Young Writers Society

It's about love. Or at least maybe love, or not if it isn't after all.

God, give it here
But only if you want to,
And let it be good,
As if I had to ask.

And don't you worry.
God knows more than me.
Maybe things could go wrong, but
We're all OK here.

Nice poem! A bit slow moving and short. I would recommend that you use a bit more enthusiasm and let your inspiration run wild. It looks like you've just put a few words together. The title doesnt seem to fit the poem that well, or the poem doesnt quite descirbe the title, though I do understand what the poem is stating. Over all, it wasnt THAT interesting, but I can see where your coming from and what the poem is supposed to represent. Just let your imagination run wild next time

Spinelli,

I must say I really love the title and the voice of this poem, I like how it sounds modest and indecisive. It's really refreshing, because the voice itself is unique and reveals a lot of character! To add to the voice, I like how the structure of the poem here is short and simple and sweet, but it becomes a double-edged sword. Short poems leave a lot to accomplish in a shorter amount of words. On the one hand, I like how you left things a bit vague - but if I may, this is a little beyond vague, as I have no idea of what this is about.

What is the "it" in this poem? o_0 Honestly, "it" can be anything, and by not revealing "it" or being more specific about the subject of the poem, I am left floating with a bunch of words and unable to comprehend the connection between them. Poetry should aim to ground the reader with images and descriptions in order to provide an experience. Doing so is how readers connect with your work and what makes a specific work memorable.

Another thing I would like to comment on is structure. Your line breaks aren't bad, and I know this is your choice, but I'd leave the beginning letter of every line uncapitalized. Just because this makes it look more polished and professional.

Those are my two cents. I hope it helps a bit. I feel as though if you were to clarify the meaning of the poem, maybe even make use of imagery, this could be something promising. If you have any questions or concerns, just let me know.

~ as always, Audy

Hey Spinelli! Dogs here wtih your review today! This is a great idea for a poem and I really love how you center it around god. Very original to have a love poem centered around religion and god in it, props to you for that! You have also taken on a huge feat trying to write a strong short poem. In short poetry the challenge is to have to be able to get your a complex or simple idea across in few words, make it sound good in those few words, while at the same time potentially layring characters, the best short poems tell an entire story in just a few lines but that is, in my opinion, that absolute hardest poetry to accomplish.

I think this poem needs more depth in it. More UMPH! More something! A bigger impact on the reader as i call it. In all the poetry I write and most of the poems i read, the writers goal is to leave an impact on the reader. Wheither it be emotionally or visually or phillisophically or whateverlly! You have to leave an indent on the reader. Emotionally, make the reader feel the emotion you feel, have the reader feel your heart break or hear your heart break or whatever discriptor you decide to add in there. Visually, make the reader see what you are trying to show and make what you are trying to show elegant or incredibly depressing or shiny or whatever you want them to see. This is where you control what the reader feels and see's when they read. Everything is in your hands! Phillisophically is basically just challenging a common thought or the society idea's which is anouther very difficult style of poetry to pull off.

Anywho! I suggest you try one of these different styles of writing and apply it to your poetry to add more depth and impact to it. Anouther way you can go about doing this is by broadening your vocabulary. You use some great imaganitive words and strong words but you can add in so much more to this! If you are having troubles with expanding your vocab i suggest that you look up one of your overused and everday words and look it up in a Thesaurus. It helps trust me I do it all the time in my poetry.

P.M me if you want any more help

Well keep up the good work and I hope to see more from you in the future!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi Spinelli!

This kind of reminds me of that line in "Strawberry Fields Forever" when John Lennon says this:

No one, I think, is in my tree
I mean, it must be high or low
That is, you can't, you know, tune in, but it's alright
That is, I think it's not too bad

That is, I think you have something very muddled here. And once you look through it hard... there really doesn't seem to be much. I mean, the main gist of your poem is that you should trust God, even if you don't really want to, because it'll all be all right in the end. BUT. This is done much better in other places, such as the Bible (I can give you quotes if you want to, but I would especially recommend the Joseph story in Genesis and The Book of Job) or in other poetry... The Chimney Sweeper by William Blake comes to mind at once, but you can probably find other, better examples than me. Anyway, play around with it, and try to make it powerful.

This seems to be poetry that is meant to be mumbled out. Make your poetry sing.