Young Writers Society

Don't fall asleep just yet
The night is still violently cold
Awaiting you when you dream
Awaiting you in your deepest sleep
Don't hesitate to keep your eyes open
The night is so vile and old
Still waiting for you to drift off
Still waiting for you to give in
I'll hold you in my arms all night
If you want some comfort I'll be here
I'll silence your cries with a song
I'm sure you'd love to hear me sing
And the bells start to ring
You probably would never notice
Unless I told you everything
And even then it would mean nothing
To you, your eyes, your head
A bloodbath is imminent for tomorrow
If they let me let you go I will follow
So no need to play hide & seek
For the eye that protects you whilst asleep
Belongs to me

You're just like the son I never had
You're just like a daughter I should have had
I saw someone with your exact same eyes
And I thought to myself, "why did I leave her to die?"
I've got nothing left to do now I have you
You make my days seem better than they should
The sound of an echo creeps underneath
And I'm sure you can feel it under your sheets
I'll sing you to sleep if you want me to
I'll offer to help you when you ask me to
Kiss your precious head even if you say no
For you are the one that will never know
You will never tell anyone about this
You must keep it private even from your dreams
The church bells still ring yet you start to scream
And I know that you know I think we are perfect
Up against the wall just relax and stay calm
It will be over in a moment just let me do my thing
I promise you won't feel a thing
So before you run away don't tell anyone about me
For the eye that protects you whilst asleep
Belongs to me

Hey Adam! I know I said I wouldn't be able to review but here I am! Honestly, I am a great fan of your poetry. The meaning behind the words you use to depict such deep emotions is so strong, and I guess since this is not really the expression of feelings, the message you were trying to bring across was a very powerful one. (Shouldn't you move this to Dramatic Poetry? I don't know...)

You were on your phone when writing this, weren't you? Because there is a lack of punctuation, however I will not comment on that -- and anyway, it brings a certain artistic touch to the poem. Some poets even refuse to use punctuation completely and that is a whole different style. Okay, moving on.

I'm sure you'd love to hear my sing

I'm sure you meant "me sing" and not "my".

And the bells start to ring

Is this rhyme I am spotting? Because it isn't the only time you use rhyme in this poem, so I was wondering if it was done on purpose. If not, I can understant some unintentional rhyme. It happens.

Unless I told you everything
And even then it would mean nothing

Another couplet...

A bloodbath is imminent for tomorrow
If they let me let you go I will follow

There is definately some rhyme going on, so why not keep it regular? If you don't want to include rhyme in this, why not try using different words? Though I know how if feels when you've written a poem you can be proud of and some reviewer tells you to change your words. xD But that's what reviewers are for!

And I know that you know I think we are perfect
Up against the wall just relax and stay calm
It will be over in a moment just let me do my thing
I promise you won't feel a thing
So before you run away don't tell anyone about me

This is my favourite part of the poem. I know I'm not supposed to like things like this but fear and darkness the words create is just... really impressive. I love how you made this pedophile so hautingly sweet and dangerous at the same time. I think you've really captured sexual harassment from thecriminal's mind really well and you've succeeded because your reader actually gets the shivers when reading this.

Like I said before, I am a huge fan of your poetry and you still haven't failed to impress me. You've managed to create a hateful character in this, through the cold and "loving" tone applied by your pedophile. You have captured the behaviour of a pedophile at work brilliantly and managed to deal with such a tragic topic beautifully.

I like the use of repetition at the end of your two main stanzas, and eventhough I don't think it was intended, your rhyming scheme can do with some touching up (if it was intended, that is).

Well done, Adam for this piece and I hope this review helped! Keep writing and stay awesome!

Mikko.

Reading this piece's title, I felt very uneasy. Having an eye with me when I sleep is very creepy...But that doesn't mean I won't give a Quick Critique!

Concept & Theme:
You put, as I've just stated, a very disturbing idea into some kind of blissful hope. An eye in the night, it was, some kind of omen. But, you made it beautiful, serene and surreal. It had the feel of assurance, but in that satisfaction lies a deep oppression and a past. A bad one, at that. this mixed emotions you implied gets a high meter!

Technicalities:
Let's see here...

Don't fall asleep just yet Generally, watch the capitalization
The night is still violently cold Like the usage of violently
Awaiting you when you dream Needs a little more words for describing dream
Awaiting you in your deepest sleep Love it!
Don't hesitate to keep your eyes open
The night is so vile and old Personification...great!
Still waiting for you to drift off
Still waiting for you to give in
I'll hold you in my arms all night
If you want some comfort I'll be here
I'll silence your cries with a song
I'm sure you'd love to hear my sing I feel it lacks something, something that can easily connect sing and ring
And the bells start to ring Is there a rhyme?
You probably would never notice
Unless I told you everything
And even then it would mean nothing Great contrast; Is there really a rhyme?
To you, your eyes, your head
A bloodbath is imminent for tomorrow
If they let me let you go I will follow Redundancy
So no need to play hide & seek Very scary!
For the eye that protects you whilst asleep A good contrast from scare!
Belongs to me Then cold again, great!
You're just like the son I never had
You're just like a daughter I should have had
I saw someone with your exact same eyes
And I thought to myself, "why did I leave her to die?"
I've got nothing left to do now I have you Adding a 'that' might make it sound a bit better!
You make my days seem better than they should
The sound of an echo creeps underneath Adding more color to echo can make it more creative.
And I'm sure you can feel it under your sheets
I'll sing you to sleep if you want me to
I'll offer to help you when you ask me to I think it's too light...
Kiss your precious head even if you say no
For you are the one that will never know
You will never tell anyone about this
You must keep it private even from your dreams
The church bells still ring yet you start to scream
And I know that you know I think we are perfect
Up against the wall just relax and stay calm It WAS relaxing!
It will be over in a moment just let me do my thing What thing?
I promise you won't feel a thing If you really have a rhyme, how about keeping them constant?
So before you run away don't tell anyone about me
For the eye that protects you whilst asleep
Belongs to me Great finish

Imagery & Wording:
You had a great knack of words here. It changed the temperature, so to tell. Your quick change from assurance to fear was absolutely a great contrast, adding both emotion and personal effect. There are also a lot of words in the poem that can be expound (dreams, echoes etc.) to more vibrant verses by adding more adjectives. Try that and you can make a whole story on this poem's own!

Overall:
I simply can't get enough of this: I love the contrast! I think that was the best quality of your poem. You also added figurative speech even though it was more to the narrative side. Kudos to that! Great work! Fine and superb!

Your coup-de-carayon,
Al

Hey AJT,

Wow. That's all I can say - I love your poetry so much. It always has such a clear and beautiful sense of rhythm, and you create such an array of deep feelings, thoughts and emotions with your words that I'm just amazed. I love the darkness of your poetry, and the way the words truly take me to the place/situation that you're writing about. I love reading your poetry - it creates a sense of something so dark and deep, something I think depicts such a haunting but truthful take on so many things in life.

I love this poem in particular - again, for many of the reasons I stated above.

I agree with you that this poem was creepy - but that is honestly such an amazing and rare thing that it really made me feel this. The poem is no obvious but it's still understandable - it's subtle although it creates a very definite feeling and you set a definite tone. It's just as it should be.

To be honest, although I'd love to write a long review on this, I really wouldn't know what to suggest. It seemed like a pretty polished poem to me. I especially love the ending of both stanzas and the title of the poem:

For the eye that protects you whilst asleep
Belongs to me

This is such a haunting, simple but clear and unique line. I love it.

There was just one tiny thing which bothered me, one which Mikko already mentioned and I agree with.

I'm sure you'd love to hear my sing

Shouldn't that line be "my song" or "me sing"?

Other than that, I really can't find much to pick on (and honestly, I do try to find things! ) so all I can say is that this is amazing.

Keep writing,

~Misty~

Hey there! Be forewarned, I'm no poetry expert. I'll do my best to give you a good review though.

What I liked!

1. It was nice and descriptive. You used the right words for each situation.
2. I loved how you described the night, being bitterly cold, and then described the speaker comforting the second person. This gave your poem a realistic feel.
3. You never said the main character was speaking about a baby, or small child, but that's what I gathered. I caught on to the meaning without you having to be too direct.

What I thought needs some work!

1. I don't like it when people rhyme "no" and "know". It's perfectly okay to do, this is just my opinion.
2. I read over this a few times, and I didn't notice that in line ten you said "here". Every time I read it as "there". I think I like "there" better, but once again, that's only my opinion.

Good job! This was really well written. I enjoyed reading it, and the only things that I thought could be changed are all based on my opinion. I'm sorry this review lacks substance.