Young Writers Society

i need you
yet you wait.
for what?
God knows.

I know. maybe
you just don’t want me
maybe i’m horrible
just like i’ve always suspected

maybe i was right

calls. jeers.
“Blackie!”
tear me to pieces. how i want more
than this face
than this body
how i want to hide

don’t be mean.
i’m mean.
how horrible am i.
evil. sick.
while you sit on your ivory tower and hope
for greatness.
who are you?
an illusion?
God?

don’t hurt me.
i hurt me.
how i tear myself to shreads.

Hey there mistie! Insanity here with your review
I really liked this poem, there weren't any real metaphors, but you don't always needs those. I loved this line...

mistielovesyou wrote:don’t be mean.
i’m mean.
how horrible am i.
evil. sick.
while you sit on your ivory tower and hope
for greatness.
who are you?
an illusion?
God?

I love your use of the 'one word and then a period' type of literary device. It really adds emphasis to the point you're trying to get across.

mistielovesyou wrote:don’t hurt me.
i hurt me.
how i tear myself to shreds.

"don't hurt me. i hurt me"
I love that! I don't know why, but it just really struck me as a great way to end it.
The only suggestion I have is that you go back and maybe make some grammatical fixes and run it through spell check, but other than that, a beautiful piece! Keep writing!

Hey Mistie! Dogs here with your review today! This is a really good piece you have here, strong, powerful imagery and description. But I do have a few nitpicks. This topic is very old and very overused and written the same way and I read it over and over again and say the same thing. There is nothing wrong with writing about this topic but you need something to spice it up! Give it some UMPH! Give it some more PIZZAZ! "ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHINEEEEEE" (Billy Elliot). Sorry for the terrible musical analogies. But try to make this poem stand out from all the other poems written about the same thing in the exact same way.

So here is my suggestion to you, I suggest that you either base this poem off of a metaphor or apply some more imagery. You want to jack this poem full of imagery so the reader see's what you see or what your character see's. So another way to help make more imagery is with metaphor's, similes, and personification. And to make all of those stronger you must first support it with strong vocabulary and a wider variety of words to choose from.

In your poem you use a lot of simple, old, and overused words that us readers see everyday in poetry and it gets a little boring after a while. I suggest you take some of these old words such as "tear, horrible, sit, hurt, pain, sick, calls, jeers" Those are just the big ones that I picked up, there are definitely some more but those are the really big ones. So if you are having troubles expanding your vocabulary I suggest that you take some of these old words and look them up in a thesaurus. I do this every time in my poetry and it helps so much.

Finally, on a grammar point... there are a lot of things that I didn't really like personally grammatically. But if I tell them all individually I would be here all year typing this. But really quick I noticed you didn't capitalize any of your I's except for one. You can leave them all un-catpitalize but only if you leave ALL of them un- capitalize or ALL of them capitalized. So here is really how you should write this grammatically:

I need you
yet you wait.
For what?
Only God knows.

I know. Maybe
you just don’t want me.
Maybe I’m horrible
just like i’ve always suspected.

Maybe I was right.

Calls. Jeers.
“Blackie!”
Tear me to pieces. How I want more
than this face,
than this body.
How I want to hide.

Don’t be mean.
I’m mean.
how horrible am I.
Evil, sick.
While you sit on your ivory tower and hope,
waiting for greatness.
Who are you?
An illusion?
God?

Don’t hurt me.
I hurt me.
How I tear myself to shreds.


Well that is all I really have to say. Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh

I love the title! I love the structure! I think you're off to a great start. The part about the ivory throne was a little confusing. Also, during the first two stanzas, I knew what point you were trying to get across, however the rest of the poem transformed the image I'd had in the first place, leaving me with a sense of confusion. Who is this person being bullied by? Also, I liked how the last line left you with a lasting impression. keep up the great work!

I like the poem although the 'I, I'm, and I've' should be capital of the time and it's only capitalized, shreds is spelled wrong in the last stanza.

how i tear myself to shreads.

Other than that though I like the meaning of the poem.