Young Writers Society

My gas mask brother is turning away,
I am sinking into nightmares again.
The dead pull my shell away
Left naked in the cold fire,
Burns torn open with rain.

Red Maggots digging pins from my flesh,
And scissors snip in the background.
This is the sound of one hand clapping.
The sound of tears gently falling...

You can staple me but I don't care,
You can hate me but I won't hurt,
Because you're just ash and dust,
And your scattered across the back roads of my life.

Okay first thing I would like to say is that I loved your last stanza! It was beautifully written! First stanza was okay. It took me a second to find a beat that I thought would go with it (I was thinking something like Skillet's My Obsession) but the only real comment I have for it is the last two lines. You said "

Left naked in the cold fire,
Burns torn open with rain.

I think that it should say "I'm left naked in the cold-end fire" and "Burns torn open with the rain" But that is truly all up to you. Also as for the middle stanza, the first line caught me a few times but after a while I got the beat and thought of it as awesome! I really loved this song though. Just awesome.

First off, this was purely amazing. The emotion drips from your words and the imagery really captivated me. Wonderful job!

The only advice I could offer is for this stanza,instead of "you can staple me but I don't care.." use "I won't" so it flows with the next line better.

You can staple me but I don't care,
You can hate me but I won't hurt,
Because you're just ash and dust,
And your scattered across the back roads of my life.[/quote]


Again, wonderful work and keep on writing!!

Hey there Zombie! Insanity here with your review

ZombieSquirrel wrote:My gas mask brother is turning away,
I am sinking into nightmares again.
The dead pull my shell away

I'm not so sure I really liked that you rhymed 'away' with 'away'. It doesn't really flow very well and is a bit repetitive.
I must also say that you should add more description to 'slipping into nightmares again'. maybe something like 'dragging me into nightmares again' or 'I slip into the darkness of nightmares again'. I don't know, I'm not exactly a top notch writer so you might not want to follow my suggestions haha

ZombieSquirrel wrote:You can staple me but I don't care,
You can hate me but I won't hurt,
Because you're just ash and dust,
And your scattered across the back roads of my life.

"You can staple me but I don't care" is kind of awkwardly worded and doesn't make much sense. Consider revising.
I hope my suggestions helped! Regardless of a few awkward spots here and there, I love the piece as a whole and there's only one more thing left to mention, the section "Lyric Poetry" is for lyrical or emotional poems, not actual song lyrics, there is another section for that.
Keep writing!

Ah! I can't find the "like" button. Usually, when I don't have any constructive criticism, I will like something and leave it there. That's what I was going to do but since I can't seem to find the Like button, I will do a real review.

First, how have you been? Haha! Second, how come you're such an amazing writer? As I said before, I can't find anything terribly wrong with this piece, and I congratulate you on your work as well as your ability to always hit just the right notes with your readers. Well, for me anyway This had so much emotion behind it. Your poem here had a very personal note in it with the last line. It's crazy, I know that feeling you describe. My goodness, you just "get it." The only tiny thing I have is this: "your" in the last line should be "you're." Please, please never stop writing. You're an inspiration! haha

~Jess