Young Writers Society

I'm standing alone again
and singing this song once more
there something missing this time
i just doesn't seem right...

once more i'm standing in the cold
dreaming of your hold, thinking how your fingers fold
because once more i'm alone...

i still crave the look you never gave me
maybe its something i still have to find
when i see your eyes

so lost in my thoughts
don't even remember the pain of my heart's knots
my mind has your face
how you still hold your grace

staring at the sunset is easier than seeing the fog set
wrong if i am then help me correct
don't leave me as you fret

what she had i never did
a face of an angel, body of a swan, hair of a mermaid
but a heart of stone that stops in a beat's mid

run back to me and stay
never ever walk away...
use me as you will
and pull my strings for a thrill...

Wow, beautiful!

You have some stunning images here and your use of language conveys emotions very well.
I especially like this bit;

a face of an angel, body of a swan, hair of a mermaid

If you wanted to fine-tune it a little, just work on your punctuation - full stops, commas, semi-colons, ellipsis...
Punctuation is important in poems and songs because poems and songs work primarily on a rhythmical level. Punctuation is important in creating that rhythm.

If you're finding it difficult, read it aloud, concentrating on where you want your reader to pause, to stop completely, that sort of thing. Or you could always get someone else to read it!

Otherwise, very good...I love it!

pencilgirl wrote:I'm standing alone again
and singing this song once more
there something missing this time
i just doesn't seem right...you don't rhyme in this stanza, but you rhyme in the following one? It doesn't really have a flow to it and makes it look sort of clumpy.

once more i'm standing in the cold
dreaming of your hold, thinking how your fingers fold
because once more i'm alone...delete that word, it's unneeded.

i still crave the look you never gave me
maybe its something i still have to find
when i see your eyesthe line above this is longer than this, and since they are meant to rhyme, it's a little rushed. I suggest you either shorten one, or elongate the other.

so lost in my thoughts
don't even remember the pain of my heart's knotstoo long. shorten it to something like "no memory of painful heart's knots
my mind has your face
how you still hold your grace

staring at the sunset is easier than seeing the fog set make this a separate line.
wrong if i am then help me correctthis is sort of awkwardly worded.
don't leave me as you fret

what she had i never did
a face of an angel, body of a swan, hair of a mermaid
but a heart of stone that stops in a beat's mid

run back to me and stay
never ever walk away...
use me as you will
and pull my strings for a thrill...replace with 'the' or simply delete the 'a' all together.

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Beautiful work, keep writing!

This was good. Did you get the last few lines from Your Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus?

yeah i was listening to it and i typed it in and i was like opps and then it kind of fit so i was like well red jumpsuit won't mind

Great piece You should work to omit all "I" 's from the poem to strengthen it.