Young Writers Society

walking on red, stained snow
others walk on gritty pavement
i try to
though i
fall through the cracks and my screams
are the faintest, most pitiful fingerprints on the air

press my arm to the bitter, cold whiteness
discolour it even more
press my temple to the cutting, freezing redness
and it drips like honey from a knife
like tears from quiet blue eyes
like darkness from the changing sky
like ink from my mouth at night

my mind flings itself out the window
my eyes flicker out of this
spillage of grey, this cell
others have cyan smiles drawn on their faces
their eyes and minds inside this well

so more than pain woke me up
but somewhere along this line
i couldn't find a way to pay these costs
i've fallen to these pits which cling to the
bottom of the earth and once more
my head falls to the snow and
stains it even more,
blood gushes at such a pace that even
his disconnected words of anger cannot
staunch this everlasting wound

press my arm to the bitter, cold whiteness
discolour it even more
press my temple to the cutting, freezing redness
and it pours like scarlet rain from this silver sky

this cut which could never heal
a gash she thinks she has along the inside
of her skin, but i know better
bleed, ever bleed, and your steel grey eyes
will surround you with the deepest,
richest sunshine
clouds pollute my sallow skin
rain drips from every eyelash
thunder sparks from my wet lips

i've lost all that i thought was sunshine
so they turn their heads like they don't see
the bleeding storm cloud pass them by
but i slip into another crack in the pavement
and they don't have to pretend at all
i'm gone, it's real
and snow fades back to white
Written: Friday 30th April, 2004 11:00pm

i try to
though i

Was a bit awkward, and probably should be condensed to one line or taken out completely.
However, I loved your concept, but the poem just seemed to drag on and on and never end. It wasn't even interesting until the second to the last stanza, and that's where I felt a slight spark of intensity and a desire to read more. Perhaps if you stick with the last two stanzas and take out the rest, and maybe add a short stanza or two before them, it will be a much better poem.

I wasn't convinced by the line breaks in the first stanza, and, being the lazy reader that I am, it dragged on a little too long for my liking. The line "my mind flings itself out the window" amused me slightly...as usual, beautiful imagery, wghich never ceases to inspire me. Do keep writing.

Hmm, I think it was too long.

It just considered too many issues over one stanza to the next one, and every stanza was more like different poems, really.

The descriptions that you put in were really, really good though. I could imagine everything that was happening, it was almost like a story told over a poem. THe last stanza is the part that I loved and was a really great way to end the poem and relax it over.

Very good, keep writing more. You should consider breaking it up into different poems, though.

I don't understand your poetry. It's okay, you can go ahead and break it on down to my level.

a cut that never heals, bleeding, pain, fading, pollution, angst angst angst.

try to say something rather than stringing together pretty words.

fix your grammar, too.

also, why is ink coming out of your mouth?

Nice imagery at some parts but some of it was awkward ('honey dripping off a knife'? it's not something most people actually would see, and the ink from mouth thing, too. Are you implying your being able to write?). I actually thought that second to last stanza was way too melodramatic. Repetition of imagery is sometimes useful, here it just pounds the image over our heads in an altogether painfully unecessary manner. We got it. Thanks yo. The idea has promise. ^_^;