Young Writers Society

I watch you with her everyday
I watch you start to fall in love with her
I watch you ignore all my signals
I watch you forget all about me

You have no clue underneath the lies is the truth
You have no clue its me who truly loves you
You have no clue that I'm going through pain watching you
You have no clue that I'm in love with you

I felt the need to sing this while I read it. Its just so true! I don't think there is anything that I would change exactly. Perhaps add rhyme? Though I know some people dislike rhyme and you don't want to force it. Overall, I like!

Hey Kayla! Dogs here with your review today! So this is a great piece and a great start for a poem. You use a lot of repetition that both works with and against your poem in this case. So this is really good because it is simple, gets the point across. I am a huge fan of short poems but only if you can pull them off, and short poetry is, in my opinion, the hardest poetry to write. You have to get a complex idea across, while at the same time using strong words that will help further your poem, and using strong imagery and description. Accomplishing all three of those things in a short poem is what makes it successful and it is very hard to do.

So this is good but there are a few things I would like to say really quick, this is a good topic but I read a lot of poems about the same thing. I'm not saying change your topic at all, but rather use the same topic and make it stand out from all the other poems about love and how you can't have your loved. Or how your heart is breaking. Add a little more UMPH to your poetry. Add some more PIZZAZ! "ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHINNEEEEE!" (Billy Elliot). Sorry... bad musical analogies. Anywho! a way you can add more PIZZAZ is firstly by adding more depth to your poetry. And what I mean by depth is like more imagination.

For example here are some writing styles that I would suggest for adding more "depth": Imagery- describing what the character or you see's. Make the reader see what you see and then let the reader interpret as they will or tell the reader how you or your character interprets it. Hearing, feeling, tasting yada yada...- this is basically the rest of the sense. Have your character tell us what he hears, feels, tastes, smells. I don't categorize these with imagery because Imagery style writing usually is just imagery. Emotion- this is writing your emotions on paper which can be an extremely difficult task as you may have experienced in writing this. Make the reader feel what you or your character feels, leave an impact on the reader. Philosophical- This is probley the hardest style to write in because you have to create an idea or ideal or subject or topic that is controversial to popular belief and society.

Building off of that you use a lot of simple and overused words in this poem. Another way to help add depth to your writing is by increasing your vocabulary. Try taking one of these simple and boring words that I read everyday in other poems and look it up in a thesaurus. Then choose a better word from the list it gives. I do this in almost every single piece of poetry i write and it makes it so much better.

Furthermore your lack of grammar in here is throwing off the rhythm a little bit. Of course the choice is up to you of whether or not to put in grammar but It is my personal opinion that you do because it makes this piece flow better.

"I watch you with her everyday
I watch you start to fall in love with her"

You use "her" too much in these to lines and in to close of proximity to one another. That is another thing that throws off the rhythm for me. and the "Start to fall in love with her" part, I think you can use so much stronger imagery and words to make this line alone leave an impact on the reader.

"You have no clue that I'm going through pain watching you
You have no clue that I'm in love with you"

Again way to many 'You" 's in two lines. And the "You" write after another really mess up the rhythm, to me at least.

Well thats all I really have to say, this piece is good and has potential to be amazing! I have high expectations for the next poem your write! Only because I know you can meet them. Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

You you's a lot of you's, don't you? Haha, okay, I know my second "you" shouldn't even be one, but you get the idea. A bunch of "you's." The other problem that I had with this was that it just didn't have anything really *different.* Poetry, especially love poetry, can become really overworked to the point of it being annoying or at least dull. I just recommend putting your own spin to this, but there's definitely potential.
Keep writing!
StoryWeaver

wow kinda spooked me when i saw it ,i would say this is good i liked how it sounded like one of those songs they play on the radio although it seemed kinda like something out of a horror movie in the beginning i would give a fuller review but my hand hurts.

Thanks for the P.M. Dogs here for some correction time! ok cool. So in this case, I would suggest that you basically start off the same general way. Now, in this case there are several things you can do. You can try to antagonize the girl that is taking away your love. Or talk about how they can't see you. Or both perhaps. I would suggest you don't do a shorter poem because they are soooo hard! I can't write short poetry well at all. Anyways here is just a few suggestions:

"I watch you with her every day,"
(In the next line maybe add what is it that you see them doing. Do they walk around everywhere, do they always hold hands? If you want to stick with the falling in love thing, which is a really good idea, I would suggest that you base this around a metaphor perhaps. say something like "I watch you fall into her black heart" or "I watch you fall into her trap as she ensnares your..." something, these are just ideas)

"I watch you ignore my signals"

Now this is a good line plot wise. You have introduced the problem, you have told us what you are seeing them do every day or maybe antagonizing the other girl. And now you have to tell us how you feel about him, or at least give us a hint about it. Now maybe, you could break the "I watch you" kind of rhythm if you want. If you were to do that you need to go on a different path and say how you are either un-heard or ignored or un-noticed. For example: "I've been waiting for forever/ and I have found you never./I wish you could have seen,/ that you were the one for me". This is a stanza I wrote in a poem and the "/" means a new line. So this talks about how you have been watching him and waiting for him but he has never come.

"I watch you forget all about me"

This basically goes hand and hand with what I just said so.. yeah lol.

"You have no clue underneath the lies is the truth"

This is a good line but here is a prime example of using better vocabulary. For example: "You have no clue the truth lies beneath her deceit" Just an example.

"You have no clue that it's me who truly loves you"

Here you can expand upon this and talk about how you feel when you see them together. What happens to your heart, what does your face look like when you see them? This is a good place to throw in a littler imagery poetry. Talk about how tears run down your face and no one is there to wipe them off. Or, this is a really good, you can talk about how a tear or tears run trickle down and fall off your face into the black abyss or whatever. Or into the black heart that consumes my love, referring to the girl that has stolen away your love.

"You have no clue that I'm going through the pain, watching you"

Okay this is a good line but you can take it out because basically if you are going to use anything from my last suggestion it gets maybe a little repetitive.

"You have no clue that I am in love with you"

I love this last line, and with some of these corrections you can really pull this off and make this work really well. Before this I really think it would be fantastic, if you are planning on using what I am suggesting in which case I wouldn't be offended if you didn't, it's all up to you. If maybe you talk about how the girl drains your lovers heart and soul, sucks him into her black heart. Anouther chance to use imagery, talk about how she looks. (personally I see her all in black and evil and anything you can think of that would make this character evil)

So thats all i really have to say! Good luck!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

I don't have much of a review for you as I really can't find much wrong with this at all - but I really wanted to tell you how much I like it! As a poem, it flows well and makes your point really clear, and the topic is unique and the poem is just very quirky and individual.

I love the dramatic yet completely true way you've described everything in this poem. Keep writing - I'd love to read more.

Keep writing!