Young Writers Society

Your fingertips, silky
and cold like sweet cream,
perform a dance
across the soft hues
of your skin; I,

hot and heavy and longing
with envy of those
fingertips,
lean the close imaginings
away,
pull my head into
the warm crook

of my arm, wanting
that taste of letting go
that your easy, deft
touch gives,
wanting
so
effortlessly
to reach across and
hold
your
hand.

Hello, Glimmer! (Beautiful username, by the way.) I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

This is truly a beautiful poem. When I first began to read it, I was hoping that it wouldn't turn out like the dozens of other love poems I've read, and you didn't disappoint me. This poe was unique, and I'll remember it when I finish reviewing this piece. As a writer, that's your job, and you did it well. Great work.

Your fingertips, silky
and cold like sweet cream,
perform a dance
across the soft hues
of your skin; I,

This was a beautiful way to start the poem. I love how you described the fingers. The only part of this that I'm not crazy about is how you included the "I" in the last line. I feel like moving this to the next stanza would make this part of the poem much cleaner and more polished.

The rest of the poem, at least in my eyes, looks great. I found this very enjoyable to read. All in all, amazing work!

Always keep writing!

-Rose

Hey Glimmer! Dogs here with your review today! I love your avatar! Such a fantastic movie Anywho! This is a very good piece you have here, describing in depth some very simple as wanting to hold someone's hand and changing it into something complex. It is seemingly simply but as you have just disproved.. it isn't simple at all. The grammar and spacing of this poem is a little odd, I understand the style and format you are writing in can create "choppiness" which usually makes your poem better on the right occasions, however you do it so much so that it is just messing with the rhythm and I suggest you move some words around a little bit.

For example, you also have a lot of grammar errors so, just trying to kill two birds with one stone here, this is how I think you should write this grammatically and rhythm wise:

Your fingertips, silky
and cold like sweet cream,
perform a dance
across the soft hues
of your skin.

I am hot and heavy,
filled with longing,
and envy of those
fingertips,.
Lean the close imaginings
away,
pull my head into
the warm crook

of my arm. I'm wanting
that taste of letting go
that your easy, deft
touch gives.
Wanting
so
effortlessly
to reach across and
hold
your
hand.

So there is basically how I would do it. Doesn't mean you have to do it that way but thats just a suggestion. Building off that lets talk with a more poetic point of view shall we! So there are a few lines in here that completly confuse me and throw off the kind of rhythm you have going on so well here. For example when you say:

"lean the close imaginings"

Whattttttt? Lean the close "imaginings"? Imaginings...? That word is extremely out of place here. I would suggest that you replace it with "images" or "imagery".

Furthermore, this poem is good, don't get me wrong. But it is absolutely vital that in this style of poem you do two things. Firstly, you use a wide range of vocabulary. It is absolutely essential to entice your reader with your massive vocabulary instead of using words that I read every day in so many different poems. You should take some of these overused and boring words and look them up in a thesauruses and choose a better word from the list. It helps a ton and it makes your poem soooo much better.

Now the other thing that I am really looking for in this style of poem is the imagery. This is a perfect poem and a perfect opportunity to use so much imagery in your writing. How do you think her hand would feel? What does it look like? What is she doing with her hand? What color is her hand? what about her hand makes it so compelling to reach out for it? Answer these questions and you will be well on your way to a amazing poem!

Anyways thats all I really have to say. Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh