girl
I'm not afraid, just small.

I'm not who they think I am.

Very nice ending! I'm not sure whether the 'but remember' is necessary; in fact, I might omit it from the poem. However, if you like it, let it stay. I won't object.

Great work! Always keep writing!

-Rose

Hey Birdy! Dogs here with your review! Firstly i would like to say i really enjoyed this poem! it has great feel to it and strong emotion, i like how you formatted the poem, typically i don't like that style of writing but you did it so well it stood out at me and it sounded really good. I really enjoy how you've layered your character, she is strong and assertive while at the same time, like rose said, lonely and confused. Those emotions can often combat each other but you managed to tie it all together in her perfectly so it doesn't sound forced or awkward.

My only minor suggestion i have is to increase your vocab variety a little bit. You a lot of simple words. I am guilty of this too and to fix that i take these simple words and i look them up in a Thesaurus and then choose a better, more enticing synonym for those simple words and it sounds sooooo much better. I think you really need to do that in this kind of style of poem, it would make it 10 times stronger!

Well i really enjoyed this piece keep up the good work!


TuckEr EllsworTh

I don't know, this poem is nice but it is lacking a certain uniqueness that I'm usually picky about finding in poetry. My problem is (and I've said this in reviews a hundred times before) that I've heard this same sort of poetry a thousand times. I liked the deeper concept of this, but I feel a little bit like you should've just found a different direction to really make it your own. That being said, though, the imagery is decent and there are a couple of clever lines here. And really, this is a nice poem.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver