Young Writers Society

A poem for in the Arms of a Warlock
As the moon floats across the sky,
We say our goodbyes.
One day we shall meet again
To clash together, skin to skin

The crimson blood that stains your lips,
Meets with mine, for a passionate kiss.
Yet there will never be enough time
To declare our love, divine.

The night is filled with declarations of love
As the stars watch us from above.
And as we move together,
In your hair, is a white feather.

At night your wings are black,
Sprouting unimaginable lengths from your back.
But now, as they turn white,
The pleasure makes me cry out into the night.
Love can do be beautiful things
All you must do is believe.
For even the darkest soul can become anew,
But the ones that choose to are few.

Hello! I'm not sure what novel you're referencing, but for this review I'm going to take it out of that context. Overall I like it, it's very lyrical and extremely lovely. Just a few comments:

1. Meter and Iambic Pentameter
At first I was just going to go stanza by stanza, but when I finished the poem I noticed that this was an enormous issue. Basically, what this is addressing, is syllable count. There is an enormous inconsistency in your poem due to the fact that you completely ignore the amount of syllables you use per line. Your very strict rhyme scheme implies fluidity, but with a mismatched meter (rhythm), it seems very awkwardly placed.

Example:

The night is filled with declarations of love
As the stars watch us from above.
And as we move together,
In your hair, is a white feather.

When I read this, I just couldn't get over the choppiness. No matter what content you include in your poem (I liked the content), bad architecture will always overshadow it. One way to solve this is by evening out the amount of syllables per line. The first line has 11 syllables, which starkly contrasts with the 8 in the next line, the 6 after that, and the 8 after that. If there was another 11 syllable line in your poem it would flow much better, but it looks like you will need to cut it down a bit to fit. I won't fix it for you, but please, for the sake of flow, fix this problem as it runs rampant throughout your poem.

2. Transition!

Exhibit A:

At night your wings are black,
Sprouting unimaginable lengths from your back.
But now, as they turn white,
The pleasure makes me cry out into the night.
Love can do be beautiful things
All you must do is believe.
For even the darkest soul can become anew,
But the ones that choose to are few.

All you really need to do to this is split it right down the middle, creating two stanzas. This bulk is not necessary, and it impedes the readability of your poem. There are two movements being discussed, and it would make sense for each of them having their own 4 line stanza.

Exhibit B:

The night is filled with declarations of love
As the stars watch us from above.
And as we move together,
In your hair, is a white feather.

At night your wings are black,

This is such a strange transition. It's mainly due to the line "In your hair is a white feather (No comma necessary)" What does this have to do with anything mentioned above. You just threw it in. Please get rid of it. It doesn't make any sense in context with the rest of the stanza. Plus, the next stanza covers the white feather thing fine, so you have no need to include something about it in the one before. Perhaps you could replace it with something else that fits.

In conclusion, your poem was very sweet but lacked many technical aspects that play an important part in the fluidity and general smoothness of your poem. Please consider my suggestions and PM me if you have questions.

Sputnik

Hi Youngwolf,

I really liked this poem. The rhyme was really naturally and flowed very well.

I only have one little problem with this poem, and it appears in this poem:

youngwolf1105 wrote:Love can do be beautiful things

It can either be: love can do beautiful things. Or: Love can be and do beautiful things.

Apart from that it was great!

Deanie x