Young Writers Society

I deserve
I deserve to be single and free.
Happily able to mingle and not deal with the accessories.
I'm tired of having to deal with.
Consequential wines of why I did that and this.
I deserve. I deserve.
Not to hope anymore, just to finally know where my path is, instead of tumbling down this slope further and further.
Or to look at you and not be riddled with rage and just scream that I cant bare free of this cage.
I deserve I deserve I deserve
A small key towards temptation without the childish worry
Sent to relieve his pets needs; I meant quarry.
If I might wine a little longer, please endure my mourning.
For I deserve to be exiled longer.
Keep me forever in this sinister prison.
I deserve to consume this hearts disease, laying on this cold and brittle slate, a prison for true loves fate.
I deserve to agonize over minuscule affection and tormented perceptions.
Of the future I was robbed of. But we just stopped cause?
Cause instead I deserve to have you against my will.
Tortured among your blissful kisses and between ideas or jades wishes.

Hullo, Anger here

I'm tired of having to deal with.

with what?

Structure: It didn't work for this poem because halfway through there is a change in tone where the speaker speaks about what he/she deserves (first half) and what he/she will get or is currently getting. I think there should have been some kind of seperation to give this change in tone a bit more effect, or oomph.

Also your structure kills your rhythm -if there was any- you need to understand in some ways a poem is like a song, a lyric, it has a particular pattern, even freeverse. It should be coherent and not have runon sentences, something that your poem has in bits.

I deserve
I deserve to be single and free.
Happily able to mingle and not deal with the accessories.
I'm tired of having to deal with.
Consequential wines of why I did that and this.
I deserve. I deserve.

All this could have been condensed into shorter lines. After a bit, it's repetitive and the reader loses interest. You also don't really experiment with imagery at all until after this bit of the poem. Only when the imagery is introduced does the poem get interesting.

Coherence: Are you getting your point across to the reader? Or rather, are you getting it across effortlessly and seamlessly?

I deserve I deserve I deserve

Do you need these words continually interjected into the poem?

Okay, I feel like this poem is about a relationship, but one person wants to leave it. They stay anyway bound by some sense of guilt because they feel like they deserve unhappiness.

I liked this poem, it improved towards the end.

Hope this helped

Anger

Hi, pigeon here to review

The first thing I noticed in this poem is that there are occasional rhymes, but no rhyming structure. Your rhymes seem very forced and they interrupt the natural flow of the poem. I would forget about rhyming altogether if I were you - nothing wrong with free verse.

Other than that I just have a few nit-picks about grammar and punctuation.

I deserve
I deserve to be single and free.
Happily able to mingle and not deal with the accessories.
I'm tired of having to deal with.
Consequential wines of why I did that and this.
I deserve. I deserve.

Throughout the whole poem you use too many full stops. You don't need to put one at the end of every line - lines can flow into each other, and with this kind of poem you could consider dropping punctuation altogether.

I cant bare free of this cage

This doesn't make sense. Did you mean "I can't break free of this cage"?

If I might wine a little longer

It should be "whine", not "wine".

Of the future I was robbed of. But we just stopped cause?
Cause instead I deserve to have you against my will.

"cause" is used incorrectly here.

Cause: a person or thing that acts, happens, or exists in such a way that some specific thing happens as a result; the producer of an effect

Because: for the reason that; due to the fact that

Where you have used cause it should have been because. If you intended it to be an abbreviation of because then it needs an apostrophe in front of it like this - 'cause.


This poem was very interesting. It's sort of the opposite of a love poem, which I like. Your ideas are good and original and for the most part expressed very clearly.

I hope you find this review helpful!

Keep writing!

- pigeon