Young Writers Society

Secrets I keep.
Wish I could tell.
Silence I seek
when it brings me hell.

Truth and lies.
I tell them all.
Let them out,
be my downfall.

Perfect expect!
This they say.
I fall inept
to their way.

No I'm not that!
This is no lie!
I can't be
Some other guy!

The truth is out,
now go away!
I don't give a damn
'bout what you say!

Inside I weep
and shed a tear.
I hurt too much
for things to be clear.

Secrets I had.
I shouldn't speak.
Silence, I wish!
How I'm so meek.

Hi! This poem of yours is lovely and I've enjoyed it very much. Well done, easy meaning yet could be deep, has been put into words with great rhyming. Your poem is very organized. It sounds great.

There's one thing: 'I hurt too much
for things to be clear.'

This part was a bit confusing, mysterious.. Well, it wasn't very clear.

Other than that, the poem's perfect. Well done.

What I mean is with those lines is a moment of pain so great that you don't know what's real or not.

Hey there, ready for a review?

First stanza- I'm not sure if I like your constant use of punctuation throughout this entire poem, but in the first two lines here it really gets to me. These are the lines that are going to drag the reader into what you're attempting to say, and with the disjointed full stops, it feels more like you're chasing them away. Perhaps change the first full stop to a comma - "Secrets I keep,/wish I could tell." - to give it more of a semblance of flow. The latter two lines are nice, but it seems like you should say "when they [the secrets] bring me hell" - unless you're saying that silence brings you hell? That line is mildly confusing grammatically.

Second stanza- Again with the punctuation. Grammatically speaking - and speaking as a poet, myself, though I don't profess to be any good - "Truth and lies,/I tell them all" would be more correct and smoother on the eye and the reading mind. It's here that I find a problem with your rhyme scheme, because "be my downfall" sounds forced compared to "I tell them all", and it sends your flow on a wild ride down the rocky rapids, where before we were having a nice float down the river you were painting for us with your words. (Pardon my analogy.) I'm of the opinion that if the poem doesn't want to rhyme past a couple of lines, don't make it rhyme.

Third stanza- This is... odd? "Perfect expect" makes no sense, unless they're saying "we expect perfection". Also, "I fall inept/to their way" literally says "I fall skilless" without a comma - "I fall, inept,/to their way" would make it prettier, and it would make more sense. I think at this point you should really abandon the rhyme scheme and let the poem do what it wants to do; you're reining yourself in with this idea that the poem must rhyme - at least, that's what I'm feeling! - and it's not working out well for the words themselves.

Fourth stanza- uhm. Ouch. First line, there should be a comma after "No" (because it's an interjection). Also, the last two lines seem very out-of-character for the poem. We've gone from this mysterious secret-keeping liar in the first two stanzas to this informality of "some other guy". Also, "some" should be decapitalised (because you haven't capitalised on other continuation lines). You have to match your own style within an individual poem.

Fifth stanza- I think my problem with this is in the second and fourth lines, where the emphasis lies. "Now go away" seems a little forced, and "'bout what you say" is definitely off-key for the poem. You could use "about" and not violate the rhythm you set within the poem, because most people automatically discard emphasis on the "a" bit anyway, and just move on. With "'bout what you say", the emphasis - as I read it - is on "what" and "say"; with "about what you say", the emphasis is on "you". It all depends on what you're trying to get across, and "about" looks more like it belongs, to me, at least.

Sixth stanza- "Inside I weep/and shed a tear." This feels very much like it was done for the sake of the rhyme and not for the sake of the words. It's redundant, I'll say that, and pointless. If it's not for the sake of emphasis, redundancy is purely inexcusable in a poem of this calibre, poised to ascend into - if not greatness, at least goodness. Also, I despise the usage of the word "things" in the fourth line. Things and stuff do not belong in high poetry like this, lovely. ;D

Seventh stanza- This cuts back to the first and second stanzas' imagery, dragging the reader away from the speaker's pain. It's... disjointed, again (I need to look up synonyms for that word), and I feel like it could be so much better. It doesn't give me a lasting feeling, coming away from the poem. I don't come away with anything.

Overall, this has potential to be really, really great. I just don't like the execution, I don't like how rhyme-centred the poetry in this is, and I feel like it could be so much better with how you get the message you're attempting to convey across to the reader. I like it - I just don't love it.

I like it, even if it''s not how I would've written it. I just have one thing that really stands out to me. It seems like you were trying to use meter, which is great, and I love it, but you don't always follow it. It makes your lines harder to follow, or understand. Just read it, and where you natraully stumble a little, check to see if it fits your meter. Hope this helps you on your way to success!