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With All the Angelfish



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Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:40 pm
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Daisuki says...



Can I sing you a lullaby?
she whispered – and then,
My voice is rough, but I know a good song.
I tilted my head, and she sang
like sand shifted by the waves,
her eyes half closed.

Occasionally her throat would scratch
and she would look away, as I
tilted my head more,
because I only heard the bliss-cry
of a fish-laden gull.

I wondered why
the sound of the ocean
would hide in a conch shell.

Can beauty not have sound? I asked,
and she shook her head.
Not broken sound, was her reply.
She looked at a postcard of the sunset
with orange and pale blue
and she sighed; two pink shells
breathing her salt-water breath.

I could see her bare feet
and the smooth curve of her heel,
toes wiggling in the dirt as if they were
dreaming of seaweed between them.

What is the ocean? I asked.
My head began to lean, but I
told it to stay straight.
It is terrifying, she replied contentedly,
as she smiled reflected sun,
and there is never silence.

As I wondered if I would like this,
she remembered how
undoubtedly she loved it.

I want to go there when I die, she said.
The last word, it scared me a bit.
I asked why she wanted what she did,
and her eyes rippled smoothly.
She replied, It seems close enough to God,
with all the angelfish. Do you know what coral is?


I said no, and her hair
leapt over her shoulder when her face came to mine.
In her skin ran blue currents
and chilly depths.

Coral is a city, she said, A city
where sunsets sleep each day.
She saw me fail to comprehend,
and promised we’d go
when the stars skitter along bubbles,
and sharks use reflections as stepping stones.

Spoiler! :
It's not exactly done... I keep getting stuck and I don't know how to end it. Help?
P.S. I painted her with acryllic and edited with pixlr.com and picnik.com
oceansand.jpg
oceansand.jpg (71 KiB) Viewed 66 times
Last edited by Daisuki on Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:53 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Oh, I wish I was punk-rocker with flowers in my hair.
  





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Wed Dec 14, 2011 5:15 pm
BluesClues says...



Wow. This is beautiful. Aside from the fact that I just love the ocean myself, you had beautiful imagery and language - and to be honest, the end as it is right now works. I mean, if it doesn't seem done to you then, by all means, write a new ending for it - but I was left satisfied at the end, so I think you're good.

The only thing that bugged me was this line:

"as she smiled reflected sun,"

It was a little awkward and didn't quite make sense. I suggest rewording it as "as her smile reflected the sun."

Other than that, great work!

~Blue
  





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Wed Dec 14, 2011 5:29 pm
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dogs says...



Hey Daiskukl Dogs here with your review today! This is such a great poem. I love the imagery and curiosity you poured into the little kid (or at least I assume it's a little kid...) Anywho! My absolutly favorite part of this entire poem is how it is based off of a metaphor, a very powerful metaphor. That the mother (or at least I assume it's the mother) or women I should say... Is the sea. You use so much amazing imagery to compare the women to the sea.

The last three stanzas are so fantastic! My favorite line is when you talk about her rippling eyes. That is amazing imagery you throw into the readers head. You have accomplished very well of getting the reader to see what either you or your character is seeing in the poem. I can see the woman's face with rippling eyes and everything. So powerful so props to you on that!

My only single criticism is this:

"eyes half closed"

I don't like this line because it is an incomplete sentence. Sometimes in poetry those short sentences can really add to your writing but in this style of poetry I really don't think so. So make so "her eyes half closed" Or something like that.

I love this poem so please keep up the good work!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
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Mon Dec 19, 2011 1:40 am
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Seraph says...



Blaze... All I can say is that I haven't cried in a while... Yet... Tears threaten me now...
Wow.
This is... All I can say is that I am amazed and moved deeply.
I would give this a proper review... But... It's so perfect already...
I really can't say much more. *Sniffles*
*Starts bawling* ;3
"At this very instant, I augment the spacetime that permeates and weaves our beings."
  








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