Young Writers Society

the trouble with us is
we’ve been chasing raindrops, dear,
dropping inhibitions like splattered
paint on the cloth of your favorite shirt,
or the reckless chant of a piano
out of tune, out of memory, out of time.
press the keys, make it hurt.
sing of the wind that blew away
your fears.

music’s got a way
of making you weary, and graphite
stains my skin silver, keeping these eyes
wide open. tired, like the stretch of letters
dragging along the page.
Where the words went, you wonder,
and if the sound was ever there -
but my tempera’s dried, cracked away,
and strings snap under your fingertips.

no amount of paper
could forgive the silent descent.
your crescendo filters away with years
of knowing where you’re going
and leaves the air cold in silence when you,
of all people, inch closer to what you seek.
i follow along, picking up speed,
wishing for Chopin and acrylic pigments
as we hit pavement.

i could never tell you
that dreams can be deceiving.

~~

Hey DreamWalker!!! Dogs here with your review today! I don;t believe I have ever reviewed a piece of yours... anyways here I am!!!! So just on a starting point, I noticed that you didn't capitalize any of your words that start a new sentence nor your i's. Sometimes some poets on YWS hands slip but I don't think so in your case. Personally I'm not a huge fan of that kind of style of writing but obviously, giving many of your other great works, I believe you did it for a reason and I can't help but ask why.

Anyways there are a few lines in here that I think could be a little better, firstly when you say:

"Press the keys, make it hurt."

This is a good line and you really could leave it as it is but personally I think it might sound better if you do something like: Press the keys and make it hurt. Or: Press the keys that make it hurt. Or: Press the keys to make it hurt. And so on and so forth, these are just ideas and you could maybe play around with it or just leave it as it already is.

"and leaves the air cold in silence when you,
of all people, inch closer to what you seek."

This is a great line but I think you could do more with it in terms of imagery and description. The biggest word I would change in here is "cold". It is a good word but I think you could do something so much more creative, if you are having troubles with that then just search "cold" in a Thesauruses and choose from the list. Trust me it helps, I do it with every single one of my poems.

Apart from that this poem is really very good. So much strong imagery and description and emotion that you put into there, and mixing all three of them into this poem is not an easy task so props to you for that! Keep up the good work!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Okay so I liked this which is good as I can be a very harsh critic I had one major problem though which I can quickly explain. As in this will be a very short review. First of all so you don't misunderstand me I have nothing against free verse if free verse didn't exist I couldn't write poetry at all, not that I frequently do but still. I really liked the rhythm of the poem though it was great the one thing that kept nagging at me though is why isn't she making it rhyme when she clearly was tempted to.
Through out much of the poem there are slight rhymes but it felt as though you wanted it all to rhyme, chances are I'm wrong but still next time go with that urge. Rhyming in poetry can even give it a slight aesthetic pleasure when reading it. Once again very good and rather disappointing that you're going on hiatus.