Fallowdell (fragment)

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'deprive a mirror of its silver and even the tsar won’t see his face. -Russian Proverb

--



Fallowdell looked into the mirror and saw a man. Silver-limned, long-faced, wide grey eyes glazed, watching - it wasn’t him. But it never had been. Quietly, he pulled crumpled-crepe draping over the glass and left the room. It didn’t matter that his features were blunt, wide cheekbones and deepset eyes. It didn’t matter - it had never been him.

In the hall, he carefully avoided touching either baseboard or papered wall, cringing from patterned flame as if it might burn, burn its paper and singe his sleeve. The corridor wound round the house’s inner rooms, and fell into a spiral stair. He hesitated on the lip of the first step. The dark wood seemed too dark, and its stain ages past into hours of dreams and nights that might not wake to dawn.

He was used to these things. He patted his waistcoat pocket, just at his heart, reassuringly. The pen was still there; but it was the heartbeat he paused to feel.

Somehow, he saw things. Paper-thin shades and the flames in the manor’s flickering papered walls. Severino had said it was a gift, a lovely thing. Like rose, Fallowdell knew he had asked, like a flower to tend?

Ah well, something of the sort, had said Severino.

But what he meant with ambiguity was no. No, like he had intended to say when Fallowdell asked about the silvering in the mirror, and no, as he had meant when Fallowdell asked about the whereabouts of the manor and no, when he had wondered aloud whether the limp shadow near the garden shed was a lost man or man’s lost soul. Yet the shadow still hung, listless and fading, near the shed’s eastern corner. The manor remained, somewhere or other, among the northern hills and trailing moor below. With all of his seeing, some things were fog.

Severino never came now. In the beginning, he had. Like flame wicking up oil, thin and quick and slate-eyed, he came with the wind and told stories and asked questions. Oh, but was the manor quite warm now that Autumn was coming to winter? Oh, and had he seen the mirror? Oh, and would he mind gathering certain leaves during a certain hour and watch the far hill - yes, that one - for shadows?

Oh, but he had endless questions; endless tales; endless no’s.

Whether he were two-thousand and old as Christ or a fool of twenty, Fallowdell never cared to guess. His features, tight and somewhat frayed, seemed ageless - lineless, for he looked. But his eyes had lines; all the small, granite-crack threads of death laced his gaze, lighter in the slate blue and grey. When he watched closely, he even thought they grew, fissured when a certain anger or dejection flicked through them. But then, keen sight or no, the light within the manor could be deceiving. He felt, at times, that Severino was merely deception - a length of naughts and beneath -

It made him cringe, as from the paper’s painted flames.

For all his watching, there was something he never saw. The dissolving girl on the landing; she stood, a dust-mote to the gaze. He felt her stare when he passed. He dismissed it as ill-sleep or foolishness or the jumping of a man too used to silence to understand the whisper of another human being. Sometimes, he thought it the other in the mirror; he had the nightmare sense some nights that when he left the mirror, the man followed, a threadbare shadow and growing eyes treading noiseless down the hall behind.

Of course, that he had to dimiss as fearful rambling of the mind. He checked the mirror once at dawn and once in the evening, as Severino had said.

But Severino had forgotten Fallowdell. The days had drawn on from crystalline summer to the ice-rim of winter, through winter to spring, summer, stumbling into the beginnings of a wary Autumn again.

So Fallowdell checked the mirror - and the man - and watched curiously for the limp shadow by the shed. It kept distractions away. Why he did it, he had dropped. Severino’s no’s were adamant enough; and it was comforting, in a sallow sort of way, to have one’s tasks to do and tasks finished.

That was all until the mirror began appearing in his dreams. Its silver, he found, staining his palms; and its reflection - not his - crouched at the end of his bed.

Ragged-edged and fearful, he changed rooms. He closed his eyes and wondered if it might be a gift, to some, to be blind.

But the dreams kept on, sharper, more vividly and the silver stung his palms.

‘Severino!’ he called from the border of the grounds. Beyond the labyrinthine wall of climbing vine and shrubs, the road crept, a thin sliver of ash winding towards the South and the city. ‘Severino? I’m still here.’ His voice sounded too hoarse. And not even the wind answered - after all, Severino had always come with it.

With unwilling fear, he cursed the bond he’d given to stay. He tapped the the top-pocket in his waistcoat and felt his heart, halting, beat beneath.

‘Severino…’ he murmured, wandering through the house, head bowed. ‘Severino, Severino…’

That night, he slept propped against the head-board, one hand stuffed between half-buttoned waistcoat and his shirt, the other tangled in the sheets. No mirror-man crept into his dreams. He heard his heart, all night ‘til dawn, beating silence away.

He woke, staring into silver and dawn’s light, brilliant reflected. Grey eyes.
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander




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*

It didn’t matter that his features were blunt, wide cheekbones and deepset eyes.


Wouldn’t there be a dash between ‘deep’ and ‘set’?

Of course, that he had to dimiss as fearful rambling of the mind.


‘dimiss’ = dismiss

He tapped the [s]the[/s] top-pocket in his waistcoat and felt his heart, halting, beat beneath.


^^^ See quote

*

Hello Imp! Dead tired when you wrote this? =]

Mirrors do such strange things to people, not too sure whether the reflection was Fallowdell or not or if Severino was real. He could have just been Fallowdell’s imagination, and I think you left it for the reader to decide.

You’ve left a lot of things for the reader, actually. The girl—a ghost, daydream? Fallowdell’s strange dreams.

With unwilling fear, he cursed the bond he’d given to stay.


Here it seems to give the idea of master/servant role, Fallowdell stays behind to keep the manor for Severino—who seems to have forgotten him a year later.

The piece reminds me of people left alone for too long, and from this loneliness (isolation?) they have a need to carry on with duties just so things don’t change for them.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'




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Myth: Thanks very much just for the read -- the usefully Mythic comments are, of course, a plus. ^_~

It actually breaks off rather at the crisis, as, being dead-tired, I couldn't type another moment. But I'm trying to finish it before the end of the week...which I suppose is tomorrow. !_!'

[I'm afraid CL is rubbing off on me - beginning new things and never finishing too much... #_#]
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander




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[Fallowdell looked into the mirror and saw a man. Silver-limned, long-faced, wide grey eyes glazed, watching - it wasn’t him. But it never had been. Quietly, he pulled crumpled-crepe draping over the glass and left the room. It didn’t matter that his features were blunt, wide cheekbones and deepset eyes. It didn’t matter - it had never been him.] this paragraph has too many sentence fragments, consider revising them........[ Like rose, Fallowdell knew he had asked, like a flower to tend?] + [Ah well, something of the sort, had said Severino.] Revise these.........also revise these
[But what he meant with ambiguity was no. No, like he had intended to say when Fallowdell asked about the silvering in the mirror, and no, as he had meant when Fallowdell asked about the whereabouts of the manor and no, when he had wondered aloud whether the limp shadow near the garden shed was a lost man or man’s lost soul. Yet the shadow still hung, listless and fading, near the shed’s eastern corner. The manor remained, somewhere or other, among the northern hills and trailing moor below. With all of his seeing, some things were fog.] they dont make much sense to most readers unlike you or me. good read though....keep it up!!!!! :D
I do not want the first pithy lines that pop into your head. I'm not interested in that. I want plot, real characters, sharp dialogue. Plan, dream, live your story, then write it. Novel writing is not for the impulsive. ~Kitty15




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Sean -- Thanks very much for the glance-over. Always pleasant just to know someone's reading.

As to some of the sentences, I see the point about fragments. But the other[s]? What do you think needs changing?
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander




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Privyet, my fine Imp! Last night I read this over and took some notes in the margins: it gave me wonderful first impression, Imp, you've got an amazingly unique writing style. I thoroughly enjoyed this and - despite your misgivings in the Person Above Ya game - it was a pleasure to read. I thought you might like a[nother] crit on it. So here's the dreaming take on it, below. Hope it's of some use. ^_^


--

Fallowdell looked into the mirror and saw a man. Silver-limned, long-faced, wide grey eyes glazed, watching - it wasn’t him. But it never had been. Quietly, he pulled crumpled-crepe draping over the glass and left the room. It didn’t matter that his features were blunt, wide cheekbones and deepset eyes. It didn’t matter - it had never been him.

[The second sentence seemed a bit to rambling, too many commas - maybe if you were to get rid of the last one? As in: "Silver-limned, long-faced, wide grey eyes glazed and watching..." Another point: when you mention the cloth over the mirror, I would assume that 'crumbled' and 'crepe' both modify 'draping'. The description drags a bit here. You might want to eschew one of the modifiers, revise it so that it reads either "crumbled crepe", "crepe draping" or "crumbled draping". I think Myth mentioned the hyphen to be inserted in 'deepset'. But those are all technicalities, and as for the writing and the story here, it's a great introduction. I like the repetition of the second and last lines. The description of the face in the mirror is also very clear, very well-done.]


In the hall, he carefully avoided touching either baseboard or papered wall, cringing from patterned flame as if it might burn, burn its paper and singe his sleeve. The corridor wound round the house’s inner rooms, and fell into a spiral stair. He hesitated on the lip of the first step. The dark wood seemed too dark, and its stain ages past into hours of dreams and nights that might not wake to dawn.

[...You seem a bit averse to articles. ^_~ In the first sentence here particularly - it might improve the flow a bit to add 'the' before 'patterned flame'. The image of the house and its staircase are very affecting. It feels dark, melancholy and somehow ominous, a slight detail that really adds to the tone.]


The pen was still there; but it was the heartbeat he paused to feel.

[A small point: 'his', perhaps, rather than 'the', just before 'heartbeat'?]


Like rose, Fallowdell knew he had asked, like a flower to tend?

[Another small point. It might have been meant to written as "Like a rose"?]


No, like he had intended to say when Fallowdell asked about the silvering in the mirror, and no, as he had meant when Fallowdell asked about the whereabouts of the manor and no, when he had wondered aloud whether the limp shadow near the garden shed was a lost man or man’s lost soul. Yet the shadow still hung, listless and fading, near the shed’s eastern corner. The manor remained, somewhere or other, among the northern hills and trailing moor below. With all of his seeing, some things were fog.

[The manor somehow reminds me of something from Anna Karenina or Family Happiness: long-defunct and crumbling, but still with the memory of ancient granduer. The mention of the shadow near the shed is perfect - just the right tone, just the right detail. For being dead-tired when you wrote this, you've done an amazing job with this. ^_^

One suggestion, though: the last sentence seems off, as if something's missing. Maybe "With all of his seeing, many things were yet fog" or... something along the lines of "With all of his seeing, some things still lingered in fog"?]



Whether he were two-thousand and old as Christ or a fool of twenty, Fallowdell never cared to guess. His features, tight and somewhat frayed, seemed ageless - lineless, for he looked. But his eyes had lines; all the small, granite-crack threads of death laced his gaze, lighter in the slate blue and grey. When he watched closely, he even thought they grew, fissured when a certain anger or dejection flicked through them. But then, keen sight or no, the light within the manor could be deceiving. He felt, at times, that Severino was merely deception - a length of naughts and beneath -

[Fallowdell's thoughts go along very nicely. I'm surprised that you managed to get his character written so deeply when you doubtless had Tov banging on the window and trying to get your attention. ^_~ The only confusing line here was the last. It seems as if you meant to write more, something that was accidentally deleted or inadvertantly left out. The punctuation hangs. Or maybe you meant to change the dash for an ellipse?]


For all his watching, there was something he never saw. The dissolving girl on the landing; she stood, a dust-mote to the gaze. He felt her stare when he passed. He dismissed it as ill-sleep or foolishness or the jumping of a man too used to silence to understand the whisper of another human being. Sometimes, he thought it the other in the mirror; he had the nightmare sense some nights that when he left the mirror, the man followed, a threadbare shadow and growing eyes treading noiseless down the hall behind.

[This was the best paragraph, I think, in the midst of fine paragraphs - it's positively enough to give the reader a chill. ^_^ On thing you might want to look at though: again, the last line. "Growing eyes" doesn't seem to fit in there. You might want to think about rewording that bit somehow?]


Of course, that he had to dimiss as fearful rambling of the mind. He checked the mirror once at dawn and once in the evening, as Severino had said.

["... as Severino had told him to."]


But Severino had forgotten Fallowdell. The days had drawn on from crystalline summer to the ice-rim of winter, through winter to spring, summer, stumbling into the beginnings of a wary Autumn again.

So Fallowdell checked the mirror - and the man - and watched curiously for the limp shadow by the shed. It kept distractions away. Why he did it, he had dropped. Severino’s no’s were adamant enough; and it was comforting, in a sallow sort of way, to have one’s tasks to do and tasks finished.


[Beautiful description of both the time that has passed and Fallowdell's isolated mentality. Simply beautiful... but in that last line again, I'm not sure that 'sallow' is the best way to put it. 'Sallow', as I understand it, means sickly, yellowish, jaundiced, pale. Maybe a different modifier?]


That was all until the mirror began appearing in his dreams. Its silver, he found, staining his palms; and its reflection - not his - crouched at the end of his bed.

Ragged-edged and fearful, he changed rooms. He closed his eyes and wondered if it might be a gift, to some, to be blind.


[In the first paragraph here, perhaps "He found its silver staining his palms"? And in the second, I'd get rid of the "Ragged-edged" and leave it at merely 'ragged'.

Another image that tends to make one shudder. It's creepy, to say the least and the writing feels still somehow - just like the manor house.]



That night, he slept propped against the head-board, one hand stuffed between half-buttoned waistcoat and his shirt, the other tangled in the sheets. No mirror-man crept into his dreams. He heard his heart, all night ‘til dawn, beating silence away.

He woke, staring into silver and dawn’s light, brilliant reflected. Grey eyes.


[The perfect ending, Imp, even for a fragment, and I sincerely mean that. It leaves an impression and it concludes everything errorlessly. A suggestion, though (but it doesn't necessarily point towards error ^_~). The very last line, you might write differently. For instance, "He woke, staring into dawn's silver light, brilliantly reflected. Grey eyes." Another very small point, but something to look at, in any event.

You know, I think I enjoyed this more than "Detached" or "Zhaim" or even "Sans Soleil" - I truly hope you finish this, Imp. Don't fall too much into the habit of beginning and rarely finishing. I've got to see what happens to Fallowdell. ^_^]



--


Edited and Tagged: (Critted for the CCF)




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Thanks endlessly, DD. ^_^ I was beginning to give poor Fallowdell an awfully bleak observation, thinking it really wasn't worth the time. But I did and do want to finish it.

You've picked up, as often, the small slip-ups that creep in, and helped with confirming the tone and such.

If anything, I'll finish it for you, da? ^_~




IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander




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Ah, you'd better - otherwise I might send Livny to annoy you after all. And with Saphirus stalking you and Livny getting you drunk, it would probably be much more beneficial to your health just to finish off Fallowdell's fragment. ^_~

It was a wonderful read, Imp, and you're very welcome.



But even the worst decisions we make don't necessarily remove us from the circle of humanity.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore