Young Writers Society

Lost in the trails of my thoughts,
I hang there like a piece of thread in mid-air -
forever in search of myself.

The road is long, they say.
You can't take no shortcuts;
and on my skin lies the graphic proof
of such an affirmation.

The Map I look for seems always to be
by my side when I need It,
but Forgetfulness gets the hold of me
and I sit in my tracks.

The road is long, they say.
Persevere and you shall make it.
But my bones are weakened
by the treacherous Sand.

The villagers, they point and laugh,
but I won't give in to their mockery,
for at least I am trying.

The road is long, they say.
You'll never make it. However
blindness never stopped the man from walking.

Mikko!

This is a fine example of how profound a writer can become when she writes something that inspires herself completely.
I'm glad you've realized that and that you've posted this to teach others of the importance of perseverance. The poem in its entirety wasn't as well polished as it should be, but the message is clear and strong. Certainly not your best effort in writing, but definitely a good sense of imagery.

I enjoyed this piece through and through and I hope you've managed to find yourself on the higher tides of emotion. Keep the ink flowing, now!

Murtuza

Hey Mikko! Dogs here with your review today! Nice avatar! Cute . Anyways back to your review, I think this is a good piece of poetry but it dosn't have the PIZZAZ that most of your other poetry has. This is an excellent theme and a great topic to write about, you have great imagery again and again and great description and strong metaphores. But i think the biggest thing that is throwing me off here is your rhythm. You have some good lines and then a longer line, prime example is in the second line of the 1st paragraph:

"I hang there like a piece of thread in mid- air -"

Great line, but It dosn't really fit in to the rest of the poem rhythm wise. The line before and after are short and sweet and this one kinda drags on a little bit in my opinion. Same problem in 3rd line of the 2nd stanza. 3 and 4th stanza are good. Maybe a little long in the 1st and 3rd line of the 3rd stanza but you kinda balance it out so that one flies i guess lol. 5th stanza is good. Now the last line of the 6th stanza is so strong and imaginative and great but it messes up the rhythm, it makes me bad to say this because that is such a good line lol.

Well that is all i really have to say. You have such great talent Mikko and I don't think this is your greatest poem and that really is because of the rhythm, sorry i was kinda hard on ya but I know you can be soooo much better and soooo great! Be that guy in one the top 10 favorite YWS writer of mine! BE THAT AWSOME PERSON!!!! Keep up the good work!


TuckEr EllsworTh

So this is an interesting poem. Very interesting indeed, though a little bit too sporadic for my tastes in certain regards. Of course, we shall go into that in a bit. First, I would like to try and break this down a little further.

As it goes, I was waiting for the opportunity to review something of yours, and now appears to be a good a time as any, so lets get this show on the road.

First and foremost, we have a few aesthetically pleasing, though unfortunately superficial lines that clash with the overall message (which clashes within itself quite often). For instance;

Lost in the trails of my thoughts,
I hang there like a piece of thread in mid-air -
forever in search of myself.

Not only do you break a certain thought process - the trails and losing yourself in them - but the line in which you broke it up ended up being one in which was not quite as strong as I'm sure you would have wanted it to be. As you see, the idea of a piece of thread on its own suffices to give a very lonely image, rather than a piece of fabric. To add in 'in mid-air' only continues to add on to what has already been previously established, so you're wasting words and space on a petty expansion for effect rather than for actual purpose.

For poetry is very much aesthetics, but it is so very important to have your words as the most important factor. That you only get such a small amount of space so you should use it well.

Now the idea of the poem in itself is quite interesting. Taking on aspects of the road that is life, and that we all know the path we should take, but forget it, and are discouraged by the people who also forgot and are not trying to remember. Clever, and interesting, which is the main reason I picked this certain poem to review, but a bit too all over the place to be something I might favor of yours.

For you give the image that these people honestly think that the road can be traveled, and then you throw quite the large wrench at the end and swing the entire poem back on itself. You explain it being too difficult and then, as soon as they say otherwise, its not. And that mixed ideology did not quite work out in the favor of this poem.

As of right now, though I can tell the poem is riddled with self-doubt (which is a good a reason as any to write poetry), I still didn't feel as if I got much of a point or reason at all for this. If you were depicting confusion as a whole, writing confusedly might not have been your best bet. There is a way of tastefully explaining that you have no idea what you're doing by a comparison all the way through. Not sort of dumping on that last stanza as if to turn the entire poem inside out.

The last stanza, though. That was a knock-out.

I may not have been a fan of the poem as a whole, but that last stanza was a win in my books, dear. Powerful, strong, and hopeful. A light at the end of the tunnel. It brought a bit of hope back to the ideology in this poem.

I shouldn't think this is my favorite poem of yours. I know you are capable of something a little less flighty, though you have a very interesting way with words when you apply yourself to do so. Just make connections. Use that sort of imagery to not only break apart a problem but also to explain it in a way that would make it beautiful. After all, poetry, no matter the situation, is still intensely beautiful.

Any questions, PM me.

~Walker