Young Writers Society

Hated for understanding your prices.
How dare they, not see.
Mistreated for even caring.
A brief thank you is my payment.


But these words cant harm me.
My soul knows better than to listen.
I intake small amounts, all the time I need to fill up.
Energy infused, is used, for you, confused...


Tormented with emotion.
The price was always listed.
Why did I, walk by, and stand, awry, around all this commotion.
I laugh, you mock, your heart barren and never completed.


But then again, I sat, and sobbed, sweating your "fever"
My mind still full, while your vision was still eager.
Wait..
Lost again, a new line in your book.
The same ole story, by crook or by nook.


Ignore these statements and you would find empty land.
Deny my dear payments and your heart my wasteland.
Remember this lesson all else will fall through.
Your love a recession, but I will always love you.

Hey there Isaac!
This poem has alot of potential in my opinion. I just think that the puctuation needs alot of work. The periods you have added at the end of basically every line make it a little too choppy. One way that I was tought to add proper punctuation to a peice of poetry is to write it all out like a paragraph and punctuate it like that. Then out it make into lines and stanzas. Do that and this poem will be 10 times better because the flow will be smoother.
But keep up the good work!
-Jem

Hi there Isaac!

To be honest, I didn't understand what your poem was about until I read the last line and apparently it was about love? o.o I think you should be more clear with your theme for the poem. At first you're talking about money and payments and recessions. I can see you're trying to relate money to love? Am I correct? If not, then you really have an issue with the poem. However, I'll go by what I think.

So if you're trying to relate money with love, you need to really try. I don't see much of a relation between money and love in real life nor with this poem. You have to demonstrate it. What common qualities do money and love share? How is the love between these two people like money? Add in a little more for comprehension and you'll also find your poem being more successful!

But then again, I sat, and sobbed, sweating your "fever"
My mind still full, while your vision was still eager.
Wait..
Lost again, a new line in your book.
The same ole story, by crook or by nook.

I really didn't care much for this stanza specifically. First, the quotations around 'fever' aren't really needed - what are they doing? Why are they there in the first place? And then you're talking about books! What is this? I thought this poem was about money and love. Please make up your mind And the last line annoyed me just because it didn't make sense and for a poem that isn't rhyming really any time, for a rhyme randomly in the middle of it is just weird and silly. I also don't understand the line. So.

There's nothing I really think of this poem since I had trouble understanding it. It's not very clear in its intentions nor its theme or purpose. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.

Yours,
Lavvie