Young Writers Society

There goes Mimi:
she moves on so fast from dreaming.
First she will not dare to talk;
she vows to never speak to me again.
Something I must have done wrong.
(I think I know) What am I?

Love that shakes me up.
Five years wasn't enough.
(I think I'll cry) Where do go from here?

There goes Mimi:
acts like nothing ever happened.
First she will not dare to tell;
she vows to never speak to anyone.
I think I know what I did wrong.
(I think I know) Where am I?

Love she won't forget.
Love without regret.
(I think she'll cry) While no one's looking.

Throw away everything.
Colours abound in her head.
Tries to ditch what he had-
only I can help her in this mess.

There goes Mimi:
her name springs bad associations.
First she will pretend I'm not here;
she vows to never say my name again.
I understand what I've done wrong.
(I think I know) Where is she?

Love that was so pure.
She gave me the cure.
(I think it's time) We must meet again.

Time that moves so fast.
Time that will not last.
(So is it time?) Is it time to rest?

Love that died so quick.
As adrupt as a kiss.
(A moment in time) And what a moment it was.

Hi ajt!

I kind of like the format here, where you have him looking at Mimi and thinking about what's going on in her head versus what's going on in her actions. I think it's really telling. It kind of reminds me, actually, of that one Beatles song "For No One" because that song is also is about what the ex does in her actions and thoughts. So, it's just interesting.

As far as this poem... it seemed really confusing. You keep on hinting that you know what you did and it makes sense that she left, but it still seems odd because it sounds like you two are still in love. And, if what you did was really the final cause of separation and that it had to be so, then it seems strange that the love is really that pure.

Also, you mentioned that this relationship lasted for five years, and yet you describe it as "Love that died so quick/ As adrupt [sic] as a kiss." There's all these contradictory images in the poem, so really there doesn't seem to be any real consensus. For me, this makes me wonder about the authenticity of the poem.

Anyway, just a couple of ideas. I like the format, but I think you need to fix the inconsistencies. It makes it really hard to imagine the nature of this relationship.

Hope this helps!