Young Writers Society

i used to wonder what your body looked like
sprawled out under sheets of paper --
notes in cursive writing, slanted script in ink
when imagination grew sparse and cold
and the empty bed where you should sleep
taunts in patches, sequential enticement,
with the touch of a breathy kiss goodnight.
through dreaming, in dreaming, you’re there.

its got a lot to do with the way you are,
and the way you’re not, nor ever were, with me.
feet on the dashboard, hand in mine
and we drive through sentences and words -
the ones you’ve never used - colourful,
the way the hills rolled into black and white.
printed windshield glaring golden bright
in this threadbare world of my exuberance.

the blanket warms and soothes away the chill.
these books occupy the space between your fingers,
pages between your lips, letters in your lashes,
and the incandescent lighting reflects off
the nothingness of your shapely jaw, that night.
then I would curl into the warmth of you
when october’s freeze became to much to bear
alone; and rest could never come to one who waits.

but you lived in the pages I wrote,
and I believed in you.

~~

<3 Morning, Walker.

Whether or not you regret this in the morning, I think you’ve written, here, one of my favorite pieces by you. There’s something about the melancholy in this particular piece that has me entranced…so much that I wanted to review and get some polish on it with you. Now, you change image quite a bit without really changing images; and by that, I mean that you take the time to bring out more facets of images that could probably stand alone, but you have, by no means, made a mistake by carving them out further. Anyway, for the first time in ages, I’m going to review from the top and guide through the weave of emotions. Let’s roll.

I used to wonder what your body looked like. Whether consciously or not, the reader will get the instant pull underwater with this first line, and that’s something that’s drastically important when you’re conveying longing. No build-up, no hope. There are cold, melancholic, facts. So, if I may, I’d like to think of this as part one of your formula because it’s facet one of the stone you’ve carved. The physical, the forsaken longing. It’s here, and it’s relatable. So you have your undertone that will keep the reader along through the poem. Note that, and be sure your undertone doesn’t take breaks. Consider it a synth behind a soft song, say this soft song. The synth doesn’t leave until his breath leaves. So this is the first reason why this works, and it’s the level you build upon to bring in what I think is your more complex poem.

Love through writing.

Sheets of paper, notes in cursive writing—it’s all there, and you layer it on like paper shelling, I think. Delicately, at least in this first stanza. But moving further than line four, the reader should get winded. See why? Stanza one is two sentences. One sentence consists of seven lines, and that’s not something that is pulled off easily. I don’t think you’ve given the syntax enough breath, though, so consider that revision #1. “When imagination…sequential enticement,” is a bit much considering how delicate your first lines were. Mind the pacing of breath.

With stanza two, my main concern is that you take this forward thrust you made in stanza one, and you continue it at an awkward pace through this entire stanza. It has to do with writing—all of it has to do with writing—and you take the first three lines of stanza two and make them forgettable, really, and that’s not what I wanted. In fact, my first time through, I went back to these first three lines and cherished the mood because it vanishes once you drive into the sentences. On that note, mind the area “hand in mine and we drive through”—I think it may be wanting to get away from you, almost like a tense shift in awkwardness. Spend some time with it, and I think you’ll have it under control.

And to be quite honest, I’m unsure if I have points for stanza three. It’s just…nice. I like it. “October’s Freeze” comes with a bit of awkwardness because you haven’t set up for cold imagery or month references until this point, so you could probably get clever with it.

“but you lived in the pages I wrote,
and I believed in you.”

Beautiful. Keep writing, love. Let me know if you need anything.

-Ty

This is simply beautiful. The final lines just took my breath away... It just felt so honest. Thats all I have to say. Amazing.

All I have to say is that I love this. So much. ahhh. ok. I might come back later to give you feedback but right now I just see what I like... do you listen to Death Cab for Cutie? They have a song called Passenger Seat and it kind of reminds me of it, like, i got the same feeling. looove it

Hey Dream! Dogs here with your review for the day. Dream.... you stun me yet again. This is such a fantastic piece. This officially puts you in my top 5 favorite poets of YWS. Such fantastic imagery, such fantastic writing. such fantastic everything. You blow my mind. Please don't ever stop writing because it is so absolutly fantastic. Please keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Hiyah!

Your post, the Passenger Seat, is a very good of example of poems that leaves its readers shock, then delivers a finishing blow that makes the reader feel disturbed whether to feel happy or sad.

You wrote the poem in a very concrete way. You didn't add any conventions or structural disruptions, and yet, you made it so beautiful and emotional. That is a big kudos to you for bringing up such a poem within the course of night.

Also, I liked the poem's meaning. It exemplifies the meaning of belief and hope. Like what we have everyday. We believe in fantasies that almost nobody believes in. But there is someone, hiding somewhere, who believes in it too. And that is the truth. And the truth is the world.

A favor please? Write more poems overnight. I would like to see more of your works.

I love your title: Passenger Seat. It gives your poem a mystery. I love it! I love how you ended your poem. It was definitely nice.

"but you lived in the pages I wrote,
and I believed in you."

Kudos to you! You made your poem very meaningful and emotional. Thumbs up! Keep writing.

Omg you are amazing! Thats all I have to say.
-Blossom

Hey Dream! Insanity here, I loved your poem! It was beautifully written and the imagery made it so easy to picture it in my mind, definitely a good piece you've got here
The stanzas flowed well and I didn't find any awkward wording or forced rhyme schemes. That's definitely something to be proud of! It was full of soul and depth and I'm interested to see what else you might write in the future, keep writing!