Young Writers Society

“What's with you and these crazy ideas?”
“Haha, you're like some sort of fairy tale!”
“Calm down! Stop twirling around every which way.”

Kailee, my sister, I wonder... What would you say to me today? You would probably pat my head roughly and say “Everything isn't over! Get a grip and calm down.” It may seem rude, but that was just the way you showed your affection. You were always relaxed and joking around, poking fun at my strange ideas. Where are you now? Before, I would have immediately started thinking to myself how it was okay, because you were still you, just somewhere else, in a far off world, maybe.

I'm not quite sure if that's the truth anymore.

“Stop with your incessant twirling already.”
“You'll loose braincells if you keep thinking about those things.”
“Don't keep thinking such pointless thoughts.”

You used to say these words gently, though. And even when you told me over and over to keep my head and stay grounded, I would never listen and just continue on, thinking and twirling and dreaming in my own world far, far away from here. I should have listened. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't be in this position right now.



“Oh come on, Kailee! Open your mind! I'm not talking about aliens or anything, I'm just saying! What if we aren't alone in the sense of dimensions!” The colors of summer twisted together in a blur, as my feet turned faster and faster on the soft green grass.

“I can't take you seriously when you're twirling around like that.”

“You never take me seriously ever, so why would my twirling around make a difference?”

“Because now instead of sounding like a lune, you look like one too.”

“Awe, that was mean," I teased.

“I'm just a mean person, you know that.”

“Maybe if you thought a little. You know, about the world around you, or even of 'impossible' things. It's... fun.”

“Shyla, you're always talking about other worlds and places that just couldn't exist.”

“And how would you know? Huh? What if there was another world somewhere, out of our reach, where there's another you and another me? One where you can do special things or one that's more advanced.”

“Oh great, now you're going on about doppelgangers?”

“Ha-ha," I laughed sarcastically. "The world's a big place, you know. And we can't understand it all. Where do you think fictional stories come from? And fairy tales? Someone has to get the ideas from somewhere.”

“That's what an imagination is for, and right now, yours is running wild so you better go catch it and bring it back to reality.”

“Reality, the human mind, earth... It's all just one big mystery. One big story waiting to be told.”

As I twirled here, in this meadow of plush green grass, under a peaceful sky, dreaming and thinking about unknown things, the world seemed so much bigger and alive than most people think. Opening your mind and letting ideas and daydreams roam freely is quite the adventure in itself. No one knows just how big everything around us is, or just how magical. The light breeze whispering tales of happy times and the far off mountains outlined in the distance, shouting out the truths that were yet to be found.

Hello!
I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer today!
Here we go.
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.

“What's with you and these crazy ideas?”( insert landmark)
“Haha, you're like some sort of fairy tale!”(insert landmark)
“Calm down! Stop twirling around every which way.”( Landmark not necessary, because character is mentioned already)

Whoa. Try to slow down here.
There is a whole lot of dialogue, but it's confusing because it doesn't really help reveal anything due to it's lack of detail, and you don't landmark( as in, "he said", or "she laughed".)

I wonder... What would you say to me today? You'd probably smack me and say “Everything's not over! Get a grip and calm down, you freak.” It (might) seem rude, but that was just the way you showed your affection. You were always relaxed and joking around, and poking fun at my strange ideas.
> nice place for space<
(But)Where are you now? Before, I would have immediately started saying how it was okay, because you were still you, just somewhere else.
That's not really needed, it just confusing.

I'm not sure if that's the truth anymore though.- contraction here... I'll go ahead and say that that's how the rest of the novel should be, because it just seems more human. Humans use contractions. So we'll keep it constant.

“Stop with your incessant twirling already.”( again, landmark-nice opportunity to introduce names)
“You'll loose braincells if you keep thinking about those things.”( landmark)
“Don't worry about pointless things”- ( a simple"it' would be okay here)

You used to say such things. I'd never listen and just keep on thinking and twirling and dreaming in my own world far, far away from here. I should've listened. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't be in this position right now.

----

“Oh come on, Kailee! Open your mind! I'm not talking about aliens or anything, I'm just saying! What if we aren't alone in the sense of dimensions!”
“I can't take you seriously when you're twirling around like that.”
“You never take me seriously ever, so why would me twirling around make a difference?”
“Because now instead of sounding like a lune, you look like one too.”
“Awe, that was mean.”
“I'm just a mean person, you know that.”
“Maybe if you thought a little. You know, about the world around you. It's really a fascinating place once you do.”
“Shyla, you're always talking about other worlds and places that just couldn't exist.”
“And how would you know? Huh? What if there was another world somewhere, out of our reach, where there's another you and another me? One where you can do special things or one that's more advanced.”
“Oh great, now you're hung up on doppelgangers.”
“Ha-ha, the worlds a big place, you know. And we can't understand it all. Where do you think fictional stories come from? And fairy tales? Someone has to get the ideas from somewhere.”
“That's what an imagination is for, and right now, yours is running wild so you better go catch it and bring it back to reality.”
“Reality, the human mind, earth... It's all just one big mystery. One big story waiting to be told.”

Now this, is just a whole bunch of dialogue. I think you are taking the "show, don't tell' bit a little far. You shouldn't let the dialogue tell your story, just let it be a part of and help your story.
And don't forget to tell the reader who is talking.( aka- landmark)

As I twirled here, in this meadow of plush green grass and peaceful skies, dreaming and thinking about unknown things, the world seemed so much bigger and alive than most people think. Opening your mind and letting ideas and daydreams roam freely is quite the adventure in itself. No one knows just how big everything around us is, or just how magical( it can be?). The light breeze whispering tales of happy times and the far off mountains outlined in the distance, shouting out the truths that were yet to be found.

Overall: You have a nice idea here, but the way you've written is quite confusing.
please remember to landmark and add details to build your story, not dialogue.

But good Job!
Keep Writing!

-------------------------------
-Jojo

The Title Captured My Attention, But I Don't Understand The Plot, But It's All Right Overall, Keep Writing! Sorry For Such A Bad Review But That's All I Have. :C
~Xiahouzay

I love, love, love the introduction. I love the dialogue, but to be honest, I think this would make an awesome play rather than a book. If it is supposed to be a story, a novel, it needs more detail and description, though I'm sure others have probably told you this. A suggestion (just a suggestion): since you seem to be really great at dialogue (which I completely fail at) maybe you should write this as a play? I think that would be amazing.

Hi there! Lavvi in to review as requested.

It's an okay start for a prologue, but it came off more as a sort of Chapter One instead of a prologue. But it works, I guess. Here's for the substance:

A) De-twirl yourself. Okay, so what I noticed right off the bat was that you used the same word frequently. This word is "twirl" and the repetition gets rather dull and unprofessional. Have some variety and your story will be that much better. I promise you. And usually you can find great replacement words in a thesaurus. Just don't go overboard and write out a word that's rarely used. As long as you know the word, most likely your audience will know the word. If you don't own a thesaurus, you could try out this one. It's fairly easy to understand and gives you wide options and suggestions.

B) Prose wanted. So, sure, you are writing, but you are sorely lacking in narrative. The majority of your prologue is dialogue. Don't get me wrong, dialogue is definitely needed in a novel but too much of it can be overwhelming. Here, you have too much of it and suffer from lacking characters. As in, the readers are clueless to who's really talking. So easy to specify that. And because of this overdose of dialogue, you're missing so much description needed. C'mon, don't be afraid to write more!

Overall, I thought that it could be better. I think the whole too much dialogue thing really put me off and that can be easily resolved

Yours,
Lavvi

Hey there partner! I'm here to review!

So, I like this. It's a bit interesting but it seems a bit cliche at the moment but then again, a lot of stories are cliche so don't worry about that too much. I still have a lot to read, no?

What I noticed the most out of this prologue is the dialogue. Because well, that's all you have. There is no setting or description it's just thoughts and dialogue put together. I don't know where they are or how old they are. Some things are missing, you know? lol It's alright though, that's still easy to fix.

But, with the dialogue that you have, it's actually pretty strong and sounds like a real conversation. Like, it's quite fluid and easy to picture even with out the description, you know? However, I still think that you should try to work in some descriptions here and there.

As others have mentions, some of your writing is a bit confusing and I think the reason for this is that it seems to be lacking some foundation. Like you're writing but the direction you want to go isn't quite built up all the way. When you're trending on open waters like that, sometimes the writing will come out to be a bit shaky and might confuse readers since you'll be thinking too many things at once. Anyway, it's still the prologue so yeah.

Overall, it's interesting but still needs some meat! xD

-Pink

Hey Micki!

First of all, a couple of typos!

“You'll loose braincells if you keep thinking about those things.” <-- "braincells" should be "brain cells"!

“Don't worry about pointless things” <-- You should have a period at the end of the sentence.

“Because now instead of sounding like a lune, you look like one too.” <-- "lune" should be "loon"!

“Awe, that was mean.” <-- Sounds are tricky, but in this case, it should be spelled as "Aw".

Okay, now that those nitpicks are done, let's get the meat of the story, shall we?

The biggest thing that I noticed here was the lack of description of the dialogue. It seemed more like a script with no stage directions rather than a novel. When you write, it's generally a good idea to add some description to your dialogue so it can be more easily seen. For instance, pretend you had a dialogue like this:

"Hi, how are you doing."

"Fine, how about you?"

"All right. I was wondering if you could do something for me."

"It depends. What do you want me to do?"

A pretty typical dialogue, right? Completely realistic. Now, let's add a story.


Ted rushed in, stamping his time card. Then he glanced at the secretary, whistling. "Hi, how are you doing."

The secretary didn't look up. She wanted him to leave as soon as possible. She tapped a few more keys on her keyboard. "Fine, how about you?" she said in the dullest voice possible."

"All right. I was wondering if you could do something for me." He winked at her.

Inwardly, she groaned. "It depends. What do you want me to do?"

Let's make this another story!

Prison was never a fun place to go to, but Nora loved it. She loved the evil shiver that would creep through her spine whenever she went. This time, it was no different. She came to her prisoner, a traitor, and smiled at him. "Hi, how are you doing."

He could barely lift his head. "Fine, how about you?" he gasped out.

She jerked up his head by his hair and he screamed. Clumps of hair fell out. "All right," she said pleasantly. "I was wondering if you could do something for me."

He gazed blearily at her. "It depends. What do you want me to do?"

This is a fun exercise! You should try it too.

The thing is, how you describe the dialogue makes all the difference. Just dialogue is fun, sometimes, but don't be afraid to add more description.

Love it! the story sounds really good, I think the story has lot of potential, though it does get a little confusing at times, but that could be ne anyway i really like the story, im gonna read the first chapter maybe it wont be as confusing then, great job!

Before, I would have immediately started saying how it was okay, because you were still you, just somewhere else, in a far off world or something.

This is a run-on sentence.

I'm not sure if that's the truth anymore though.

A comma needs to be after anymore.

“You'll loose braincells if you keep thinking about those things.”

Braincells need to be brain cells.

“You'll loose braincells if you keep thinking about those things.”
“Don't worry about pointless things”

You used to say such things.

The last three sentences ended with things. You may want to reword at least one of the sentences.

“Oh come on, Kailee! Open your mind! I'm not talking about aliens or anything, I'm just saying! What if we aren't alone in the sense of dimensions!”
“I can't take you seriously when you're twirling around like that.”
“You never take me seriously ever, so why would me twirling around make a difference?”
“Because now instead of sounding like a lune, you look like one too.”
“Awe, that was mean.”
“I'm just a mean person, you know that.”
“Maybe if you thought a little. You know, about the world around you. It's really a fascinating place once you do.”
“Shyla, you're always talking about other worlds and places that just couldn't exist.”
“And how would you know? Huh? What if there was another world somewhere, out of our reach, where there's another you and another me? One where you can do special things or one that's more advanced.”
“Oh great, now you're hung up on doppelgangers.”
“Ha-ha, the worlds a big place, you know. And we can't understand it all. Where do you think fictional stories come from? And fairytales? Someone has to get the ideas from somewhere.”
“That's what an imagination is for, and right now, yours is running wild so you better go catch it and bring it back to reality.”
“Reality, the human mind, earth... It's all just one big mystery. One big story waiting to be told.”
As I twirled here, in this meadow of plush green grass and peaceful skies, dreaming and thinking about unknown things, the world seemed so much bigger and alive than most people think. Opening your mind and letting ideas and daydreams roam freely is quite the adventure in itself. No one knows just how big everything around us is, or just how magical. The light breeze whispering tales of happy times and the far off mountains outlined in the distance, shouting out the truths that were yet to be found.

This section would be easier to read if there spaces between each paragraph.

“Oh come on, Kailee! Open your mind!

At first, it wasn't obvious who Kailee was. You may want to tell the readers who she is earlier than you do.

“I'm just a mean person, you know that.”

The comma needs to either be a semicolon or a period.

“Ha-ha, the worlds a big place, you know.

Worlds needs to be world's.

As I twirled here, in this meadow of plush green grass and peaceful skies,

Before now, you haven't told the reader what the setting was. You may want to include the setting earlier on.

the world seemed so much bigger and alive than most people think.

Think should be thought.


This prologue is very interesting. It definitely made me want to read more. The only problems other than grammar that I could see were including more setting, making sure the reader knows who is talking, and showing how old each girl is.

Hey, the title really grabbed me in but I am not sure of the plot. It all seems a bit confussing. It might be just me but I have no idea about what is going on really. Sorry

Keep writing- good luck
JJxVoodo

Hey,

Contrary to the others, I liked the amount of dialogue. Granted, you need some "meat" as they said, but that doesn't need to be in the form of direct tags, e.g. he said, he shouted, etc.

You could just fill in some setting details or some character actions. With only two speakers, no need to baby the reader along. Plus, the narrator has a beautiful voice and it'd be a shame to lose that to tags that don't need to be there.

What I mean by indirect tags... you could do something like:

“If something bad happens, it's all your fault." The shadows deepened as a street lamp flickered out overhead.

That's really indirect, but you could also do something like...

"If something bad happens, it's all your fault." Rick yanked the raft out of my hand and walked toward the water slide.

With that one above, you get the name of the speaker but no "He said 'Blank'" effect.

And, yeah, your narrator has a great voice, rich with personality, and atypical for first person too. I got a sense of where the story was going thematically but none of the actual details, and the teaser at the beginning combined with the end, I'm intrigued. I like the mystery and the edge to this, and will be reading on.

Let me know if you have any questions,

Sock

Hey there,

Sorry this is a very short review...it is wayyyyyyyy past my bedtime and I need rest. I'll add to reading list and most definitely look and give a much thorough review tomorrow at the earliest I can manage. Just want to say before I leave I absolutely loved this and can't wait to keep going. Until tomorrow, Adios.
Soulkana<3

Hello,

I'm back for a much better review haha. Ok so I loved this idea and think you will do great. I just say need to add details and at the beginning you need to show who's talking when because I was confused...thought it was one person. Anyways I liked it and can't wait from more. Keep up the good work. Just add more details of what's going on and about the characters and you should be good. Hope this helps you somewhat. Sayonara.
Soulkana<3

Hello hi!

I liked this. A few folks have said it was confusing and I agree with them to a point, but I really did like it. What mostly confused me was the lack of dialogue tags. The dialogue here was wonderful and I really wanted to connect to these characters, but I wasn't really sure which was which. Obviously we had the first-person narrator and some other person, but I wasn't always clear on who was speaking when it came to the actual talking later. It was clear that there was a spacey one and a more grounded one, but all the way until the end, I wasn't really clear that the narrator was the spacey one.

I really liked the mood set here though. It just had a lot of atmosphere to it and even if I have no idea what this story is about, I find myself hooked anyway. All it really needs is just a bit more grounding. Folks before me have given some good suggestions about adding some action around the dialogue, letting us figure out who's talking. Like I said, I really liked these two characters, but getting to see which is which will make them that much more sympathetic and real. We'll be able to identify them and identify with them.

Lots of potential here. I definitely will be reading on.

~GryphonFledgling

Here I am, finally. Corrections are in red.

Mickixoxo wrote:"What's with you and these crazy ideas?"
"Haha, you're like some sort of fairy tale!"
"Calm down! Stop twirling around every which way." (Both of these sound completely unnatural and are, to be honest, utterly unnecessary. Restating ideas only leads to redundancy, and redundancy is an incredibly bad way to start off a story.)

I wonder... what would you say to me today? You would probably smack me and say “Everything's not over Again, this sounds completely off. Who would say something like that? I would change it to "Nothing's over." ! Get a grip and calm down, you freak.” It may seem rude Why would it seem rude if the person your speaking to is being referred to in the second person? Why would it seem rude to him if he's the one you're speaking to? , but that was just the way you showed your affection Yes. Clearly, he's very affectionate. . You were always relaxed and joking around, poking fun at my strange ideas I wouldn't say smacking someone and calling them a freak could really fit under the "joking around" and "poking fun" category. . Where are you now? Before, I would have immediately started saying telling myself how it was okay You've really given us a lot of reasons to sympathize with your love of this man (sarcasm - laugh laugh). , because you were still you Again, you'd think she'd have wanted him to change.... , just somewhere else, in a far off worldor something. Alive.

But I'm not sure if that's the truth anymorethough.

“Stop with your incessant twirling already.” Unnatural.
“You'll loose braincells if you keep thinking about those things.” Pointless.
“Don't keep thinking such pointless thoughts.” Forced. Honestly, if you want to keep using dialog like this, you're really going to have to step it up a bit.

You used to say such words Really? I had no idea (Lay off the duh statements.)., gently You keep saying this, but why should I believe you? The dialog itself is rude and demeaning, and your lack of sufficient blocking makes me think that this is exactly the way in which they spoken. You can do better than that. , though. (The ellipsis is unnecessary.) But I would never listen, and just keep on thinking and twirling Honestly, I'm beginning to think the narrator is mentally handicapped. I think it might do you some good to attach a smidget of sanity to her. and dreaming Retardation: 2, Sanity: 0 in my own world far, far away from here Already used the "far-off world" thing. Be a bit more creative. . I should have listened To him insulting you? In the name of Pete, why? . Maybe if I did, I wouldn't be in this position right now. Which position? The upward dog? Don't think that's quite the word you want.

----

“Oh come on, Kailee! Open your mind! I'm not talking about aliens or anything, I'm just saying! What if we aren't alone in the sense of dimensions?” Your use of foreshadowing is utterly bland and clichéd. I can already sense the entire story.

“I can't take you seriously when you're twirling around like that.” Blocking, please? What's going on? What are they doing? Who's talking? Something about twirling (wow, that's new)...? Also, is the narrator reminiscing or is this taking place in the present? If the latter is true, then why is she so happy all of a sudden ('Cause, you know, the general population tends to associate twirling with happiness....)? I thought she was in mourning mode right now.

“You never take me seriously ever (Redundant - "never" already implies this.) , so why would me my twirling around make a difference?”

“Because now instead of sounding like a lune, you look like one too.” So everyone is mean to her, now? Well, no wonder she had lowered her standards to interpret her lover's words as kind.

“Aw, that was mean.” Durrrrrr....

“I'm just a mean person, you know that.” I don't have enough information to know whether she's joking or not. Again, blocking would really be helpful right about now....

“Maybe if you thought a little. About being mean? What? You know, about the world around you Off-topic, much? Also, "world around you" is clichéd. . It's really a fascinating place once you do. Are you saying that it's not fascinating if you don't? Doesn't the world come with an inherent quality of mysteriousness? ”

“Shyla, you're always talking about other worlds and places that just couldn't exist. Um, I thought she was just talking about how fascinating our world is. Please make sure your dialog actually makes sense.”

“And how would you know? Huh? What if there was another world somewhere, out of our reach, where there's another you and another me? One where you can do special things or one that's more advanced.”

“Oh great, now you're hung up on doppelgangers doppelgängers (You might as well spell it right.) Actually, she never even mentioned doppelgängers. It would be a fallacy to accuse her of being "hung up on them." One other thing. If this conversation has happened before, as you implied earlier, why are they acting as if it hadn't? Why does this all seem new to them, while the unoriginality of their statements is mentioned only in reference? I've seen this paradox so many times, and it always manages to make absolutely no sense to me. .”

“Ha-ha, (What is she laughing at, again...?) The world's a big place, you know But she's not talking about the world. She's talking about other dimensions. So how is it that this is at all relevant? . And we can't understand it all. Where do you think fictional stories come from? And fairytales? Someone has to get the ideas from somewhere. Oh, this is all such a cliché. Please throw this all away, burn it, bury it, and start from scratch. ”

“That's what an imagination is for, and right now, yours is running wild so you better go catch it and bring it back to reality. You've already said all this in the beginning. Just because you're using different words doesn't mean that it won't get old.”

“Reality, the human mind, earth... it's all just one big mystery. One big story waiting to be told.” Heroic music in background.

As I twirled here there, in thisthat meadow of plush green grass and peaceful skies There's multiple? That's new. , dreaming Usually you only dream when you're asleep. and thinking about unknown Not the right word. If they're unknown, how can she be thinking about them? things, the world seemed so much bigger and alivethan most people think. Opening your mind and letting ideas and daydreams roam freely is quite the adventure in itself. I think I've gathered that by now. No one knows just how big everything around us is, or just how magical I'd appreciate if if you would decide whether you want your story to be sci-fi or fantasy. . The light breeze whispering tales of happy times and the far off mountains outlined in the distance, shouting out the truths that were yet to be found Grammatically incorrect. You need an action. And, though your metaphor use is, for lack of a better word, fresh, I don't think your wind statement quite works. "Happy times" has a contrasting implication that these "times" are sad, which you haven't quite established yet. .

PM me if you have any questions or comments. Thanks for the request, and keep writing.

-Kafka